May Or May Not

It is like I am watching a movie. It is a movie with exceptional music, really, the soundtrack is stunning. Which is necessary as the actual scenes and pictures are disjointed, the emotion scewed, the plot may not even exist. And this movie finds a way to play whenever my eyes close and I allow myself to think. The thing is, this movie is just disjointed parts of my past throwing together moments and memories and experiences and wondering if I missed something. If something more is there. Or if I am just taking qualities and noticing they check the right boxes and then trying to create a movie ending that results in something more. I dont know. I often wonder how much of my memory is correct and how much I have re-imagined in some new light.

I know that the sidewalk by the duck pond where I sat during probably the hardest moments of my life was real. I know that who I called then was real. I dont know if there was anything more ever though.

I think I am one of those people that has a hard time letting go. Actually I know that. I try and salvage everything. Not in a hoarding way. But in a "I dont want to lose someone" way. If that makes any sense. I dont even know really what is reality in this and what is in my head and what is me wanting something. It is just blurred in a fashion that makes it all seem partially real and partially unattainable. This may or may not be me wondering if I am just holding onto something that wasnt in the past or if it is something that is potential in the future.