Delusion of Reprieve

There should have been an ultimate feeling of reprieve but there wasnt, maybe because it wasnt the end. It was only the beginning of the end. So in my own way I embraced the reprieve or my delusions by picking up my favourite book, obviously where the title of this rambling came from.

It fascinates me in a tragic way. Human suffering is terrible, yet we can learn so much. Nothing I go through can even compare to Auschwitz. I wish I remembered that everyday. I also wish I remembered the lessons better. I somehow can selfishly compare my trials to theres, maybe in an attempt to connect, and only to try and learn, so maybe it isnt out of selfishness. I learn so much everytime I pick up the book though. I am sure my fellow train goers must think I am nuts the way I pore over it. I just cant help but understand, or at least try to, how they seeked for anything that would indicate that it wasnt that bad. They searched for any element of hope, only to have everything stripped away from them. Literally everything. They were left with nothing physical, nothing to hold onto, unless they had hope, unless they had something to live for.

I think that in those moments that seem darkest we are best to do that, to remember all of the things we have to hold onto. I will never understand their suffering or how anyone could bring it upon them. But I will never cease trying to learn from such experiences. So even though I delusion myself when the darkness envelops I am okay with that, it shows a common thread of humanity and reminds me to hold onto hope.

The Dream That Wasn't Bad

As aforementioned, probably a zillion plus 3.7 times before, I have a lot of psycho dreams, and by psycho I mean dreams where people try and murder me. And the thing is that my dreams are always of such nature. They are never joyful. They arent like dreams you want to dream. They are ones that you wouldnt want to dream but for some reason your mind decides to terrorize you. So imagine my utter shock when I had a dream that was actually wonderful. It was exactly like a dream come true.

I was at a Yellowcard concert (not my previous blog post ending in an apology over my current Yellowcard obsession). And then the concert ended and for some reason the band was asking me to hangout. And I was like uhm maybe not. And they were all come on. And I was like uhh not tonight. So I started leaving with my friend (what an idiot right). So then as I left one of them caught me in the hall and I was super psyched and so I gave in and we hung out. And then I was like dating one of the guys in the band and hanging out with all of their cool friends. It was awesome.

And then I woke up and realized I am not dating someone in Yellowcard, bummer.

But the moral of the story is that it is possible for me to have happy dreams, major breakthrough!

Ocean Avenue

The  music rings through as my feet hit the pavement and it is like the world transforms. It was the summer after grade ten. I was driving and had a job selling fruit. The truck was a tank, it was older and stronger than me and was basically a metal monster. It was hardcore, kinda like me. I would drive out to that parking lot, settle in with a book and my "i love surfer boy" flip flops and tan to a darker shade of white. It was full of sun, fruit, and memories. Even the first moments of the song remind me of that summer. The BC cherries and the Taber corn, things you can only appreciate if you know the region, were just what supplied the monetary part of it, but it really means nothing. It was a summer of memories, mostly insignificant but so entwined to this song. It makes me think of the exact 5 cent candies I would get from seven eleven on the days I had tips, the livewires were the best. I remember the smell of the grease from Macdonalds wafting across the pavement and the fact that the beasty truck rarely started without a boost. It was what I consider the quintessential teenage summer. And I love the fact that I can remember so much of it with just a few beautiful words and notes.

ps I may blog about yellowcard incessantly until their new album comes out because I am so overly stoked.

Word Association, A Goodnight Story

When conversations lull or drives full of longevity need lightening I find all of those stupid word games to be thrilling. Actually, I just like them all the time. I am like a child I know. I even have a mocking voice I use when copying someone like a 4 year old would. So as I perused the mission Motion City songs from my life I felt the need to work associate a story. I am a focused studier in case you didnt know. So welcome to tonights goodnight story.

The mirror felt cheated. The apples sat on the other side, away from the cheese yet out of the mirrors reach. What a tease. Snacking was so dull from the other side. It was like watching a movie smelling popcorn but not being able to have any. Cruel. Unforgiving in a sense, like a mistake  you want to make but cant. Maybe that was a protective form of Karma. Regardless, the mirror felt mocked. So it did the only thing it could, combusted. Not into flames, that would be ridiculous, just shattering, like seven years of bad luck. And that is why you shouldnt place apples by mirrors. xo

Gluten Free Fairies

It was always nice to wake up to stickers and a monetary coin under the pillow, even though it had meant something was lost. Compensation for loss makes loss more bareable. That is why we have toothfairies.

So where the heck is my gluten free fairy?! Today I found two of my favourite things on sale- Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I am pretty sure I was dying inside with the battle that began. Would I indulge in such deliciousness or would I forgo it knowing that my body probably couldnt tolerate it. As I began to feel sick thinking about it I sauntered down the aisle with my head hung not noticing the people staring at my muscle pants.

As I walked through the dark path between the shops and the place I call home I wondered what kind of compensation there would be for my lack of gluten. So far it seems to just be nothing, except perhaps a lack of vomitting, but that doesnt really cut it. I feel like when you cant have awesome things you should get stickers or monetary coins or something to lessen the blow. The blow does not feel lessened. I just feel cheated.

I usually pretend I dont care that I cant eat gluten but I totally do, it sucks. So if I find out the doctor was wrong and gluten was not the cause of such a portion of my illness I will punch someone in the head.

(Insert TMI Story Caption Here)

"Oh my gosh like did I tell you about how my cousins uncles grandmas friend died? Like it was the worst. (insert tears here)"

Please do not share these stories with me. I do not want to feel a forced bond that requires me to care. I would like to stay on the periphery of aquantainceship unless otherwise stated. Isnt that how it should be? I dont understand why people have the compulsion to share overly personal things and cry with strangers or in public. It does not make sense. It is entirely forcing the attention on you and making people feel bad for not caring. I do care, but not like that about strangers. And I like it that way. I dont have enough heart space to be worrying about every single person I have said hello to's sad story. I need some time for silence and my own life.

It just is not making sense to me. I think I should run a seminar on the allergy of emotions and how beneficial it is, especially since it is an acquired allergy, which really is more like a cure. Maybe that would solve these situations I keep finding myself trapped in.

The Heart is At The Home

Sometimes I pretend I am not homesick. I think reality is that I will always be homesick when I am not at home. And home doesnt have to mean that place where I grew up, it mostly just means whatever place my family is at. I forget how much I miss them until something happens. Like today when I woke up to a video of my sister falling off a chair, video two was her unable to get up, the best part was probably that my brother just sat there filming hahaha. How can you not miss things like that? If I was there I would have been the one laughing in the background, every funny video needs that person. I miss their laughter and the fact that we could play stupid games or sit by the fire or watch the bachelor(ette).

I am known for running, running away from reality. I get up and go when things get too hard. Yet it appears that no matter how far I go all I really want is to be back at home, to be able to get in stupid fights and to make poems about secret lovers.

They say home is where the heart is, I think the heart is at the home. My family is super rad, and I really wish I could just get up and go home and say stupid things that they would laugh at because I am really funny. I think I am homesick.

Like Talking to A Brick Wall

So exact and surprising coming out of the mouth of my grandmother, she has always had a way with words though. Apparently I am not prone to following advice in certain regards. C'est la vie. Plus I like being a brick wall. Brick walls are known for their strength, and they have such a vintage beauty. I would love to have a brick wall or two in my future house of awesomeness (stupid pinterest getting me all interest in homely things). So perhaps I will continue to be brick like, fierce and ready for whatever is coming. Plus without brick walls how would parkour have become? I dont even know. So hurrah for the walls made of bricks.

A Note To The Jinxed, Cursed and Superstitious

I step over cracks, consciously. Yet have never considered myself to be superstitious or any of the other things sitting in that category. But why else avoid cracks? I mean I just dont want my mother to break her back, that's all.

I never really understood the concept of being cursed or a jinx but I think I can visualize it now. If crazy things happen around you frequently there are only two things you can think.

1. Your life is the Truman Show
2. You are jinxed/cursed etc

I have always just thought number one, and that hasnt changed, I am pretty sure that my life is basically the Truman show, I mean that would explain a LOT.

But for all the rest of the people that think the other way, I can understand it. We want logicallity for why things happen. And if I didnt know better I would think that there was something around me causing crazy things, like how yesterday it appeared that another person jumped off the bridge known for those ready to end their life. And then today there was a crazy car accident outside work. I mean I get how people draw conclusions. But I am pretty sure that life hands us enough hardships and crazy things that there is no reason to add others to it. We cant be responsible for all those things that surround us, expect for the ones that we cause, but really the rest are all done by the shows producers.

You have to get the ratings up somehow!

And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

The day was warm and the sky blue with clouds hinting at grey. There was sort of peace on the boat as it cruised along the waterfront properties. As the Story Bridge drew near a story was relayed of a drunken fool jumping off it and dislocating shoulders, breaking ribs, and ruining knees. You see the bridge is rather high, and by rather I mean very. The story elicited a shocked response and wonderings of how foolish alcohol can  make people. As the thoughts tumbled around a small boat was noticed with a kayak approaching. Then a man could be seen in the water. It was unclear what was happening. First thoughts were that it was some kind of lesson. However, you wouldnt have someone in the water, especially not in a river with bull sharks. So it was illogical. As the boat drew nearer to the place of interest the picture became a fraction clearer. The kayak had come up to the boat and tied onto it and the passenger was now on the boat. The man originally on the boat was holding onto some part of what looked like a life jacket, inside the lifesaving looking object was the man, still in the water. This was confusing and led to many wonderings of all passengers on the larger boat. Then the cops could be seen running along the river bank towards the incident. Next thing the kayak passenger was holding onto the top of the lifejacket with the man in it (still in the water) and the boat driver was bringing the boat to shore. 

Conclusions can be made as to what happened. And as such conclusions are drawn it just makes me think of a beloved childhood story. And it makes me wonder what reality was and what is just foolish imaginings to create a greater story. 

(note only the facts are depicted and to the best of my failing memory)

Like Razors They Cut Through Her Heart

The imagery is exact. The feelings understood. I dont know that my own words could describe the pain better. It is that time of year, my least favourite day, and maybe it crosses the realm of personalness to be shared but this is my life and somehow maybe acknowledging my baggage and pain and sadness is real in this moment it will become a stone for stepping.

So here's the thing, I am very forgetful. Even memorable things fade. Yet somehow I cannot forget a detail of that day. I can tell you what dress I wore. Where I was when I saw I had a voicemail. That I knew something was wrong. I didnt learn anything in the third hour. I felt sick. I walked home and called. I remember trying to understand. Trying not to lose control although the tears poured. I remember hanging up and breaking down on the sidewalk. I remember the exact place I sat. The phone call I made. I remember getting into the car and being taken home. I walked in and got my keys tried to call someone else and with no answer went to their home anyways. I remember the door opening, asking for the mother and her knowing I wasnt okay. I sat with those parents. They werent mine and their daughter who was like a sister was abroad. Yet they were the only place I could go. I remember the texts, eating, watching scrubs and crying with my soulmate. The day is carved like razors through my heart. The pain is still as aching as it was two years ago.

The days and months that followed involved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and seeking comfort. And somehow I never expected that I would still be feeling in that same position. Time is supposed to heal. So why cant it just heal? So today is one of the few days of the year where I decide it is okay to let it hurt. It is okay to feel. It is okay to feel the pain, because it is real. And maybe it has to stay vivid until I learn the right lesson. And maybe it is so I realize how many people in a heartbeat stopped their lives because my world came crashing down. So as sad as I am I feel incredibly blessed that even in those moments when I couldnt imagine feeling more alone I am not.

So as much as it feels like razors I feel a small sense of hope in the sadness because I know that it all has a purpose, I just may not understand it yet.

Life Flashing

Everyone hears that when you die your whole life flashes past. I have never died so I cannot verify if that has any truth. But I am pretty sure sometimes your whole future can flash before you. I think this because it might have just happened to me. And because of that I will have to post multiple times because this is not what I was thinking but now all of a sudden I forget what awesome thing I was about to write about, maybe I will remember. But back to life flashing.

The surrounding facts are unimportant as I was doing nothing abnormal, basically just waiting for the Lauren Bars to finish baking. Then it happened. I saw what was going to happen. And it was scary in an oddly reassuring way. I think it was sparked by an offhand comment at lunch. The flashing involved realizations. In one week I will only have one more exam and then I will be done more course work. Then it is just 5 months of placements a final exam and graduation. During the period of havoc and chaos known as placements I will be applying and interviewing for jobs, like a grown up. That could begin in as early as one months time. And I realized my birthday is about to happen and I am training for a marathon and by December I will be grown up and have achieved goals and hopefully have a real job. And all of a sudden I didnt feel so young and childish. It was like I saw  myself growing up in a moment. And then it ended and I took my baking out and went back to life. Except I went back a little less scared about the future. I think sometimes life flashes are blessings for faith, it is like a preview to entice you to the movie, but instead it is enticing you to keep on the path of your life. 

I think the next 7 months are about to be crazy.

Nobody Told Her She Would Lose In The First Round

The last fight was fixed from the start.

Sometimes it feels like that. That when failure falls upon us that it was destined. Sometimes I wish I knew in the first round so I could spend my energies elsewhere. I think this may be how I feel. I feel like I am losing fights I dont even know I am in. Today was just one of those fixed fight days so instead of relaying my self defined lose I will tell a story.

One time there was a bear. And there was a squirrel. And they were friends. One tuesday they decided to go to their favourite creek to look for acorns and fish. The best acorns were always near the banks as the acorn trees were the most watered up. So there they were. The bear hurled right into the water while the squirrel began squirreling. Oddly they were having no luck with their food finding. And then the day got cold suddenly. It was a blizzard out of no where. The bear and the squirrel didnt know what to do. They were far from their woodland home and had nothing warm besides their fur and they were hungry. As the blizzard became a white out they realized they were lost and lonely and cold and hungry and it was miserable. If only they had known they would have stayed home. And then in their complete misery they realized that at least they had each other and they were not alone. As this realization began to become clear an acorn fell in front of them and the blizzard began to fade. And all was well with the bear and the squirrel. Until one day when there was no food so the bear ate the squirrel.

Sometimes when I find myself post lost fight and wondering how it happened or just feeling lonely and defeated I can remember wise words from a loving mother who told me to look for the Lord's tender mercies. So as I walked through the store to purchase paper for my printer and found my favourite candy-previously not found in the country of current residence- I felt the tender mercy and realized I am not alone. Regardless of how defeated and lonely some days get I think it is important to remember that we are never alone and that the Lord is always acutely aware of our exact circumstance. So maybe sometimes I need a good blow of defeat to keep me humble and realizing how blessed I am.

I wonder if bears and squirrels think about things like this.

Eighth Grade Christmas

It was math class, I even remember the teacher, who's son is coincidentally friends with my little sister now, and it was Christmas time. My friend gave me a present. It was lightbulb earrings. I loved them. The only issue was my ears werent pierced. You would think that by 13 I would have gotten to that. I hadnt. So I went home and told my mother I wanted them pierced. She said I would have to wait 6 months and if I still wanted them then I could get them done. I was shocked. Hello, at 13 I knew what I wanted. And my older sister had hers done when she was like 9 or 10 so it seemed ridiculous. Her reasoning was something along the lines that it was because I change my mind frequently, and usually think I really want something one day and then the next forget about it.

She may never have been more right about anything. As I sit here, with pierced ears that I still do like but waited at least 6 months for, I realize this. I am a very fleeting person. I feel interested for a moment then entirely forget about it. I am not sure how you change something like that but with the 20/20 vision hindsight is sporting me I can see it has left a trail of minor disasters.

This actually happens a shocking amount. Like how I wanted to change my major to photography and now havent touched my camera in over a year. Or how I can think I love someone one day and the next realize we have nothing in common and entirely forget about it. Or the way I can to be in Africa one day and then Europe the next and then forget both and get caught up in Israel.

The only explanation is that I want so many things my brain just cant compute so I just focus on one insanely for a short period then I overload and move on. However this doesnt explain the guy thing. How can I ever marry someone when I cant even decide if I like someone for more than a day? Or if I do like them for several days I find it so easy to forget them when the door closes. I feel like that will be an issue when I am back in a world that involves dates.

At least in the meantime I have a lot of really amazing earrings to remind me that on occasion I can want something long term.

I Wish I Could Find the Words to Say

Today, well now it would be yesterday as with the times and all it is now the day there that it is here, was a day of birth celebration day. I actually dont know if it was a celebration. I dont actually know much about it at all, or maybe even anything. And I am not sure how I feel about that. If I wasnt allergic to emotion I would probably write something like how having the grand canyon of all relationshipal divides is sad or heart breaking. But I maybe just feel nothing because feeling something would be too much. I do not understand how the brain works in relation to coping. It is fascinating and confusing and amazing how the brain can just shut things out so the body can thrive. I probably should have done more but this year I just couldnt. And I want to say I will never regret that but one day I may. So all the words I can find to say are that whatever day this is, if its yesterday or now I choose to look out for me instead of you because that is the only way I know how to cope.

I hope that in whatever place you were that you enjoyed it.

21,998 km, 180 days 17 hours

 And only 16, 083 of those kms are kayaking across the pacific ocean (obviously split into three separate sessions as Japan and Hawaii inbetween.

And yet it feels like a million miles somedays. I suppose reality doesnt always or even often align with thoughts of perceptions. Today was one of those days. I just felt so far away from home, and for some reason knowing it would take 180 days to walk there and I would have to learn to kayak first just seemed discouraging. It was as if I was on another planet. One where all of the fun things from other planets are broadcast but not offered.

So there I was. Feeling frustrated with the situation and wishing I was home. Or maybe even just wishing that someone understood what home was like. And not just any home but my home. I wanted to be able to relate to someone and for them to be able to laugh about the things and places that meant something. And then it happened. In the weirdest way.

I was at church. Which is very typical for a Sunday. The atypical part was I had a friend with me from a different faith, so I had stopped to talk to the missionaries for a moment and it wound up into a whos who between my friend and the missionaries. And while they spoke I felt like I knew this missionary, like I someone had a connection but then I attributed it to one of two things. It was either we had seen each other in passing as we had established months before we had a physics class together many moons ago, or it was because I think Asians look similar. I know that sounds racist but I wouldnt be upset if someone told me Caucasians looked similar so I am standing by it. So there I stood entirely spaced out and trying to figure out why this name and person seemed familiar.

Honestly I spent the next two hours wondering. And then we were sitting across a table and I blurted it out. It was not a smooth segway. It was a "do you know sophie?" And then it all spilled out like a blender without a top on it. He not only knew Sophie but knew her well and Natalya. He then described the colour of my old house and how he had been there and then we suddenly knew a mass of the same people and had both been at Natalya's wedding, both opening Taco boxes. Which means we had definitely met. And I had met his sister several times as she was close with the two girls I love. It all came out. He was at the wedding I missed. And We had swimmer friends that were the same and he tutored a diver friend of mine and it was insane. And it felt like the world was just the world and not another planet. And it made my life feel real again.

Sometimes it feels like I have been gone for so long that none of those happy times existed or mattered. It feels like that wasnt part of this life and that they are separate and that that life has forgotten me. And so in those few minutes while we were stunned and putting together far too many ties it made it seem real. Really real.

Maybe 180 days walking distance from home is okay because it is still home and it will never forget me. And maybe it is okay to be homesick.

Missed Memos

It has taken me nearly two years to realize it but I think I missed the memo. In my previous life I went to a university where my graduating year had 6147 students and 56% were married. You can guess which end of that percentage I was on. At the time there were jokes about me missing the point of my four years there as I had not found a husband. I laughed them on in a lavish rich person way, at least that is how I am recreating it, ah ha ha ha ha (imagine it lavishly). So off I went. Unmarried and without ties to tie or just ties. So then I did the sensible thing and chose to pursue even further education. Welcome to my life. As said life continued I read a lot of things and didnt consider myself as having missed reading something. Until now.

I must have missed a memo. That is the only explanation. Almost every single person I knew well during my years as an undergrad has a spouse. You may think I am exaggerating but I am not. I would say there are about 5 people graduated from the aforementioned attended school that I know that are not married. Even my friends little sibilings are getting engaged. This leads me to the thought that maybe that was a place for marriage. Maybe I should have spent more time dating and less time in the library. And if everyone I know has found their husband there then where do I find one?

Maybe that was one memo I shouldnt have missed.

WARNING:Verbally Graphic

Although the warning has been issued I will reissue, this may not be verbally pleasing.

I am known for my rough exterior often asking if people want to fight, this is a mask hiding my weak and terrified self. So how these things haunt my dreams I am unsure. But I have heard that writing dreams can help so here I am. You will be reading one of three distinct visual hauntings last night. I am sure it will take you three seconds and will seem minimally frightening so I will personally guarantee that it felt like a lifetime of terror.

There I was. Trapped. With two other humans. Looking back I am unsure of who they were. One was a friend and one was a foe. That much was clear. One had a look of anger, no more than that, it was a look of pure evil. We were going to be killed. Somehow he had the other person trapped and I was near a corner of two walls, a door was on the opposing side of the room. He had me trapped and had hold of a wrist. I was on the floor. I had no escape. I was wild with fear. So much fear I was nearly paralyzed. Then somehow I got ahold of scissors. They had an orange handle. Then it was as if the world froze and I knew what I had to do. I didnt want to. But I wanted to die at his hands less. So I took the scissors and will all of my force stabbed them into his hand. And then over and over again on his arm. I remember blood everywhere. And then he had a knife. He began slashing my right arm. Massive gouges. And then somehow I got out. The next thing I knew I had a white bandage covering my arm and a sweater with midlength sleeves was on. I had to get to class. I was late. And I didnt have notes. I sat with a dear friend. Then she offered to take notes for me since I apparently wasnt focused. Somehow I showed her the bandage. It was like reliving the horror.

Soon after I awoke. Frantically feeling my arm for blood. It was fine. I was fine. I was in my bed, in my apartment. I was safe. None of it was real. And yet I still felt fear and horror with it all. And then I restlessly slept the next few hours, like I do every hour when I close my eyes and pretend to be restful as my body craves it. It just never really comes. I dont think dreaming like this. I cant even imagine what a nice dream would be like. Now I can say I have wrote down a dream and it doesnt make any more sense. Except the orange handled scissors because Winston on New Girl brought Jess his good scissors to fix a robot she broke and I rewatched that episode lately. That is all that makes sense. The rest is just graphic and unpleasing.

Like a Stupid Fish Wanting to Die

I am not a fisher. My deep set memories of fishing involved being young and at a cabin and crouched at the end of a pier with a net attempting to catch minnows and being slightly afraid I would because it would be slimy and squirmy and I wouldnt know what to do. Fishing is not an expertise of mine. Although I do wonder what the fish are thinking when they go to the bait. Do they just not see the string? Have they never seen another fish take the bait and then be reeled up and then killed? And havent they had a near death experience before that should make them more wary? How can they not see it coming!

I have wondered this. Until I realized that as humans we are just as blind and retarded. And by humans I mean me, and probably other people. It is like I am a stupid fish wanting to die just going for the bait. In my case the bait is another human. One that knows exactly how to get my attention and to take it away. One that will lay the bait and wait and watch as I come out of the dark towards it and then kill me. Okay that isnt true. Probably most of that isnt even remotely close to truth. It just comes out. Often words just come out that are basically imaginary.

The only real semblance of my fish analogy is that I feel like I am just being blinded and even though I have past experience and have seen other fish die I still cant help myself from taking the bait and caring a little bit. Maybe it is less like bait and more like kryptonite. Can another person really be kryptonite and actually be able to cause weakness that seems impossible to withstand? I think maybe, and not like a "call me maybe" maybe, just a normal maybe.

This is Not A Love Story

There once was a boy. And there was a girl. But this is not a love story. This is just a story.

It was different and sporadic. Perhaps a friendship based on a previous relationship or perhaps it was something undefinable in between. Regardless, it was to be envied. The boy was ridiculous. One that you wouldnt find most places and generally wouldnt understand, mostly due to his hipster and douche like qualities. However there was a girl. One that was weird and independent and possibly a fighter. And somehow this all was irrelevant. Years had worn down the independent facade and the douche like arrogance and it was just a boy and a girl. Due to this breaking down there became a place, it was like the secret grove but it wasnt an actual place. It was just a mutual meeting of respect and bare honesty.

Perhaps it is because of the bareness and the exactness of the truth that it was different. Or it could have been because it represented something unattainable. Either way, it became something to look forwards too in a thriving way. The place wasnt often met at. It was only sporadic. Yet it always happened on days where life had battered the girl and the boy didnt know. And possibly that led to the attraction. Or possibly it was because the bareness had led him to be the only person that knew the girl. And speculation assumes that there was something about the brutal honesty and deep thought that led the boy back to that place. And in that grove of secret sharing it was like real time and geographics didnt exist. All that existed was the words passed between the two.

But this is not a love story. This is just a story. And it doesnt have an end. So it is a crappy story. It just has a boy and girl and no resolution. Only a sort of strange peace that lingers knowing that girl isnt alone in the darkness that isnt spoken.

The What If's pt 2

I know it has been wrote by myself before but as of yet I dont have a better title and I need to write this. So we are back to it.

In the end it's the what if's that matter most.

I was reminded today that something doesnt have to happen to be life altering. The actual thought of a what if can be enough. I am not sure where to start, I know my mother would say at the begininning but where that is I dont even know. Probably it was when I made a routine call phone, like ET I often make that call just to keep in touch. And then there was german words and normal words and then it was supposed I had called about her. I didnt know what was happening. And it was awkward. And then I heard about the ambulance and the hospital and details were scarce. I hung up and tried a cellphone with no response. So I did the only thing I could. I knelt down and prayed and cried. It was in the top three, probably two, times that I have ever felt that much sorrow and pain.

Reality came to light an hour later after I was dehydrated from so many tears pouring out. She would be okay. She was okay. They figured it out and oddly it was something I am trained to treat. I would be the person she would see if I was there. But I am not. And that hurts so incredibly much.

The point of it all was that I felt like I would never forgive myself for not being there. And then I realized I cant stay here forever or even for a really long time past necessity. I need to go back. The mere thought of losing the person that has given me the most in my life, with the only possible exception being my mother, hurt more than anything I could imagine.

I am allergic to emotions so I cant really describe it all in words but the literal what if of losing someone that monumental crushed everything I am. I am going to read everything I can on treatments and will do everything possible to make her proud and to solve it all but more than that I feel ever so grateful for another day. For another chance to say I love you and to know that God hears my prayers. I need to step up, this what if has reminded me of how short life is and how close we all are to the reality of mortality. I need to start making more things count.

I love you.

Misalignment

We have thoughts. And perceptions. And needs. And wants. And somehow all of these things dont always collide and intertwine. It is like when you analyze data and are looking for correlations and then see none and realize that the thought process and time might be in vain in a sense, only the sense that it hasnt produced the desired result and that the results may not be statistically significant. I think I am sensing this misalignment in my own life and it is causing tension maybe of the contention variety.

I think I have recognized wants and desires and felt overcome by them and then not realized the needs that exist and the fact that they may not be part of the same trail, at least not in the beginning. I have a tendency to have an idea and then to want to blindly follow it until the next brilliant thing pops into my mind, however when I allow that to come into play I sometimes overlook the necessities that require attention before the need.

It might be time to step off the path. To breathe and to take time for some self healing and reflection. I have been devoting time so many ventures, mostly lovely ones that are putting me on paths for growth and financial means, however I have been keeping preoccupied. I have chosen the ventures that are least painful in the other senses. I focus on knowledge and finances instead of emotion and healing. I think I might need to make some changes to realign myself. It is probably time to stop expecting the chips to fall into the places I want them. They will fall where they fall and I should accept that and begin working on moving them into place. I am terrified of uncluttering my life and seeing what I have left in the shadows. But I think it is time to start that process.

Silence Can Mean the Unknown, Thats Why I Have Headphones

I surprise myself with my quietness sometimes, but it is usually just a quietness inside. I feel uncomfortable in true silence unless it is nature silence which is calming to my soul. But when I am in a crowded place or a place that is not engaged in conversation and even some that are I crave music. I feel alone and naked without it. It is as if my mind requires the calming relief of the sounds to drown out its static. I think it is because my mind gets going and overwhelms me and it leads to thoughts of the unknown and the future and it is frightening. I like knowing. I like things to be precise and clearcut and simple. I like logic and answers. I do not like muddied waters or forks in the road that do not have clear signs and maps with them.

Lately the unknown has been nagging louder than normal. It is trying to drown out my crappy headphones since I broke my nice ones yet again, or maybe they broke themselves, I think that is what happened. Regardless, I feel like the unknown is taking over the known and leaving me unsettled. The things I used to think I knew appear to be misled or disappearing and it leaves me confused. I just want the static of my concerns to be drowned out by specific music of my choice and for things to just continue on the relatively unmoveable path of the next seven months. After that I accept the unknown but for tonight I just want to drown in the music and not have nightmares and not to feel my mind reaching at foreign possibilities and reminding me of inadequacy. 

Music may exist just to try and save my mind from itself.

Because Life's too Short to Hold a Grudge For Time

It is one of those inexplicable things I cant help. I just dont like to see neglect. So when I look at my top 25 most played songs and see overrepresented bands I then dont listen to them for months, even if I want to. Which is entirely ridiculous. I mean the fact that I may love them that much should be good and should not lead to punishment. The whole thing is illogical. I just feel bad for the songs that get overlooked because I fall into traps set by lyrics meant to steal my thoughts and draw me in to a grasp I will barely ever escape. So I am trying to break that. But I am a bit OCD and so I feel like it will be difficult to break as it is a pit I have been trapped in with no visible ladder for quite some time.

So here I am. Listening to the beloved album "Broken Summer" quite possibly the album that will most touch my entire life. And I cant help but remember high school and boys and growing up and sleepless nights and pain and emo days and growing and feeling not alone when I listened to these songs. And somehow it brings a sad peace. The music recognizes loss and hurt and somehow acknowledges it and reminds you it's okay but in the remembering it leaves a soft sting. Lyrics are lingering as if they cant leave until I get the message, like a clue waiting for the right person to interpret it.

I want to try. I feel the pleading. I know grudges are not meant to be held and that the grudge is a creepy movie I will never watch again. But I am so jaded and I do feel like bad times seem to last and I know I need to change this and I am about to quote this whole song because it is screaming at me in its soft way. I wish rearranging was easier and that I could just forgive everything. But somehow it just seems too soon. I will try and everytime I bless my ears with this sweet melody I will be reminded to be less jaded  but I think this is one grudge that will need more healing. So I will close my eyes and move on to the next song of the album and wish upon a star glowing on my ceiling that one day I will meet a boy that will sing this to me. Because even though it is a bit sad it is so loving and tender and it brings a swirl of the reality of love and pain and life and everything you could want.

So much of the last decade has been defined by this album and I could go on for every song but I feel like I would bore my one reader/I would probably get really emotional and awkward. The thing is this album still understands me better than most people and I think I will never stop listening to it again even though it is overwhelming my top 25.

Would my time have been wasted had this not occurred. // Taking in deep breaths I'm too numb inside.

It's Not Like A Movie, It's Not All Skin and Bones

"If you could see me, whoever I am."

The keys were in hand. The door merely a step away. The key just needed to be placed in the lock, turned the door pushed open, another few steps taken, another key used and another door pushed open. Yet a pause occurred. A reflection was seen. And all of a sudden a chain of mental processes began. And it was like lightning striking in my brain.

I think I am just whoever I am these days. I am not really concerned with outside influences or opinions. I just feel comfortable in my skin. Yet that is not just it. I dont feel like I am just anatomically existing. I am more than my bones. I am recognizing my substance and am proud to be where I am at and who I am. And it feels amazing. I mean I am still insecure and have no idea what I am doing with my life half the time but I am feeling more like me than ever.

And more than anything I wish people could see all of that and not just see me for the obvious appearance or blatant things. I wish I knew how to let people in.

That Person

I am that person. Entirely. I am the one that rolls their eyes and gives an exasperated sigh and feels a rush of annoyance at the ignorance. Here is how it goes. Someone says "OMG have you heard that new song from that one band? They are like so totally awesome. I love them. I watched their music video like the second it came out. I am basically their biggest fan. I love blah blah blah so freaking much. He is so talented you have no idea. You should like listen to them, maybe you will like them. Blah, blah blah." And I am like "uhm so yah, this is actually Blah blah blah's second band, his first one was named blah blah and yes I have been listening to his music since those days an easy decade ago. Would you like me to introduce you to all of his music  you have been naively unaware of as you are too top 40 to realize that music goes deeper than the ground. It is often referred to as underground of indie. So yes I have heard that they made it big and I am quite happy for them as it prolongs the days that they will provide music to my ears. Thank you for checking in on my vast knowledge."

I cant help it. That is the person I am. I just am not a top 40. I am not a latest greatest. I dont do bandwagons. I just am a one of those people that spends too much time on AP and happens to like bands forever even when they break up, and when that happens then I just love their new band also. So probably do a background check on your next latest and greatest. I mean this has been me since high school when FOB hit it. I just happen to like music you have never heard of probably, and will most likely crush you if you attempt to introduce me to something of mine. I am likely evil.

Perhaps She Is A Guardian Angel

Sometimes bad things happen. Or things just happen. And then it seems like no one else in the world could ever possibly understand. Circumstance can create isolation and feelings of aloneness like nothing else. And so often the hardest part of this is realizing that there are actually very few people who could ever really understand. For the most part understanding comes from personal experiences and often pain linked to such experiences. I think that is why when we find someone who truly understands we want to put them in our pocket and never let them out.

Meeting her was unreal. I mean we had met several times, perhaps hundreds wouldnt be an exaggeration. She was a part of my routine and life. Yet I dont feel like we had really met until one day I asked her a personal question, I needed help and had heard she had an illness in common with me. The conversation came and passed and we both walked our separate paths. This happened another time or two and life went on.

Then it was like we met again, for real this time. We were at a dinner celebrating a quarter of a century of someones life. And we somehow started comparing scars, scars that were the exact same from our previous surgeries. Then it melted into a sea of words and emotion and pain all flowing through a private conversation in a public gathering whilst we sat on the floor.

It was like I had met me from outside. Our situations were stunningly similar. We had the same histories of both family and health tribulations. So  much so that I had never met anyone before her, besides my doctor, that actually got what can happen when health was throttled by our shared enemy. But more than that, she got the emotion of a failing unit. Sentences were finished by each other as we poured out our concerns for siblings and mothers and the agony of recognizing that we may never recognize someone from our past again.

And when it was all said and done and I found myself brushing my teeth all I could do was to hold back the tears and thank her and God for loving me and for understanding. I dont think I will ever find the right words to tell her, but it was the first time I ever realized someone else could be going through the exact same thing. Could be in the same stressful life situation compounded with the exact same struggles on top off it. It really was like our lives were parallel. Perhaps she is guardian angel.

And I Will Change My Ways

The world was moving on, yet it felt like it had stopped. All I felt was my own breath and the steady beating of my heart. I had recessed into my own mind. I realized a fatal flaw. Pride and the need for order had clouded my judgement. I had seen it as rule breaking. In my head sixty minutes shouldnt be stretched to ninety and sun salutations shouldnt begin when savasana should be starting. It went against my thoughts. So I withstood. My stubborn side pushed through and I had avoided the situation. It was different tonight. I allowed myself to let go of the clock, to recognize that a new style is refreshing and that if we taught the same it would be too easy to compare faults. It was challenging and I needed that. I needed to lose the pride and to realize that I have so far to go.

Spending all of my time in front of the room guiding each pose and following my habits had allowed the pride to sink in. The moment I realized the issue was in my pride not in her teaching it all changed. I became teachable. I let it go back to the practice. All that mattered. It was not about her or me or that we both teach. It was about growing and finding myself and bringing it back to my breath.

I will change my ways. I will release this pride and work harder to become a better teacher and to grow. I want to work through the poses she challenges me with and be able to bring new life into my classes. I fear I revert back to the old prideful yogi in me but I want to be better, regardless, I will hold on hope.

Everyday I am Proud of You, But Today You Get a Card

Today was peculiar. It just felt abnormally not like a day that is a normal day. It has been like riding up a continual escalator and being so unaware that you are even moving. However the abnormalness hasnt been negative. I just have felt like I was outside the snowglobe looking in, trying to make sense.

Perhaps Summer and Tom explain it best. They are clever and attractive and heartbreaking and stylish and human. Their failures and adversity and success all seem so real and like my life sometimes. Except that my life is not full of such witty greeting cards or impecable fashion or possibly the two greatest acting people ever. I just relate. I understand Ikea and The Smiths and wondering about love and not wanting to be someones something and wanting to be someones something. I just feel like it entirely is relatable. And when Tom has best laid plans and they crumble and Summer has no plans and it falls into place I just think about how I make the most brilliant plans and they always are destroyed by life.

I think I need to start believing more in fate than just thinking that because someone likes the same random crap that I do means it is meant to be. Tom was just confused and Summer was just Summer. I want what Tom and Summer have, but in their separate ways. In the way that they each find themselves and have lives full of Regina Spektor in the background.

The Right Person Comes at The Right Time

I am a possibly right person always wrong time type of girl. I am sure I have wrote about this before but I have a friend that once told me, what seems a lifetime ago, that the right person comes at the right time. I entirely believe that, I just sometimes forget it. I am almost always the one looking to another country or hemisphere and feeling a sense of longing. I never seem to meet a person living in the same place, at least not one that there is something there with.

It probably seems like my thoughts are drastic or overreaching but in reality they are much  less exaggerated than most things I say. From the beginning when I moved to the states and liked a Canadian boy, to the boy I wrote in Argentina, to the boy I left in America and moved back to Canada, to the boy in Canada I left for America, to the boy in America when I left for Australia etc etc. This keeps happening. Everytime I feel like I have met someone I could be with the right place or time is a massive issue. I have to keep reminding myself that it means it isnt right. At least not right now.

I opened up in a major way tonight and the ball started rolling, Until it was a massive ball of snow that engulfed and killed us. Well maybe we are not dead, but the end of the conversation felt almost that way. The listening ears felt frustrated and thought I had met the one and that only religion stood in the way. Happily I responded that if he had been the one than religion wouldnt have stood in the way.

I have grown up a lot since I started writing online. A lot. And I would not have recognized that before. Just because appearance-wise and personality and a lot of things seem perfect and perhaps I did have a instant love at first sight feeling and things seem as if two should become one doesnt mean it should. Sometimes the bigger picture isnt the small picture and all we see is the small one.

So despite the lingerings that have sat for the last several years I remember that the right person comes at the right time and that hasnt happened yet. And that is okay.

Follow Up On Jason Tates Thursday Discussion

This week it was on a Friday there not Thursday which is Saturday here. Which is irrelevant. If you dont know Jason Tate that is okay. I dont exactly know him either. I better reign this in before it gets awkward. So the point is absolutepunk is my go to website. It  keeps me up to date on my world of music etc and Jason Tate works for them and entirely understands my scene, ergo this is a follow up. Thursday discussions often create endless amounts of pondering for me. Like the one about Drive Through Records or the one about favourite albums from 2001-2003. Things like this intrigue me and can get me talking for ages, hence why AP is a perfect fit.

So back to todays. Its about lyrics. Either you are the type of person who swears that lyrics describe their life more than anything, or you are not. Understand I am the latter. I have a wall just with lyrics. So as I read through Jason's top ten and completely agreed with several I then found myself reading the posted comments and thinking of mine. So I shall share a few that have stuck throughout the years and will forever describe parts of my life.

Death Cab- Someday You Will Be Loved
"And I cannot pretend I felt any regret, each broken hear will eventually mend, someday you will be loved"

Yellowcard- Firewater
"You sat me down beside myself to show me all the reasons I was wrong for you. Was this for real? It's hard to tell, 'cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into"

Tegan and Sara- Nineteen
"I feel you in my heart and I dont even know you, and know we're saying bye, bye bye."

Fall Out Boy- A Little Less Sixteen Candles
"Cuz your just the girl all the boys wanna dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances"

I could go on for ages. But you get the point. I think it is good to have some way to describe the things you cant find the words for.

music mends broken hearts.

Just Checking On My Dragons

I cant help it. I am slightly addicted to Dragonvale and I dont even care how nerdy that sounds. I mean I always have liked dragons, who doesnt? So how could I not love designing my island of dragons and feeding them and building habitats and watching them hatch? It is amazing. I am not even embarrassed about it. Only 4 more hours til my ice dragon hatches.

Maybe I Am That Girl

I have spent years trying to fight stereotypes. Paving my own path and forcing it to be one that was not what was expected. I someone have always felt a sense of defiance when it comes to being the expected. I didnt go to my graduation as I didnt want to wear a dress. I spent my mornings before high school at the gym instead of doing my hair. I just wanted to stand out in a sense where I wasnt being seen almost. I wanted to be different but not obtain any attention from it. That has always been the mentality I have had. I never wanted to be that typical mormon girl that went to university just to meet someone to marry and then make a million babies. I wanted to be strong and independent and do things my own way. I didnt want to be fussed over, I wanted to be in charge.

And here I am. With a two and three combining to make an age. I am beginning my seventh year of university, although it will really end with six and a half and never reach a seven. I am unmarried and I dont have a zillion children. And I have spent this time being defiant and not spending my mornings doing my hair and not looking for guys that would fuss over me.

And with all of that being wrote, I think maybe I am that girl. Maybe I really am that girl that wants a fairytale. That wants to meet someone that adores me and makes me feel like a princess and makes me want to do my hair and not be so independent. Maybe I really do want a wedding where everyone smiles as they see me smile and then to have a zillion babies. Maybe I really am not that different.

The Things That Scare Us, Or Just Me

I do not usually think of myself of someone that is overly fearful. Until I start talking. Then I realize it. And sometimes when I realize that I think "dangit! Why I am such a pansy?!". But I think maybe I am not a huge pansy, and here is why.

There is reasoning behind nearly all of my fears. They are not just illegitimate random things I chose out of a hat. I dont like escalators because once I got my shoelace caught in one and once I tripped on one and got rather cut up. I get nervous when I run in the dark and have to tell someone how long I will be gone for and the exact route I will run because in middle school a girl on my street was raped. I do not like being home alone in the dark because that is always the scene in movies before the girl is attacked, and lets be honest, I am not overly large in stature or strong. I do not like wasps because I stepped on a ground wasp next as a child and they chased and attacked me. I get nervous driving over train tracks because in elementary school the father of a boy in my class was killed on train tracks.

So really most of my fears are logical when referenced back to history. The only one that might still feel flawed is spiders  but I entirely think they will kill me in my sleep, hence my fear. As I realized that I wasnt just fearful of the world and everything in it just a few things because of life experiences I realized how wrongly I think sometimes. I have such a hard time seeing the bigger picture in both my own life and in others and it can be like my head is in the sand. I really want to be a better person, one that can be a bit more open to the fact that I dont know others life experiences and what brought them to this point. That would probably help me be a less evil person.

Barry and His Bladder

I have learned a lot of things while living in Australia. One of the most important though is to not walk under trees. There are many reasons why not to. Initially I didnt because I was afraid a drop bear would attack me and well I didnt want to die. Then I avoided trees at night because Bats tend to swoop out of them at your head. After I realized I was fascinated by bats I slacked off and began to walk under the ominous trees again. Until I saw a massive spider web with a huge creepy spider in one. So it was back to the road. However, all of this was nothing until I met Barry.

Let me set the stage. It was a Friday night and I was walking up to the shops with a housemate. We saw our Canadian neighbours and stopped to chat, as neighbours do. It was a very common occurance really. As we chatted one neighbour asked what was dripping on his head in confusion. Since it flooded last year and well sorta rains a lot the instinctive thought was that it must be starting to drizzle. However, I immediately realized I was feeling no sense of moisture. So I looked up. And there was Barry the Possum, peeing. It was a situation where I knew I should feel bad but I was laughing so hard I just couldnt. Our conversation ended in a rapider fashion but Barry just kept emptying his bladder.

This taught me a lot. Mostly that possums have massive bladders. And that they pee from trees. I think I will stick to walking on the streets. I also think I will love Barry forever, even if my housemates say he cant live with us.

Some Hearts Explode out of Chests

It started small. Then the next thing I knew it literally was about to explode. My heart was making my whole body shake. At least that is how it felt. It just appeared like I was normal though I am pretty sure.

These moments dont come exceedingly often. And when they do I generally try and breathe them away. It is like it is a call to action when I just want to sit quietly, unobserved, in the corner. I couldnt ignore it this time though as I didnt want to die when my heart exploded. So I walked to the front and awkwardly said a few things.

I dont generally write thoughts regarding religion on here, only because it is really important to me and I dont want to feel vulnerable. But after my heart wanted to explode I think I should just actually write a little bit of what I said.

I wanted to recognize my gratitude for my mother. For her strength. For her ability to turn me towards Christ when I am struggling. Her ability to centre her life around Christ has shown me the significance of it. I have seen the alternative in the same situation and it was only led to unhappiness and misery. With Christ as the centre you are never alone and you can receive a peace that cannot be cured in a worldly fashion. I am both grateful for my mother and for her upbringing me in a religious environment. I cant imagine the pain and inconsolable aching I would feel if I lived without Christ.

My heart shall remain in my chest.

As Rare as Sweating Unicorn Tears

Some things are not common. They do not happen to everyone. They are not bought with petty cash. They are not found in a box or with a fox. And these things are not green eggs and ham.

It is hard to explain. It is more than just selflessness. It is the recognition of need, the willingness to make a difference and to forgo your own pain to try and cure someones else's. I dont even know if it is possible for anyone besides a mother to even exhibit this, and definitely a lot of mothers dont. It was really apparent today and well yesterday too. Stress has been mounting and emotional turmoil is climaxing and the most precious email and reward per-say appeared. And it left me with eyes full of tears and a comforting feeling of love. The aloneness lessened and I immediately saw the selflessness.

I had been like a rock made of sand, crumbling on impact but pretending to be strong, for appearances and to try and lend support. Yet the tables were entirely turned when her support found me weak, unsure and crumbled. I may not ever need to see a unicorn because I have a mother that is just as rare.

The Beginning Begins Again

It is like starting from scratch again. And it is incredibly frustrating. It feels like each step forwards is followed by a natural disaster. Like a boulder falling on your head because of a random rock slide. I know that there is probably some grand lesson I will learn but oddly enough that never seems to solve the now or lessen any pain from said learning experience. So instead of sitting here trying to think of what to learn I am just eating skittles instead. Some things are just out of our control, and well, since I am growing my hair out I cant just cut it like I normally do when I am upset, I am left with eating skittles instead and deciding that this is the last beginning of this chapter.

A Box of Daylight

So in some places they save daylight. Like a whole hour of it. So after I realized that I was not thrilled about this hour of savings of light because it makes it one hour less of each day that is  conducive to phone calls home I got thinking about it. How amazing would it be if we had medium sized jars to save daylight, kind of like fireflies in a sense. Think about it, like say oh you have to be inside working all day, why not save some of that light you wont see anyways during the day and then use it in the evening to go running? It is a good plan. Yet instead of being so clever we just return that hour many months later and then follow the cycle again. It feels a little like a bit of a waste of saving of light knowing we will just release it back into the wild without much thought. I really wish I could save daylight in a jar to keep on my shelf like a night light.

Sandpaper Fingers

The videos all had that same one part. The one where her fingers sounded like sandpaper just scrapping against skin. I imagined nails on the chalkboard in that moment and decided the sandpaper fingers sound may be worse. And then because I was imagining so much I not only missed the point of the educational videos but I also thought with all that sandpapering there should be blood but there wasnt and then I was confused. I am not sure I will be able to sweet tap or facilitate movement now without imagining sandpaper fingers and then frantically checking to make sure my hands are soft and unsandpapery. I would probably learn more if I didnt get lost in tangents of my own imagination so often.

Banana's Are for Monkeys

I was just making a smoothie post run which is a relatively normal type thing to do I am pretty sure. And as the fruit was blending and I was getting my Mickey Mouse Love Smoothie Cup I had this flash of thoughtish things. So for about a year I was vegetarian. I didnt do it because I was all sad for animals or because I was saving the planet from global warming or because I wanted super powers (I did consider going vegan to have vegan powers though..). So I suppose for that period occasionally I found it more difficult to find foods I loved in quick restaurants. Then I went back to white meat. This choice was purely health related and was a good step for me. And then when I found out I needed to cut our gluten I once again found it harder to eat out in a quick fashion. Also I just prefer to cook I think, but that is totally irrelevant.

The point that has taken me ages to get to is that often I think people have weird reasons to stop eating something. I understand not eating something because you think it tastes gross. Or not eating something because it makes you sick. But I dont think I understand completely other reasons. I mean if we just thought that edible things were for specific purposes we might not eat much. That would mean that all the bananas would be for monkeys and I like bananas. So I am wondering if there really is anything to the whole vegetarian/vegan/ovolacto stuff. Maybe there is and I just missed the mark. But maybe all food is just meant to be eaten and that is why we have it. I mean God really thought eveything through when He created everything so I guess that leaves me thinking that yep we should eat the food we are blessed with.

Normal Life Things

Hey Humans.

I just am doing normal life things. You know. Like reading books. And cooking food from recipes. And calling my Mum. And going for walks. And having girl time. Just the things that Humans do. Thats about all. So why is being Human so hard? I often wish I was a robot. Or a ninja. Because both seem unhuman. But then at the end of the day I remember that I like just normal Human things so I shall just continue on the path of humaning. At least until I find a ninja school.

That is all. Dont do drugs.

Love, a fellow Human

May Or May Not

It is like I am watching a movie. It is a movie with exceptional music, really, the soundtrack is stunning. Which is necessary as the actual scenes and pictures are disjointed, the emotion scewed, the plot may not even exist. And this movie finds a way to play whenever my eyes close and I allow myself to think. The thing is, this movie is just disjointed parts of my past throwing together moments and memories and experiences and wondering if I missed something. If something more is there. Or if I am just taking qualities and noticing they check the right boxes and then trying to create a movie ending that results in something more. I dont know. I often wonder how much of my memory is correct and how much I have re-imagined in some new light.

I know that the sidewalk by the duck pond where I sat during probably the hardest moments of my life was real. I know that who I called then was real. I dont know if there was anything more ever though.

I think I am one of those people that has a hard time letting go. Actually I know that. I try and salvage everything. Not in a hoarding way. But in a "I dont want to lose someone" way. If that makes any sense. I dont even know really what is reality in this and what is in my head and what is me wanting something. It is just blurred in a fashion that makes it all seem partially real and partially unattainable. This may or may not be me wondering if I am just holding onto something that wasnt in the past or if it is something that is potential in the future. 

Unwritten Words

I havent filled in a lot of gaps. Probably because I still feel confused and disappointed and overwhelmed and just mostly a lot lost in it all. I imagine things in my head in such a vivid and real way that when reality doesnt meet up to it I feel confused. I think this was part of the demise. Maybe the other part was just plain reality.

So reality is I had a holiday planned. I took the planes. I made it to the location. And then I spent a lot of time being really naseous, and some time vomiting, and a lot of time at doctors appointments and a brief period in surgery (just keyhole not like major organ removing crazy stuff), and then recovering and reading and happily seeing humans I share DNA with. So yep. I thought it was going to be epic. And then it was basically like "hey your health sucks"and I was like "tell me something not obvious" and then it was like "lets cut you open" and I was like "finally" and then it was like "ps you probably cant have gluten" and I was like "that sucks". And then I had to change my food life.

Its been two weeks. I dont even know what is most bothering. Probably that I am still sore enough that I cant lay on my stomach. For some reason that is overwhelmingly frustrating. Maybe because I like to sleep on my stomach, or maybe because thats how I watch TV or read or exist. Or maybe it is just frustrating that I cant really exercise yet and that I will have to work up to it. Or maybe it just is like ugh. Probably because I am just ready for a day when I wake up feeling healthy. That sounds odd. But that may be the only way I can write it.

I havent been writing because of this blah ugh whateverness. The whole adding another random health thing on top of it all when I am an active, healthy lifestyle person just seems like ugh, for real? So I think I just feel like my holiday wasnt a holiday and I needed one. It just was full of a lot of emotion and aching and longing and physical pain and confusion and just a lot of things that I dont cope well with. So with my inability to handle the realm of emotion I just blanked out on words.

Summary complete. Next chapter.

Femur

It is hard to explain. It wasn't a normal goodbye. It was one of the ones that breaks hearts. Over the last two and a half weeks I had fallen in love with them. We had routine. I knew their favourite breakfast foods and how they liked their hair done. They had taught me the names of the my little ponies and words to Disney songs. It was as it should be. I had immediately loved them as if they were mine.

So as we reached the goodbye point the tears fell. You see, they are going to be adopted. And well, I am not in a position to adopt yet and I don't think my mother is. So this goodbye was so real. I may never get to braid their hair, or snuggle up with then while we read books. So all I could was turn to little Soph and tell her to never forget that I loved her and then I said remember what bone this is as I pointed to my quad. She smiled and said femur. If nothing else sticks my darling little four year old will always know where her femur is.

YVR

I had a chance to make a stop. I stopped in a city for 8 hours. Not because I couldnt get a flight home in time. Only because I needed to see someone. Someone epically impressive. So there I was. Walking through an unfamiliar airport hoping to see a face I knew. And there you were. It was one of those days that worked out more perfectly than anyone could imagine. You had found a place for me to store my bags and off we went.

Maybe magic and excitement comes innately when you are in a new city, or maybe it comes when friendships are rekindled. Or maybe it just comes when you buy 20 timbits and walk around eating them all. There is a familiarity in the unfamiliar sometimes. The 8 hours turned out literally perfect. From the little girl that joined our photo to the quidditch at the science centre every moment was brilliant.

Sometimes stops along the way to a destination feel hasseled and unneccesary. I am frequently guilty of this thought process. Yet last week it was the best choice I could have made. Memories were made and laughs were had that reminded me of the brilliance of life. You are the best fake boyfriend I have ever had.

My New Level of Classy

This is unordered. However, this is most recent and I would like to depict it.

I am home and it is snowing and heavenly. The furnace is on keeping me toasty warm and it is basically like I have died and gone to the most magical heaven you can imagine. Yet I woke up feeling ill, no worries I went back to bed as my plans were to begin at 2. I was finally going to go to "Colour Me Mine" and obviously the best drive through on earth after. This was going to be true sisterly bonding. SO we drive nearly there and I am all "I need some air" so I roll down the window and let the freezing air in. Then I decide she should pull over. And if you know traffic on 14th it is near downtown and never going quickly so I decided to just get out and make the most of the slow traffic. I then threw up on a building, and then around the corner twice. A kind man came and took me to the offices bathroom and after checked that we had a way to get home. He then asked if I was pregnant. Nope. Just like to vomit downtown in the afternoons. Welcome home.

I did decide to enjoy my death by chocolate night anyways as I figured if I threw up it would be worth it. I feel a bit classier now having thrown up on the streets.

Starry Stars; Star

You look up and expect the stars to be starry and they are, and you know that the world is as magical as you imagined it to be.

There arent a lot of things that I find that really make me smile in that way where I cant stop it. where I am so drawn in it is like I am in a trance. But that is just what happens with the Last Unicorn. It leaves me feeling so incredibly magical and joyful. It brings hope in the dark situations and tells you not to run whilst around immortals as it draws their attention. I cant ask for much more than that. So as the stars shone extra brightly on me as I wandered the streets towards the place I call home I felt that magic was a little more real. I think that if I saw a unicorn I would recognize it and not think it is a mare.

Baby Stealing and Drinking Crack

I cant help it. Everytime I have a proper white hot chocolate I close my eyes and imagine it is like drinking crack. It is just so incredibly pure and amazing. It is probably the one and only drink that can just warm my insides entirely and make me feel like the world is safe. And that is how on a few hours into my morning but still pre 8 am began. Needless to say I was thrilled.

As the morning progressed a baby arrived. She soon went into a room with her mother and my life continued. Then as time passed I heard fussing. I resisted. Then I couldnt resist anymore and offered to take the baby during her treatment. She thanked me. And I was in heaven. I cant help it. I adore children. And it just feels so natural and comforting to hold a baby. They exude love and joy and perfection. Sadly when I asked if I could keep her baby forever she said no.

Luckily I got to go pick up cupcakes and eat one so that compensated for the whole left by the baby leaving. Work was odd today. None of these things are typical, but they are all incredibly wonderful. Maybe it is the little things that are out of the ordinary that are what make days. There is so much more to life than paychecks and rain.

Some Objects of Desire

Can we want something so much that it becomes unreal or unattainable?

I think I get so incredibly caught up in my head and my thoughts and my imagination and my wondering that I sometimes lose sight of reality. It is not like I live in a subspace that has highways that can get me places incredibly quickly. I just dont always see what is really there. Lately I have been really caught up in the fact that I am not married. And I know a lot of people would gasp or think I am being a bit ridiculous, I mean I am only ten times two plus three. But in my mind I had always thought I would be married and probably having a kid by this age. And the reality is that most of my friends are and I think that creates a sense of pressure on myself. A pressure I make appear because I dont want to be on the wrong path or incredibly missing out on what matters. So I get caught up in the past and mistakes and wondering what I did wrong if I did something to create this. And then I manage to get a massive feeling of loss and loneliness. And it is all created by me.

I wonder if I sometimes desire that next step so much that I am creating an insatiable impatience. I mean I am pretty sure it will happen some time. But I forget that. At least life manages to remind me of it in odd ways. Like how randomly yesterday a boy told me I was beautiful and I was in yoga clothes, a plaid shirt and converse. I didnt look great. And in that moment I was shocked, I forgot what it felt like to have someone even for one second look at me like I was something special.

The desire wont disappear. Marriage and family is ultimately what I want. But I think when there are small moments that remind me that there is hope for it that it will satisfy that craving until the time is right. Or at least I hope so. Because some days I want to just punch everyones love in the face so it shuts up.

Realms That Dont Overlap

So many things intermingle. We can find ourselves in some unknown place but have little things remind us of another time, or perhaps a person appears. It is just how things seem to work. Not much is truly isolated. And yet some things try and overlap and shouldnt. Sometimes there needs to be a divide. A line drawn. Not a line in the sand, those can too easily be washed away, or blown or walked over. A real line. One that separates objects. Similar to the supposed separation of church and state, although I dont believe those two can be truly divided.  I suppose I am just trying to say that sometime we need to recognize boundaries and what we have a say in, and sometimes that means holding our tongue. Realms arent always meant to overlap.

Broken Snowglobes

I imagine that if you broke a snowglobe it would be tragic as the water would slowly seep out, eventually leaving it as an empty and less worthful object. It would probably then be thrown out or tossed in a box under the stairs to collect dust and to be forgotten for a very long time. And yes, I do think things in boxes can accumulate dust. Dust is sneaky like that.

I feel like tears are often the same as the water in snowglobes. They fall haphazardly and without warning sometimes, or maybe because there was too much pressure built up, or because of an incident. Regardless, once they all fall out they leave you feeling less than full, and mostly empty. It is a feeling of loss and confusion and often misunderstanding of what happened.

Snowglobes should be handled with care, and so should tears.

Classifieds

Looking For:

A new "Go-To" person. Someone selfless with good logicality and listening skills. Someone that will respond in crisis but also just be there for all of the good times. Gender does not matter. Pre-requisites: must not be an ex of mine.

Please contact me for further information.

Nails That Look Like Screws

Sometimes you need reminders. Like a string tied to your finger so you dont forget the milk. I should go find a string to remind me not to step on things. I think I got so caught up in the unwell feeling that seems constant that I forgot what real pain is. I am pretty sure I know remember. I have been reminded that it is much more painful to step on a nail with tons of swirls and to get it half stuck in your foot and then removed. The getting it stuck part doesnt even really hurt. It mostly just hurts when they try and pull it out or when they stick a needle in your foot. In an odd way I am glad I stepped on it. It just kinda brought me back to reality. Pain does that. It is a hassle though as I cant really run since it hurts to walk but thats okay. I will just take this week to get back on track.

Reminder, dont step on sharp things that can impale you, it can be inconvenient. 

The Truth Behind My Lack of Marriage

Odd how the marriage topic is coming up. It just is happening in real life so it isnt my fault that I am writing about it. You see the other day I was having an immersion week in a hospital. As such I was helping with a few patients and observing and what not. The last morning we were with a patient we had been seeing each morning. He was a bit unpredictable but our walk was less traumatic than usual and so when it was finally time to get him into the chair before leaving I was feeling like things had gone much smoother than the past two days, it had been decent. Then as I was helping him into the chair he commented on my weak muscles. In his broken english he told me that I didnt have a husband because of said small muscles, and that I needed to eat more, he then proceeded to tell me his wife was strong.

All of these years and I just didnt know. I mean I thought my arms were toned but apparently not. And since I am crazy I went straight from the hospital to the gym and worked out enough to have my arms still hurting a day and a half later. I am not letting small muscles be my demise, good try.

Being On A Date With Him Was Like Being With A Brick Wall

One time I was in a class about Islam. It was really lovely and their was a boy from Pakistan, he was the most insightful. And so once class the discussion turned to arranged marriage. It seemed like a foreign concept and yet when his input began it made sense. Why not have the people that know you best find you someone? It still didnt seem like my thing as I like the idea of being excessively independent but I was intrigued.

Today I am not sure I feel the same though. As I was conversing with my brother I realized he is my favourite person, he understands me better than anyone else and we can talk about everything. Due to this he has been left with the job of finding me a husband. You see this may seem like a joke but it isnt. Clearly with my years of dating being looked at I am not choosing the right people. I mean I can find someone that seems to have it on paper and then go on a date and find it as boring as being with a brick wall. And there have been people so wrong on paper that were a great match for time. But the problem comes down to the illogicality of the heart and how it makes me retarded. So wouldnt it just be best if someone that knows me entirely just choose a man that has the right qualities and would treasure me? It makes sense. I understand why some cultures practice arranged marriage. I think it is touching.

Do you believe in unicorns?

Margin of Error

"You find the magic of the world in the margin of error"

So perhaps I heard this on a tv show but I am okay with that. It just really rang true so the source is mostly irrelevant. It is when something unexpected happens, something you think is impossible or at least improbable, that you find the magic in it all. It is the unexplained and unexpected that creates the beauty. I think thats what I miss. I suppose that makes it easy though because I recognize that and know its what I am looking for. It is when people surprise us and someone fit perfectly when they shouldnt that we can find what we need. I think the margin of error is overlooked. We spend so much time scrutinizing what we expect and what should happen that we glance over the small yet beautiful things that are really just happening from error.

Reverie

They say the wind is everyone you've ever loved grazing their lips on your cheek.

Sometimes that seems to be a chilling feeling and other times it's comforting. Somehow tonight as my hair blows gently across my face it is both. It takes at least four times as long to get home this way but there is something about being outside and the independence of the journey that is comforting.

Things have been different for me lately. I don't know if there is a reason or not but I think it may be referred to as growing up. I have been appreciating what I have and what matters more than usual. I treasure family like nothing else and have been taking time to just be outside and to breathe in the air. I have been appreciating the health I have as I realize that it could be so much worse and I have started taking responsibility for it all, for everything. I suppose I have just finally come to a point where I recognize where I am at and I am accepting it and trying to make the most of it. Perhaps this is me learning to live now and not in either past or future. And maybe it is less philosophical and nothing.

All I know is that I have stopped feeling like I need someone and can't handle life. I have stopped wanting someone for the sake of them being there and started to remember what matters in someone to share part or lots of your life with. I am reminiscent of people that have changed my life and I feel encouraged knowing that I have met people like that before. I suppose I just feel really grateful because of I didn't I would get bogged down in the self anguish I create in recognizing failures. I am learning to love myself.

You move me like I've never been moved before.

I'm Tired In This Every Moment

Lyrics really can express things better than I can. I dont know why I bother thinking of my own words most of the time. Regardless, I have been really tired. When I say tired I mean I am tired enough to go to bed before 7 each night. Although I do make myself wait til at least 9 because prior to that seems excessive I just am really tired. Even if the clock would account for me lying in that giraffe spread bed for 9 hours it really means nothing it seems. Its not really something you can explain to someone and have them understand.

The thing is I am not overdoing it. My days arent overly stressful right now. And the hours I have free are full of things I like, such as organizing, watching something, reading, running or in the kitchen. So it isnt like things are that rough. I just am really tired with no outward reason. I suppose that is a downside of the appearance of chronic fatigue. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I dont one hundred percent have it, but I can guarantee that it is related to the plaguing health issues I cannot resolve. It is always interlocked. The pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I am not writing this to whinge. I really am not  but this is kinda my blog and therefore I can say what I am thinking. And I thinking that being exhausted constantly is annoying. I also think that spending my asleep hours dreaming of almost dying on a frequent basis is not helping the situation.

I could have it so much worse. And I accept the place I am at and that there is no easy solution. I just am tired. I just need to find enough energy to inspire my class tonight, although if I dont, my new playlist for our first class back of the year should do it. Thank goodness for Bon Iver, Jamestown Story and Lights.

My Possible Domestication

I realized today that I may not be as typical as I thought. We were sitting around a table in a clinic in a hospital. It was asked why we chose this as our career path. My answer was simple, I had wanted to be a doctor but I decided that having a family was more important and I didnt want to just be starting my career at 30 when I could be having kids. So I chose a more family friendly career. My response was unique to say the least.

I then thought about it. I dont care what other people say. I am at a point where I am ready to get married and be on that path. I like baking and cooking and trying new recipes. I know how to use a sewing machine and how to hem and I have learned to knit and cross stitch several times before. I am a bit domesticated and I am more than fine with that. I cant help it if I am in the twenty first century and yet dont mind traditional gender roles. I mean amidst it all I am excessively independent and I really am untraditional in most ways so its fine with me if I am good at the homely things.

I dont know why it stood out so much today. Perhaps because I blatantly saw that I really really want to work with kids and to be in the next stage of life. The one where I have a job and am not a student. The one where I have more time to just be rad and to bake ninja cookies. I think I may be domesticated and that that may not be typical anymore.

The Green Goblin's Brother and Scrubs

Dreams are not my thing. I have no qualms in admitting that I am not a fan of sleep. I am not even sure I know what it feels like to be well rested so when I have nights full of dreams it doesnt usually leave me feeling any aspect of thrilled.

The other night it was one of those dreams were we had to piece some puzzle together to try and not have something horrible happen I presume. We were shown a photo and at first we didnt know who it was, then I did. But I couldnt just say who it was like I would be able to when I am awake, I could only describe that he was the green goblin's brother and that it had to do with scrubs med school. I really just was trying to say Dave Franco.

I dont understand why dreams have to be so complicated and stressful. In most dreams I cant even see clearly, its basically like I dream without having my glasses on which equals me seeing little to nothing. So really they are just frustrating. I suppose that the one upside is that they make me realize how much worse life would be if it was anything similar to my dreams. It does make me wonder if everyone has messed up dreams all the time though or if it just goes along with my lack of ability to sleep.

Probably Part of Picture Bigger Than My Blind Eyes Can See

I sometimes forget that there is a bigger picture. I really should always remember it because as I noticed today, even with my excessively thick glasses the words in front of me can still be fuzzy. I think thats sometimes how I go through life. Not realizing that things could be clearer I just cant see that right now.

I keep getting glimpses of that picture though. This week I got a series of emails. I was confused at first why I was sent several instead of one. But it didnt matter. Each one contained a photo of someone special. My sister and her bf, one of my other sister at halloween, one of the girls, one of grandma and one of my beloved black sister with extensions. Somewhere in those smiles I remembered that at the end of the day they are what matter. It isnt about the petty things that happen daily its about the people that are always there and the ones you would do anything for. I wont lie, sometimes I really miss home.

But then I got another completely different look. Today I ran into someone I really hadnt seen in a year. Which makes it seem like I have been here a really long time. But I thought back to last year when he was so kind and I just wasnt even interested in dating. I was so caught up in the past and an american that I just wasnt living my life here. And as we caught up today I realized how much I have grown in the last year. I have a life here now, and I like it. I have started building up a network of people in my life in all different areas. I have routines and I like how set things are. So as we chatted I became aware of how grateful I am that in only a year I have made a home and no longer feel like I have missed out on something left behind. I wonder if I ever really felt like Utah was my home, I dont think I did. I miss it now, a lot some days, but I have actually grown enough to settle down and live now instead of always waiting until something becomes more permanent.

My eyesight is still poor, and I cant really piece together the future beyond the next 11 months that seem so rigidly set in stone. But I feel a sense of peace and excitement as I recognize that the bigger picture is holding something great because I have the things that matter most already.

It's the Strong Vs the Weak With a Chance They Both Might Break

It feels like that constantly without the realization of breaking. Life generally seems like we are working to become strong or fighting for something knowing we are the underdog. And then there is the odd chance when we are the one with the upper hand expected to walk away with the winnings. Yet do we actually realize that regardless of our position when its a versus situation both parties may lose. It isnt an exclusive thing, life doesnt always have clear winners and losers.

I often forget that I cant do everything alone. And when I get into those situations I find that I change the versus internally and still have that battle as I struggle to accept strengths and focus on weaknesses. I think that when we are aware that pitting ourselves against anything we are just setting ourselves up for the chance to break we have to be careful. I am not saying we shouldnt challenge ourselves and others, I just feel like its more beneficial to be on the same team than to put everyone at a risk of breaking.

I could stand to be more of a team player. I wouldnt say I look out exclusively for me, I just dont usually gravitate to group things, I prefer to just be on my own as I know that if there is failure it doesnt hurt someone else. Perhaps the whole thought behind this is that the strong and the weak should just come together in a synergetic type of way and then the both breaking thing wont be an issue. We are all strong yet full of weaknesses but we dont have to choose to break.

I need to be less hard on myself.

Floodiversary

Let me tell you a story children. A story of a time that seems so long ago.

Once upon a time I moved to another land. I settled in and began to build a life there. It tended to rain a lot but it was a nice relief from the heat so it was a joy. After a few weeks water began to pool on the street. It was nothing significant usually. Most mornings it was ankle height. 

But as the rain came and time passed the water reached a bit higher. But I wasnt concerned, so I took a photo as I walked through the water on my to school and thought nothing more of it.

Until the next day. It was a Tuesday and we were at uni. All of a sudden we were being given announcements of flooding. Many suburbs and roads were beginning to flood. We kept learning though, and began reassuring our peers. It didnt seem real and I was not worried. Eventually the mood became heightened and we were sent home and we would be notified when classes resumed. I began to make a plan, I would go to the store and pick up some groceries and spend these days off snacking and watching movies. So I went to the store. By the time I got to my street I realized it was filling up with water. And it was bin day so the bins began to float away. However, I was still calm and trudged on, I mean in.

But as I kept walking the water began to rise much higher than expected. It was now above my waist and I had several houses to walk with no other option. So I continued on with hopes that nothing dangerous was in the water with me.

As I got home I turned around and realized the water was halfway up the driveway, but it was a solid steep driveway and I had a two story house. So I went in and made pasta and started facebooking.

This is when things start getting blurry. I remember sitting and being calm. Then hearing from my housemate that our home was flooding. I didnt comprehend what that meant. I knew to take valuables. So I began to pack all of the things I would need. My textbooks, my black pearls, my photos, pajamas and an outfit or two. Not much. I then made a few frantic calls as I was getting nervous. A girl from uni that lived up the road offered to come and help. By this point the water was head height and further up the driveway. But I was sensible and put on my swimsuit and had my umbrella.

My housemates came home. We moved as much furniture and belongings upstairs and to the highest peaks possible. We each grabbed a few bags. I took two backpacks. It was all I could really carry over my head and I planned on coming right back. I didnt think it would mean losing a home. So off we went. Through the hole in the fence, across the neighbours driveway and through an abandoned chicken coop up the hill to the street behind us. A dear friend picked me up and handed me several towels before letting me in the car. And then I was homeless.

After two days of watching it on TV I realized I had barely any clothes and no home. The tide was peaking and I started to realize that floods were a bit sucky. So the boys that had given me a roof over my head went to my home and collected some belongings. It really was not a safe or healthy idea and I am still shocked they did it. They had to swim through a back yard, over a fence and into the second story of my house where they then grabbed a suitcase of clothes for me.

The sun came out but the waters stayed. I went back to check and more of the street was flooded than I could have imagined. I couldnt even get close to my street.

A friend of my housemate came around and checked on the place. It really wouldnt look so bad if you didnt realize that was the second story balcony that the water had surpassed. Our beloved home was now full of dirty flood mud and water. 

 It didnt hit until I was back in the house cleaning it out that I wouldnt be living there again. I really thought the flood would come and go and life would be back to normal. It wasnt. We used a boat to get things across the road since our street was still flooded and spent a lot of time hosing down belongings. 

And then we were for real homeless it seemed. It was on to friends places until a new place could be secured. We were blessed to have so many people take us in and to love us.

So kids, when you find water outside your home above your knees or waist, it probably is best to pack the things you really need, not textbooks, and to get off of facebook. Time is precious and natural disasters are rampant and affect many lives. Floods happen, and so do floodiversaries. So take time to reminisce and be grateful and to laugh about things like losing shoes in flood mud in chicken coops while being homeless. 

Today it didnt rain.