The Art of Dreaming

To me dreams are a form of science. Its neurons firing, or misfiring and the brain trying to make sense of those messages being fired, therefore putting them into a story. And voila, we have a dream. Although I feel like I grasp this concept and understand how dreams occur it does not change my opinion. I do not like dreaming. I do not like waking up in the morning wishing some crazy love story dream was real. But more than that, I hate the ever haunting nightmares that leave me waking up with tears streaming down my face. So as much I know that people find beauty in dreams, and think they have relevance to life or meanings, well I just dont feel the same. I would rather feel the numbness waking up after a sleep induced by medicine than wake up feeling exhausted from a night or restlessness and feeling haunted. Maybe its time for me to realize that moving just changes your location, and really, the slate is not as clean as it appears.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I actually feel like that describes my life a little in some ways. I let my imagination take hold of ideas and run vampant. Its like I cant help it. I get an idea and then I just think of how amazing it could be and it just keeps going and going. And the more I think about it the more excited I get for this idea and I start planning every second out in my mind. And then at some point I realize it was just a fantasy, just me wishing something would happen. And all at once its like someone lifts the curtain and I realize it was all just a show, a facade, and nothing was real. And yet I dont regret allowing my fantasies to grow because sometimes they provide hope or comfort or just something to look forward too. And every so often they come true.

I felt like I should bang my head against the mirror tonight as I realized my latest was so beautiful but twisted. And as I listened to this album I realized it was pretty much entitled for these moments in my life. If it was real it would be beautiful, we would be beautiful, but every single thing about it seems so messed up and twisted and impossible and the bleakness that is reality surrounding it is so dark, and that changes nothing. After I hit post its not like I will suddenly wake up from this fantasy and forget that I ever imagined it. I will continue sitting here trying to occupy my mind but really I will just be thinking of the possibilities and how to make it real. Thats just how it works with me. This time I have decided to just let it happen, dreams and fantasies are just another part of embracing life and so if it means I get my hopes up a little too high and one day it comes crashing down, thats okay, because at least I know its just a fantasy, but its my beautiful dark twisted fantasy, and today I love it.

Three Words

Often you think of those three simple words as "I Love You". Definately not where this post is going. So get your mind out of the love sick gutter that so easily drowns people.

I was thinking along the lines of "i miss you". A phrase so common and yet I think it means a lot. I can think of times when I have said it to people I would not see for an extended period of time, but really I didnt mean it. It was more like a "I am being polite so I am saying I will miss you, or I have missed you, or any variation of such, but reality is I do not care about your life" and there are the people who you say it to because they said it first. Those are not real. They are just the natural instincts of people trying to save face and to appear to be so kind and caring.

But sometimes you say it and it means more than anything else could. I was rereading my journal from the morning I left Calgary and how much I missed my sister. Saying goodbye to her and telling her how much I was going to miss her was heart breaking. And those three tearful words meant everything.

And then sometimes it is said and it catches you off guard. Maybe because you didnt think they would miss you, or maybe because you didnt want to admit that you missed them. But those surprises are the best. It is like putting on pajamas fresh out of the dryer when they are all warm and perfect.

Since I know you occasionally find yourself reading this, or at least say you do in order to leave me flustered, I figured I would let you know that I really do miss you.

What Really is Reality?

I think reality is something to ponder, and not just because of the recent movie Inception, which did make me ponder it and the effects of dreams.

Sometimes I just wonder what makes things seem real to us. What gives us that distinction between imagination, dreaming and reality? And how do we lose sight of what is real when we know its real?

I spent yesterday with kangaroos and koalas and it was epic and beautiful and I look at the photos and it feels surreal. The fact that I live in Australia doesnt seem real. And when I talk to people back home or think about life back home it seems like a dream sometimes. Its like I expect to wake up in the morning and be back in the Ikea house in Provo or back home. And yet I wake up each day and live life here.

And then there are the things I wish were real, and sometimes I think I wish so hard that I almost believe they are real. Like unicorns. Or like seeing someone from home. I feel like if I want it enough or wish enough and let my imagination run vampant it will happen. But thats not reality.

So I think its easy for me to lose sight of reality. And I think that is a beautiful thought sometimes. The ability to embrace life but to not lose your imagination creates excitement and joy. So I guess even though sometimes I cant believe things have happened to me, that clearly have, its nice to be able to let go and to move on but embrace the future and the memories of the past.

Maybe reality is what we chose to believe and take with us. I think we each have our own reality and its not something fixed, its ever changing.

Words.

"Make everyday worth it while you're over there."

They are just words. Words strung together to make a sentence. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mean we each do it a few gazillion times a day. But yah, thanks. Sometimes your words are put together to say exactly what I need to hear. And everytime it surprises me. Perhaps you do know me better than I thought.

Regardless, I think sometimes we need to put more thought into the words we choose, instead of just throwing them out there for the sake of speaking. Yah, I like talking, and most people know that, but perhaps it would be a little better if I stopped once and awhile and carefully thought about each word and made them count a little more. Everyday should be spent bettering yourself and the world around you so its just another thing to consider.

All I really know is that when you say just the right thing it changes everything for someone else.

Vanquishing Homesickness

I expected to move here and be super homesick. I mean I left with a lot of tearful goodbyes and I was moving kinda far. But then I got here and life just went. I didnt feel huge pangs of loneliness, I wasnt crying myself to sleep, life just continued.

Then today it hit. Maybe because the novelty was wearing off, maybe because I had a job interview making it all more real. Maybe because it was American Thanksgiving, a day for families. I dont know. All I know is it all became more real today.

I got to skype with my mum, which was definately needed but I guess it just was a harder day than most. But then I guess someone was looking out for me.

I got a phone call asking about my evening plans, well of course I didnt have any. She would have known if I did. So she told me we were going to hang out with the boys. I was like sure. Then she asked more about my day and stuff and mentioned she read my blog. I didnt think anything of it, until she said no one should be alone when they are homesick. So she arranged for a get together tonight, for me. I guess maybe nothing like this has ever happened for me. And especially not with someone I just met 2 days ago. So if you end up reading this, thanks, you are like a guardian angel. I just hope one day I can make you feel a fraction of the joy you brought to my tears tonight.

ps thank you. I almost cried when I got home because I felt so lucky to have met you guys.

The Second Annual Travis Turkey Trot

Last American Thanksgiving I found myself stuck in the states. A place most Canadians would love to be on that weekend, however, I just wanted to be home. With exams and expensive flights it just didnt pan out.

So Thanksgiving morning I went for a Turkey Trot with my friend Travis. Now let me preface this with saying Travis would run 5Ks etc all the time and he would win them. So my level or running and his are not even like in the same book. Yet I was dumb enough to be like "yah, this will be such a great way to start the day". So we ran, and I thought I was going to die. I did, however, make a mental note not to run with Travis anymore, and well, running before 2 freaking massive dinners was a good idea.

So today in Australia it would be American Thanksgiving. And instead of being with my family, or sitting through 2 dinners at a dear friends grandparents homes, I find myself alone. It gave me my first tinge or homesickness. So I went for a run, in memory of the Turkey Trot with Travis. That way at least something feels like how it should today.

Happy American Thanksgiving Day, I wish I was there.

ps I am grateful for the technology that keeps my family feeling close on the days when I realize they are literally across the world.

A Pet Jellyfish.

I think I would like a pet jellyfish. One to just sit in a fishbowl on my desk.

Sometimes my life feels surreal. Its like I am living in a dream, and I dont know what to make of it. I have been here for a whole week already, its crazy. Yesterday some of my friends ate Kangaroo, which is super wierd, but to think that I am in a place where people eat kangaroos just blows my mind.

I wish it felt more real. It just seems normal though, as if this is what I had always planned would happen. I went to Harry Potter last night, and it was so incredible, I mean I love Harry Potter. But to just go to the movies with some friends is like what I would do anywhere else. I guess I am really glad I dont cry myself to sleep everynight aching to be home, but in some ways I just want this to feel real, to feel like its actually my life.

I suppose having a pet jellyfish would not accomplish that at all, but still, it would be nice.

Typical

Typical me. I think I already have a crush.

04 uhm.. uhh..

Its hard to memorize a new phone number . Not because its new, well sorta, but mostly because it doesnt even have the same amount of numbers and they are separated all funny. So I had not tried. No one knows me here really, so its not like I am constantly asked for a number. The few times it has happened I just looked it up. Simple really.

I had made 2 darling new friends yesterday and tonight they picked me up. We were mingling with some other people later in the evening and lo and behold it came out that I wanted to go to the beach. The next thing I knew my number was being repeated, loudly, across the room. Wait what? Cid decided I would go to the beach with the boys tomorrow so she was making sure all of the boys had my number so they could come get me. I am overly shy for the most part and would never have had the courage to ask this attractive boy to take me to the beach with his friends, I didnt even know his name.

So now who knows how many people have my number, I would guess at least 4 in that room took note of it. I think this will be my new way to make friends, I will just wait for Cid to share my number with people while I awkwardly attempt to remember what my number is, it seemed to work this time. So thanks dear. Oh and apparently some boy has my address and will get me before noon tomorrow. That was easy.

Stereotyping

Sure, I have strong opinions and I voice them. Sometimes that means stereotyping. Ask any of my American friends, especially after I first moved there, I grouped all Americans into a group labelled "ignorant idiots". Let me clarify, I love the Americans though. My 4 years there changed everything and I am a much better person because of their influence. So the point is, stereotypes are ridiculous. I mean sometimes they seem to work. I have yet to meet an asian who drives well, and most americans are ignorant, but that doesnt mean there are not some asians who drive better than me, and I did meet some americans who actually knew tons about everything and were open minded.

And now that I think about it, besides the general Canadian stereoptypes that were my life for a few years I have never really been lumped into any sort of sterotype. But I think I was sorta lumped into one the other day.

"Healthy Freak"

I am pretty sure thats the only way to describe it. I was out walking with some speech path girls and they knew I was currently living a vegetarian lifestyle (since we had just had lunch they knew) and we got talking about work. I mentioned how I really wanted to teach yoga since I am certified. They were surprised. It then came up that my background was a bachelors in Exercise Science, and you could tell they were already starting to form some opinions. Then we walked past the pool and got talking about swimming. The one girl, bless her heart, doesnt really know how to swim so I offered to teach her, mentioning my extensive history with lifeguarding and teaching swimming. A little bit later we talked about sports or something and it came out that I was starting training again for my second half marathon. I was then informed that I am super healthy and crazy.

Perhaps with that information it seems that way. Maybe in some ways I have tendencies that steer me towards health but then again all I want right now is a chocolate bar. So as much as I might even want to be lumped into that group its not true. I love eating chips and chocolate bars and just watching tv. So I think I have a well rounded lifestyle, not a healthy freak one.So I think since I am starting fresh here I am going to avoid stereotyping people and actually just try and get to know them. It seems like a good idea on paper.

Apple Life

Apple products are taking over the world.

I rewarded myself with a 30gb Ipod when I was 18. It was a gift for my hardwork in preparing for my grade 8 royal conservatory piano exam. I loved that Ipod. Since then it has been through many difficult and trying situations, leaving it, well, nearly dead in every way. But Spartacus and I have many fond memories together.

A Christmas or two later I got an Ipod shuffle for Christmas. Due to my uncanny ability to destroy precious things it found its way into the washing machine a few weeks later. It was tragic. Another year or so later I found myself on the recieving end of a new shuffle during a white elephant game as my little sister knew what had happened to my shuffle and she felt so awful about it. Beatrice, my new shuffle, loves long runs.

Onto the graduation of university. My first laptop was a toshiba PC. And I loved it. Until it sucked. Part of that is my fault since I dropped it a few times as I epically fell while walking, or because I expected it to work miracles that it could not do. When this laptop surpassed its last limb and was dead more than it was functioning I knew I only had one choice. A Macbook Pro. Justin and I grew close very quickly, and spend too many hours together daily.

Fortunately, when you are a student buying a macbook in just the right months you find yourself recieving an Itouch. So there it was, my Itouch joined my ever increasing mac family. Since the arrival of this Itouch came as I was finally about to beat Pokemon Blue on my Gameboy Colour, he was named Charzard, and has lived up to that name.

Upon my arrival in Australia I knew a phone would be essential. I planned on yet another crap phone for when I needed to get into contact with someone. Except I actually wanted a decent phone for once. I was hoping for a blackberry. Then it turned out those are ultra pricey here, but I was informed that I could get an Iphone 4 for no money down, 60 a month, with unlimited international texting and tons of data and calls. So, surprisingly enough, I ended up with an Iphone. Coraline is the newest member to my Mac family and is so happy to be a part of it.

So, as you can now see, Apple products are worming their way into my life and slowly taking over the world. At least I am naming them, and making them human like, ergo making their world domination more plausible.

Canadian life in Brisbane

It feels like I am in Canada.

Perhaps because two nights ago I had dinner with 12 other Canadians.

Perhaps because yesterday I had 2 orientations, lunch and a tour with fellow Canadians.

And perhaps because today I went to the market and the mall, taking 2 buses and the city cat with another Canadian.

I suppose when most of your time is spent with people from Canada, well, it just doesnt seem like you have left. You forget that everyone else has an accent, and that you are somewhere tropical and that its foreign.

I think this has stopped me from feeling the unbearable pains of homesickness.

So I am grateful for the taste of Canada that has been ever so present in my life the last 3 days.

Its Different Here.

It freaks me out that they drive on the other side. So when I cross the road I look both ways like 3 times since I can never figure out which way the cars will come from.

They walk on the opposite side of the sidewalk too, and when all you do is walk, well its wierd.

And everyone has an accent, I wonder if they all think I have an accent.

And its like a tropical forest when I walk through campus.

So far thats it. But it was only a few hours. Its not that different. I mean they still speak english. Oh but there are a million asians here. Which reminds me of working at Cardel.

Change (Day One)

I believe that humans were made to resist change. We like things to stay the same, because we understand that. We resist it when things shift because it is forcing us into an unknown. If change is inevitable than we do anything in our power to keep things the same. Today was a day of change. And looking back on the last few hours I can see my innate desire to resist these changes.

In the airport I watched Paper Heart and Coraline. Two of my favourite movies. And I did this to give me a feeling of home, something familiar. Then when I got to my house I just wanted a shower with familiar shampoo and clothes that reminded me of home. On campus I listened to Taylor Swift and the first thing I bought here was a Boost drink- yes, it is the same as booster juice! In fact, some of the names are even the same. That was like drinking home. I watched Gossip Girl to ground me and then ate Subway for dinner. I know, it seems like I am doing the same things I would do if I had not left, but heres the thing, I am just trying to cope with the changes.

Today I moved literally to the other side of the world. I was dropped off at a house where I knew no one. I moved into this random house, and it is amazing. I fumbled my way to campus and found the bank, set a few things up there, talked to someone about getting a phone and am now waiting for them to get the one I want in and then wandered campus. I found the building where my classes are, twice, which will be beneficial and I didnt get lost really finding my house.

So as much as I am resisting change, I am embracing it. Welcome to my future in Australia.

Tuesday Never Happened

I literally never had a Tuesday. I fell asleep on the plane and it was Monday night. I woke up just before 3am Wednesday. No I did not sleep through all of Tuesday. I just crossed over 20 hours so suddenly Tuesday didnt happen. So then it was Wednesday.
Wednesday meant it was real. I actually moved to Brisbane. So here I am. Sitting in my house, which is gorgeous, and chatting on fb. It does not even seem real. I went to the campus and its like a tropical rainforest. Mixed in with like a flair of mexico or california. Everything is outdoors. So not like Canada or Utah. And then they have people selling things between buildings. Its so lovely. I think I will love this place. But for today it seems like a dream.

Sometimes Random Roommate equals Soulmate

http://kaitlinrosegraff.blogspot.com/2010/11/turk-and-jb-bid-farewell.html

So I read this in the airport. Before flight 2. And I cried. Kaitlin changed my life, and was there for me in the worst times. Times when no one knew how dark things were, and before I even knew. She was there this summer when I broke and has been there for every happy moment too. 3.5 years and still going strong. I love you Kaity.

ps I will do a better ode to our love when I am not crying in an airport.
pps I am shaking I am so nervous right now.

Last Day

Tomorrow I fly to Utah.
Monday I fly to Australia.
I guess its real.
I am moving across the world, alone.
Now that I sit here with my suitcases packed, and just a few things on the floor its hitting me.
I am terrified.
What was I thinking?
I just wanted something to do with my life.
I didnt want to work yet.
So here I am.
About to move across the world.
To a place that apparently has large spiders.
I am terrified of spiders.
I just hope its lovely there.
It will be lovely there, it has to be.
I am freaking out.
Why didnt someone say "Lauren what the *@&# are you thinking? Moving across the world alone is scary and you have no idea what you are doing and its costing you more money that you had ever imagined"
But no one said that.
So I am doing it.
I will blog lots.
And cry lots too probably.
But today is my last day here, and I look beautiful.
So its time for some last minute loving.

xo. Next post will be from my new home.

Goblin Babies.

I didnt see them at first, they were so perfectly set in the crib. Then it was pointed out. You actually have Goblin Babies in your crib. Only during the day it seems, or when you are home. Which makes sense, its just good parenting. I mean, we cant just leave goblin babies out on the lawn in a crib when its dark out. That would be ridiculous. Overall, I love your goblin babies, and I perhaps lust after them a little because they are so glorious. And Goblin Babies are wierd, sure, but I think that expressing those weird inner thoughts just shows personality or insanity. Regardless, I love those goblin babies on your lawn.

Fourteen.

Fourteen Days is equal to two weeks.
Which is equal to my time left in Calgary.
I dont know where the days all went.
I clearly remember that moment in the hotel room in Butte when I opened the email that changed my future.
It was conditional acceptance.
I cried.
But it was surreal.
Just something that was now an option, nothing official.
And now its only fourteen days til I hop a plane.
It is real.
I am such a short step away from moving to Australia.
I want to make the most of each day here.
And not because its goodbye, its not.
Its more a Dasvedanya situation again.
Just waiting til we meet again.
Yes, each day needs to be productive and beautiful.
I love Canada, and am scared to leave it.
But I am initially leaving it for Utah, which is pure love.
So I guess there is no room for tears.
An email changed my life.
My life is beautiful.

XO.

I love how you love Gossip Girl too. You are the best. I am glad you were magically in town this weekend and we could have booster juice date night, even though booster juice was closed. gah, catching up was so great. Which has led me to even more thinking than before. You are so insightful, and encouraging. Maybe I will go for it. Maybe I will say something. I hope you can come visit me in Australia. That would be amazing. Oh and I adore you. Too bad you have been living in Van. Oh well. I am so happy you were in town and that tonight was so perfect.xo.

Inspiration or was it Perspiration

One: How many people does it take to make a difference?

I read that title on your coffee table one day and wanted it instantly, yet its been hard to come by. But it has crossed my mind several times over the months. It really does just take one person to make a difference, and yet that change has to begin with ourselves.

This week I found myself re-inspired. I have nothing stopping me anymore, no more lame excuses or things to fall back on that can be blamed for stunted progress. It is time to move on. And I feel so ready to begin that change within myself.

Today I started training for another half marathon. Day one. I ran 2.5 miles. I was actually satisfied, its been 4 months since my first half and it killed me, nearly. Physically I am finally at a place where I can train again and emotionally I feel more stable. So the training begins. I leave in 5 weeks so I would like to be in a solid routine by then. I am planning on doing yoga on my off days to cross train. This will be epic.

Along with the physical renewal I am ready to take control of my life. I move to Australia in 5 weeks. I should be living there for the next two and a half years. So its time to plan a life there. I started touching up my resume and working on a cover letter today. I also am going to get back on top of practicing teaching yoga so I will be more prepared. Yesterday I had a business dinner about finances. Yes, I am ready to take control of my life.

Please feel welcome to join me in the self search for the best me, because I am ready to be that person, and to make a difference in someones life. xo.

The Letter M.

I have resorted to blaming things out of my control on the letter M. It is all much more logical in my head. However, if you want me to visit, then ask me. You know I would be much more inclined to try and make that happen if you asked. Instead, you have resorted to asking other people to tell me to come, or telling me other reasons to come. Do you feel like if you say it, then its admitting that there is something there? Its okay, I mean we both know I am leaving so we cant get attached. Just say it. Secondly, you are such a dork. Maybe I will show up at your parents for dinner, haha, that would be ridiculous. We will go get your ladder instead. But really, bets? Come on, we should just talk about it. So because I find that most of my mass confusion is a result of the lack of open communication about emotionally related things involving people that have names that start with M, I think I will blame M.

A Life Lived to Its Fullest

You are an inspiration. You achieved what most people could only dream of. You battled cancer 4 times and never gave up hope. You always put your faith in God first and never looked back. You and your beautiful wife are a constant reminder of true love. And you have left a legacy, one that will be hard to come close to.

In loving memory, Timothy Lance Harriman. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, to live with more courage, to face my fears and to never let my faith in God falter. You will be missed by so many, but know that you truly changed thousands of lives.

Hundreds of days to a conclusion I knew from the start.

Nearly a year and a half. Filled with letters I would never send. Boys I would just compare to you. Moving away thinking it would resolve everything. And yet here I am. Almost where I was before, except in such a different place. I have changed in most ways. I met you and was so insecure and lost and just trying to find something to grasp onto to find an identity. And now I know exactly what I want for a future, I have direction, I understand my own religion better and I have a greater appreciation for life. I also learned what it means to truly be there for someone, and have someone there for me even in the most inopportune times. I thought that first time we talked I knew, and now I know I was so wrong then. You invade my dreams, and my workplace and my mind. And I cant help but fall for you a little more everyday. I spent that year and a half telling myself to get over you, and that I was over you, and that I would be over you for good. I was wrong. I currently cant imagine being over you, ever. I cant help but to think if there was not that one difference that things would be so different right now. You say the right person comes at the right time. I think i disagree. Love is so inopportune. Perhaps I do love you. Regardless, I am a better person for knowing you, and I will always be grateful for that.

ps too bad you dont read my blog.

Ineffable

I finally found a way to describe it all. Ineffable. There is no real way to put it in words. I am trying to, because I see how it tears you up when you dont, but there is not way to make you see how I feel or to make it go away. I cried through dinner last night. Not because the food sucked or anything, it was actually an enjoyable vietnamese meal. But because life is so hard, and everything here reminds me of that. Everytime I see your faces I am reminded a little bit of how we are broken. And now little things keep reminding me that you died Heather, its real, you are gone. And now Tim is gone and Christa is alone. I cant imagine being a widow. And its all real. And it hurts so freaking bad sometimes. I kept telling myself Heather was still here, but shes not. And I didnt want to believe cancer won and now someone else is feeling loss, so until I asked for work off for the funeral and read the obituary it didnt seem real. And until I realized that you were never coming back and I have to learn to rebuild my life and to try and mend myself it didnt seem real either.

So its ineffable. I cant explain to you why somedays I feel overwhelemed with sadness. Why sometimes its hard to see past the pain. It doesnt make sense. I cant understand why two beautiful people in their early twenties are gone. I dont understand how you can stop loving someone. I dont understand the bigger picture.

I have faith. I know things will get better, and some days they are beautiful. But being here is a constant reminder of the pain. Of the loss. Of the brokenness that has become a part of me. So I am sorry. I am sorry I cant be stronger for other people. I am sorry I sometimes dont call or remind you that I love you all. But I cant explain to you what is going on. I cant put words to the hollow feeling that haunts me sometimes. I cant express to you how I see the happiness and the progress I am making and the future I am building while at the same time feeling like their is little hope and that I will never heal.

The emotions I feel and the brain process and illogicality of it all is not something I can explain. I just need more time. I need to start letting myself heal. And being here feels like I am letting the wounds just be tugged at so they wont heal. I dont expect you to understand, because I dont. And I dont expect it to go away, because now I know it wont. But it wont define me forever. It just will a little bit today. So next time when you realize you are not okay, dont feel pressured to explain it, sometimes feelings and brokenness are just ineffable. And I accept that. And its okay. Everything will be okay.

Sunday Routine.

You get home from your visit at 730.

We put in Peter Pan.

You get us 2 bananas.

We get my dinosaur blanket.

And we lay on mums bed and watch the first hour.

Then mum notices I have kept you up too late again and she puts you to bed.

We love Sunday nights.

Over Vietnamese I made the Bet to end all Bets

It was just a lovely lunch. Catching up. Candid conversation. Everything you could ask for in a perfect lunch. And then it happened. You said you wanted to make a bet. I thought it was a joke, but you were persistant and then chose what you wanted.

If I lose, I have to fly you to Australia to see me.

If I win, you have to fly me to Europe so I can backpack after I graduate.

I hope you dont cry when you have to pay for my flight. There is no way I am losing this one.

A,B,C,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z

Sometimes things are missing in life. Today it was all of the charts between C and T. Which has left me so overly confused about how awkward the filing is in that office. C'est la vie.

But as most things, I feel like there is more to it. This doesnt just have to be about the mess of an office with major components of the alphabet just entirely missing I feel like it can be about my life. Sometimes I feel like things are so complete, but to the outside eye the view is so different. There are always gaps in our lives that seem so blatantly obvious to others but are residing entirely in our blindspot. I think I can see a lot of room for self improvement. So I am trying to take that perspective of an awkward outsider so I can see those wholes screaming for reasoning and longing to be filled.

I suppose these two months of transition are going to provide a lot of enlightening opportunities. Even through I was not really planning on that, but I suppose that is how life works. So I am off to find my missing letters of the alphabet. xo.

I Heard A Rumour About Writing Down Goals for People to See

So I read a lot of random things about goal setting, and becoming your best self, and about changing to become the changes you wish to see in the world. Perhaps this is because I read some yoga literature, perhaps its because I just find people recommend those sorts of books to me, or perhaps its because I like those books most. Regardless, I read them and often feel a huge super strong desire to become better. So here is me taking one little baby step towards becoming my best self.

Goal Setting.

I am becoming committed to this goal so I am writing it down Feel free to remind me of it and threaten to punch me if I am not following through (please do not for real punch me, I am fragile, xo).

Goal. Get in shape, mentally, physically and emotionally, before moving to school.

Completion Date. November 14, 2010 (estimated departure date)

Breaking it down.

• Getting back up to 9 mile runs by running 4 times a week
• Getting back to a regular 6 day a week yoga practice (starting with meditation until I hit 4 weeks post op)
• Cutting out sweets and going more organic, salads, fruits, etc ( we all know I prefer that anyways, its just pure laziness on my part when I falter all the time)
• journal at least 3 times a week for my emotional well-being.

I know these may seem basic to some people, or ridiculous or whatever. But these are those little goals that when I am on top of them I am really truly more happy. And I kinda want to find my best and most content and most peaceful self. So in striving to be my best me I am going to work on these things. And I am so hoping that this blog entry will make me more motivated.

So here goes nothing. Tomorrow is day one of dedicating more time and effort and love to myself. xo

Influence. (How my life has been shaped through music not of my own)

I believe that music is paramountly influential. And because of this belief I would like to record a few artists that have shaped me and the reasons for their beautiful influence.

First off, Jonathan Jones. Not only is he an incredible musician he has also become a dear friend that I love to see. His solo album as well as both of his major bands, Waking Ashland and We Shot The Moon, have been major players in my musical life. I find his soothing voice and the integration of keyboard to be calming and to bring about the same peace they first brought in high school when I fell in love with Waking Ashland. Basically, I love that music and it only holds good memories that expand across many years.

Regina Spektor. This last year I have really gravitated towards her music as I find that her voice really touches me. Also half of her songs make me laugh and the other half seem to evoke emotion. She first came into my musical scene after "Us" was the most perfect song for "500 Days of Summer" to open to. So I love her.

Tegan and Sara. Possibly the artists that have wrote a soundtrack of my life, at least it feels that way. I mean I have been following their music for the last 5 plus years and never been disappointed. Also this year it was my snowboarding music. Sainthood could not have better prepared me for days on the mountain. xo.

Houston Calls. Although with only two albums they broke up I have fallen in love with so many of their songs I really have nothing to complain about. Bob and Bonnie will likely be my wedding song since for me it depicts an ideal relationship. But I think more in general their music is real, it talks about real experiences and I can think of crappy relationships, or good ones, or close friends. It just speaks to me.

Death Cab for Cutie. If there was just one band that I had to choose that has wrote songs about all of my inner most feelings this would be it. Death Cab touches on the things people are often scared to say, or the tragedies that we try to hide from. Thinking about death or falling into a drifting relationship, or settling in marriage are all hard things, but they are so thought out and explored along with so many other topics that Death Cab will always have a piece of my heart.

Dashboard Confessional. Yes I have seen Chris Carrabba play several times and I do love his music but it has been a rough journey for us. I was indifferent, then loved it, then hated it because of an ex then learned to re-love it. So dashboard, your songs are great for mellow days, yoga and sometimes helping me sleep. Thank you.

And Then I Turned Seven. This little known emo band, now known as Jamestown Story, will always be a favourite of mine. Yah, the music is pretty emo, but I love it. I love the outpouring of emotion, the pain, the aching, the tragedy. I personally like to know that someone else has felt as low as I have, that someone else knows what loss, and death and depression can feel like, but that there is hope. I find their music inspiring, always.

Motion City Soundtrack. I dont even know when motion city became such a huge part of my life, but it did. I love them live, I love their cds and I love memories involving them. Warped with Sanchez was ideal and they were my main reason for being there. I mean I just feel inspired and psyched when listening to their songs. And their allusions are fabulous. A band that should not be overlooked, ever.

This post is so not comprehensive, and yet I feel it is complete. Theses artists have literally changed my life with their music. I hope someday I can change someones life like they have changed mine. I have felt love, inspiration, hope, empathy and most other beautiful things through their music. And this is why I love music so much.

A Little Green Eyed Monster

I dont think I ever really have thought of myself as a way jealous person. I mean, perhaps in relationships, but not in general. But then sometimes events happen and I realize I am not the bigger person. Sorry. I am really trying. And usually its not that I want to be in someone elses shoes, I dont, I just wonder why similar situations are not occuring in my life. This year I have had so many loved ones get engaged, get married, get pregnant, have babies, travel, study abroad and do beautiful humanitarian work. And for the most part I was just psyched out of my mind for them. But I will admit, there have been a few moments where its like, shoot, I wish I was in that position.

So today I am making a very conscious effort to be happy with where I am at, and not compare it to where anyone else is. Feeling that little green eyed monster eating away at my soul is most likely not healthy, so this seems like a better approach. So I am content with working and getting to play for 2 months, I am content with at least one roadtrip, and possibly two prospects before I go. I am content with planning a trip to Disneyland with just my sisters and I am content with how well life is healing, physically and emotionally.

In Loving Memory.

Heather Beck.

In the heartache of loss I think its important to remember the beauty of life and the memories you will have forever. We lived so far apart our whole lives but we were cousins, so that meant when we saw each other it was always special.

I am pretty sure my favourite memory with you would have to be when we were down visiting and you had bought a cotton candy machine and would sit at the kitchen table making us cotton candy. It was amazing. And I always remember that you had lemonheads, and since they were american I would only have them when I was at your place. Or when you came up to visit and you loved Metallica so much and would tell me all about them. Or when we picked you up in Utah and we went for dinner. Or just playing at your house when we would come down.

I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we had been closer. But I cant go back and change any of it. I am just glad that we had the chance to reconnect a little before we lost you.

I love you. And your memories will live on.

Those Little, Perfect, Moments

On just the day when life as I knew it seemed to be crumbling into a warped mess I realized what mattered.

David stood for the first time all by himself! And when he realized he could do it he kept trying it.

And Ajulo told me she was so proud of me for finding something, and she brought fruit snacks for me to the game.

And I watched my little sister Kaity at her first high school volleyball game, and Matt even came.

And Meg filled my car with gas cuz she was so happy that I do her homework with her every night for her online class.

And Mum and I went shopping and I could finally wear Lululemon tank tops.

All of these things happened in just one day. So screw mediation and realizing you think your pension is more important than a real relationship with us. You missed all of those little things, and those are the little, perfect, moments that matter most. I would rather be poor forever and not be missing out. And maybe one day I will be brave enough to say that to your face.

True Friends Stab You In the Front - Oscar Wilde

I love Wiki How-To.

Seriously. I read it everytime there is a new one on my igoogle. Which is multiple times a day.

Along with my thought process of secrecy that was mentioned in my earlier post today I think this How-To is an ideal fit. How-to Detox a friendship.

I think so many people get in toxic friendships and are too scared to bail, or fall back into them because they dont want to be alone. There are so many reasons, its the same as staying in a toxic relationship. What an informative How-To. I thoroughly enjoyed it. So if you want some thought provoking reading here is a link.

http://www.wikihow.com/Detox-a-Friendship

I think it is important to recognize when a friendship is weighing you down and bringing grief and stress instead of that calm and peaceful sensation friendships should bring. I am not saying "oh just give up on them and cut all ties" I am just thinking its good to stop and look at where things are at. Its nice to have lots of friends but for me, I like having a few close friends instead of many random acquaintances whom I never talk to.

Friend Inventory.

If its toxic- are you going to say something and try and mend it, or move on? Just be sure of your choice and go with it. If moving on, move on. Delete them on fb and in your phone. Fb friend purging is a favourite of mine. I see no point in having people look at my life when we dont talk in real life. So take a few minutes, do inventory, and mend those failing friendships. Remove animosity. I kinda feel like a hippie in some ways but I really do like just peace.

So thank you to those people that have been willing to stab me in the front and make me a better person. I appreciate all of the times people have helped detox me. And au revoir to those that I have moved on from. I still love you, just from a distance now.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Sophie Kinsella.

What an enjoyable book. I love reading. I really do but I get so caught up in life that I forget to sit and read. So Jenn brought over a HUGE bag full of books and said I had to at least read this one while I was sitting around this week. I picked it up last night and am almost done it. It is the perfect combination of humour, reality and story. I am so intrigued.

It makes me stop and think, okay, most things make me stop and think. Pretty much everything does that to me. Perhaps this is coming from me having a lot of time on my hands for thinking, or because I am trying to really figure out who I am. I dont know. Regardless, Can You Keep A Secret? really has me thinking.

Is it best to keep little secrets? Do you know that you really have met someone you will keep in your life forever when you let those secrets out? What is the value of a secret? Why do we keep secrets? Are people really that afraid of the truth and of letting other people in that we feel we have to hid ourselves?

So as I finished my book I fell for the fairtytale in it, I loved the love, I loved the sharing, I loved the humour. I was captivated. And because of this captivation I began to think of my little secrets, the ones that I have told people. The times secrets have been swapped, like little treasures. And reality shows that those times are the times I built the strongest bonds. When I let people see the real me in every detail I felt closest to them.

So here goes. I am going to share a few small things that will shed light on the inner workings of me. And hopefully it will make you smile or laugh or feel some kind of connection with me as I strive to break the barrier or false impressions and hidden reality in my life.

I am fascinated with love stories because I wonder if anything like that could ever be real.
I have had a spider plant since grade 4 and I am still scared that it attracts spiders.
I dont like dreaming because my dreams often are vivid and stressful.
I am scared to go to a public university.

I know its not much. But I think every little thing you share makes your relationships with people more real. Most secrets are kept out of fear and I dont think fear should rule my life so I think my future will contain less secrets.

With Sharpie Lines and x's Across My Chest I Feel Like A Map

Well here I am. Home. Slightly drugged up. And covered in Sharpie markings. Oh and in pain. But these are all likely outcomes of surgery. So moving on.

The last few days I have felt extra grateful for some specific people. So here is a public thank you.

Thank you Mum for being there the whole time. You have been there for more than I could have even hoped for. In those moments of fear or when I am about to collapse you are so calm and right there, no matter where that is. So thank you. I love you. Even though I know you thought I was perfect without surgery I appreciate your love.

Megs. You hate vomitting and blood and yet I woke up and then you were there. And you brought me a great gossip magazine and my favourite chocolates. I hope you realize how much I love you and I just wish I could do more for you.

Kaity. Sometimes I think you hate watching stupid shows on tv with me, but you always pretend you do because you know I like them So I love you! Plus I swear you have gotten me like 100 cups of water since you dont want me carrying things.


So as I lay here wondering why recovery takes so long I realize that sometimes I forget how blessed I am. Sometimes I get caught up in the sadness and pain of you walking away and I forget that everyone else stayed. And thats what matters most right now. So for those of you who didnt know before, my mum and 2 sisters are my life. And I love them more than anything.

A Haircut to accompany a new life.

A request or two for haircut photos has been made.
consider this your request being processed.
love always.

Dasvedanya

I dont know why but everytime I think of saying goodbye I think of the Russian word Dasvedanya- til we meet again. I read it in some book I think in English class in grade 9. So basically forever ago. And I dont even remember what the book was but I just remember the lady saying Dasvedanya and telling the boy that it was not goodbye, just til they met again. So for the last few years I have found myself in far too many farewell situations and Dasvedanya is always that instinctive thought.

The last few days brought about a whole new breed of farewells, and anyone that knows me really well knows that farewells and I do not mix. I get super emotional and have a hard time actually letting go and saying my well wishes when I know I wont see someone for an extended period of time. I dont know why it is, I just really struggle with it.

But the time finally came where I have graduated from BYU and am moving back to Canada for a little bit. And that meant saying goodbye to the city that has been my home for the last 4 years, saying goodbye to a place full of memories, love and best friends. And once I got back home it hit, I had left it all behind. The tears flowed and I realized it was real, I didnt live there anymore, I didnt go to that school anymore, I was somewhere else.

Dasvedanya is how I have to think of it thought, I will see all of you again. It just might not be right away. If I thought of it as goodbye it would be too hard. I wouldnt have been able to leave. And reality is some goodbyes felt nearly impossible to leave. Some left me out late into the night because I couldnt stand to think I wouldnt see you again. And some left me crying as I read farewell texts full of love.

So Dasvedanya my dear Provo friends. I love you. And miss you already. So, uhm if you want to come visit me in July I will be in Canada for the Stampede.. just an open invitation there.

Dasvedanya - til we meet again.

ps Some goodbyes last week were permanent. You are in a better place now, and I will keep telling myself that until it doesnt hurt. I love you, and you are missed.

A Unicorn Flag

All epic roadtrips and events have a symbol to identify them, something to make them stand out and represent that this event is not average. And well, a Unicorn Flag was exactly such for a quick surf trip to San Diego.

First off, I have a minor obsession with unicorns as of late, so this flag basically warms my soul just by being in my car. So yes, Justin, you are on a flag, and you were the symbol of the most epic and random trip.

To summarize Soph, her bf and Jake and I went to San Diego, spent a morning trying to learn to surf (Jake knew how), oh and we had breakfast at the greatest little shack on the beach, and then it was over a massive and magnificently structured bridge to an island, then to the most friendly families house, for an evening of laughter, crepes and building friendships. That basically was the trip, minus driving, and it was beautiful.

I have a ton of respect for Surfers now, that is for sure. Surfing has always been on my bucket list, and since Australia is fast approaching I felt such a strong urge to at least attempt surfing, which inspired this trip. And well, after my attempts, I have realized surfing is way freaking hard, and I am determined to nail it. As expected.

One last important fact to note is that the drive home literally consisted of at least 5 hours of just talking about Pokemon. It was amazing. And I absolutely loved it. Yes, I am not ashamed that I love playing Pokemon on my gameboy.

So overall, the trip was spontaneous and an adventure and it just reinforced my relationship with soph and jake. Also, I love the unicorn flag and it will actually go up in my Australian place.

"Why Do I even try Parenting You Anymore?"

Yesterday my mother realized the futility of trying to parent me. Perhaps at 22 I have decided to run my own life. I am thinking this is for the best. Although, my dear mother will always have that special place in my life.

I love LOVE

I was thinking about Love, but not love like "I love you, lets get married love", more like love love. And there is so much freaking love in my life. I cannot even believe it. So, to re-emerge back to my blog I want to share some of the beauty of love.

Love is your best friend finding the most beautiful dress for you to wear because you dont feel pretty.

Love is a family that fits you in perfectly, even when you are not actually family.

Love is just looking up at the night sky and realizing how happy clouds and stars make you.

Love is the feeling after a long run.

Love is doing yoga and feeling the peace and beauty it brings.

Love is getting a haircut and realizing hair is just a thing.

Love is abandoning expectations and living now.

Love is everywhere and in everything. And I wish people noticed that more.

I love you.

Perhaps emotions were never meant to be a secret.

I used to resent emotion. I hated that vulnerable feeling. I was actually rather skilled at hiding my emotions. Things were brushed off or ignored instead of dealt with.

I am glad I grew up.

Today I sat and cried with someone I barely knew. And it was amazing. I forgot how crying can clear things up. Although I am still surprised at the amount of tears I found. They lasted for hours. I was so sad and didnt realize it. I think I have been sad for awhile. I guess thats grieving. I am not particularity a fan of grieving actually. Its not really my style. But today I decided not to be sad alone. I sat with a friend while ants attacked me. And then I called my beautiful mother. And partook in the glory of scrubs.

Yes. I am glad I grew up and learned that sharing emotion only makes the healing process so much easier and more bearable. Thank you for noticing when I needed a friend. Even if it made you miss some of church.




ps. Someone shared their secret back with me today. And perhaps to them its not even a secret, maybe its more of a story. Regardless, I think our friendship is growing in an extraordinary way. It makes me smile. I think the best part is that its real.

the only reality is love.

I feel like I heard this from some ridiculous television show. Yes I must have. So it was most likely the bachelorette. Dont judge, I totally just googled it to make sure, it was definately the bachelorette. I remember hearing it and starting a post entitled "the only reality is love" because I think it is beautiful. Also, I just think it is something to consider. I love contemplating love, and its implications and its effects. It is the most heartbreaking thing sometimes, but love really is so gorgeous.

ps I feel like I am like 14 having a crush on a boy. It is ridiculous.

Chakras

So in class we studied Chakras, or energy centres in the body.
I want to clarify one thing first, I am not into the Chakras, they will not be a part of my practice and I will not likely ever mention them when I teach yoga. However, they are a part of yoga so I am informed.

However, we did a few quizzes etc and apparently I have too much energy focused on my 4th Chakra, that part that stands out about this is that in the 4th Chakra it is "how you feel about others". Yes, I definately have spent too much time dwelling in this area of my life.

Introspection never ceases to amaze me. I wonder if I will ever have a clear view of myself. Regardless, I learned one more thing about me tonight, and I think thats what is the important thing to take away.

Who am I really when I peel all the layers away?

So I have been living,eating and breathing yoga. It is so time consuming. But I love it. And the first day we were talking about who we really are once we take all of those superficial layers away. Who are you when you take away your nationality and that you are a daughter, or father, or sister, or aunt or uncle or friend. Who are you when you take away that you are in school or working? Its actually a huge question.

So each day as I meditate, which happens a lot, I contemplate this.

Who am I?

The reality of the answer can be shocking. It can be beautiful. It can be heartbreaking. But regardless of the answer, I think its important for us to know who we are so we can look at what we want to become and what we want to change and what we love. It is eye opening.

So I want to write a little of what I have concluded.

I am imaginative, nothing seems impossible in my mind. Perhaps thats why I choose animals that some people dont believe are real when asked what animal I would be if I could be any. I am broken. I am life, every day I am here is proof of this. I am love. I am delicate. I am adventure. I am losing a mental battle with myself. I am peace. I am understanding. I am full of fear. I am insecure, now more than ever.

As I sit and look at the little things that make me in detail sometimes I smile as I realize I am all the things I want to be. And sometimes I just feel sorrow as I am allowing myself to be engulfed by extrinsic factors, or even internal ones that should not dominate. But overall I think the reality of who I am is beautiful.

Breath is the life of yoga. We are our breath. So perhaps the answer to the question really is, I am my breath.

Even Baby Dinosaurs have to grow up.

Its been awhile. I think I have just felt inadequate lately. Like a little baby dinosaur. Feeling like I have a role to fill but feeling to small, and insignificant. Feeling unworthy perhaps. All feelings that really should have just been shoved to the side. But in the cloud that my life was I just let them all in, and they broke me down.

It happens. Thats life right? But I am getting back up. I dont think mentally I wanted to acknowledge anything. Physically I had stopped eating. No food appeals to me, the thought of eating makes me want to vomit. So you would think being me I would catch on. Nope. Stress killed my appetite, my ability to enjoy food, it made me anemic and dropped my hemoglobin killing all my energy. And yet I ignored it. In fact I would have kept on going most likely but then it changed.

I have known for like a week or more that for some reason I could count on you, that I needed to just be able to tell you what was up. So I did. And I was so freaking scared. And then you were basically wonderful. The best perhaps. So thanks. I feel a lot better, people are right, talking helps a ton. You were supportive and understanding and you let me talk about it, and just say what I felt and that was okay. I almost feel like the conversation isnt over, it was a little interrupted. You asked at the end what I was going to do now. I dont know. But I couldnt say that, I know I need to just grow and learn but thats hard. So I dont know. see you soon?

The point is, like a little dinosaur, sometimes we dont know what we need. We are unaware of the signs thrown in our face telling us whats up. We just dont recognize them, or dont know what they mean. And sometimes it takes someone else to help you see reality. I guess today I found someone that saw my desperate need for coping, a need I didnt see. I feel like if I was a baby dinosaur I would have evolved a little today, and thats a joyful feeling.

ps. My life is really grand, I feel like my blogging has been an outpouring of my feeling broken, but I swear I am super lucky and my life is really super awesome.

Rememberies

Yesterday was full of picture perfect moments walking through my life. I began boxing up my childhood as I went through my desk and toybox in my old room. There was so much. There were school projects, and notes, and letters, and cards and toys. And it was beautiful. I loved flipping through my photo box and all of the secret notes I had been passed over the years. Those are the things I just cant get rid of.

Then we went to Grandmas house. They live just down the country road from where I grew up. Since Dustin was with us we drove up our old driveway. As we got close meg and I just began pouring out memories of biking down that road and learning to skate and tobogganing and camping and hiding in the trees. As we got up the long winding driveway we realized that our home had been torn down and another one built in its place. It was more majestic and grand. Yet it seemed so wrong. I loved that little baby blue barn. It was a home, as homes should be.

Then we went to grandmas and were wandering the property as grandpa had made a one hole golf course. It was funny. But mostly as we walked around I remembered climbing the trees in the backyard, and learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels, and looking for treats on an Easter hunt.

Yes, yesterday was full of remembering memories. My childhood was beautiful. I hope one day I can give my future children a life full of rememberies.

Because I think everyone should own a real pair of cowboy boots..

Today I realized how stressed I have been. Things have been falling apart just as fast as they have been falling into place. And its hard. And I have been coping so poorly. I am sorry I have been tired and frustrated and short and impatient. Its just so much and so overwhelming and I let it take over.

But then tonight in a few moments I remember how it felt to be purely happy. I realized I have been so caught up in being sad or in masking sadness that I forgot to just let myself have moments where nothing else matters except the beauty of the moment.

We chatted on fb. I hate fb chat so much. But you were on and well I have not seen you in 5 years. So I had to say hello. I hope you stay in Utah an extra few days so I can see you in July and in August. I would love that. I missed you, but I didnt realize it until you came back into my life.

The beautiful surface doesnt always reflect the core of it all.

Amidst the plaid shirts and cowboy boots I found myself meeting someone new the other night. Someone I had seen before but never had a chance to actually become acquainted with. As we got talking about life and our future plans he said something and I found myself dwelling on it as I awoke this morning. He commented on things are just going so great for me, and how exciting my life is. I mean upon meeting he found out I had just graduated with my bachelors degree, am becoming a yoga instructor over the next few weeks and am moving to Australia for grad school for the next two years. Yes, it all sounds so brilliant. It made me smile on the outside as he remarked, and yet inside I was thinking of how sad and broken I have been lately. If only he knew.

So instead of allowing myself to appear broken and always let those rolling alligator tears control my adventuring I am setting them aside. They have a place and thats where they need to stay.

Life is so beautiful and I am in between the most adventurous and insane times of my life. I am about to move literally across the world to somewhere where I dont know a single person. It will be amazing. So yes, that gorgeous boy was right, life is so exciting for me right now.

PostSecret

I was recently introduced to Postsecret, as I picked it up off a coffee table in your living room. Little did I know it would be addicting and fascinating. I will admit it. I like knowing peoples secrets. It makes me feel a connection and reminds me that we all have secrets. We all have things we wish we could scream from the top of a building downtown but for some reason or another we cant. Yes, I love being apart of someones secrets, I really do. As such I find that myself thinking about my secrets dozens of times a day.

Today I realized my postsecret secret. It made me cry.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself what matters most

As I was driving home today, after a most lovely afternoon, I was realized how genuinely happy I was at that moment. I will be straightforward about this, as I tend to be. After spending time with someone there are various responses I tend to have or notice people having:

1. You are genuinely happy
2. You are glad you did it but dont plan on it again anytime soon
3. You fulfilled an obligation and are now moving on
4. You are frustrated with the time lost
5. You just feel kinda crappy

Its those people that make you genuinely happy that you need to hold as close as possible. And then I get thinking, well if someone can make me so incredibly happy regardless of whatever else may be happening then arent they someone worth fighting for? Arent they the type of person you aspire to be? In fact, they are the type of person that you would do anything to have them in your life forever.

And it has happened again. I am once again reminded why some people matter so much to me. The people that continually enrich my life and make me want to do everything possible to be a better person matter the most to me. So as I sit here replaying conversations and outings over and over again in my mind I think of how much you have changed my life. Thank you. I hope that one day I can do even a small part to enrich yours.

Also I picked up a book on a couch today that was incredible. I must purchase it. "One: How many people does it take to make a difference? - Kobi Yamada"

I would like to make a difference in the world. Daily.

Yes, today was a beautiful day full of realizing how I can be a better person and being filled with the desire to enrich someones life the way I have had mine enriched.

And once again I find Scrubs expressing my life..

"Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind."

I think I am often like JD. Sometimes I do get exactly what I think I want but I find myself sometimes looking back and missing what I had or wondering what it would be like if I still had it. I am not the best at living in the moment, unfortunately. But I am trying.

I mean here I am, back in Calgary and finally done my undergrad. And I honestly miss being in Provo. I miss my house, and my life being around school, I miss how chill things can be there and the freedom associated with my life there. I thought I just wanted to come back and I dont think thats what I really wanted. Although, I am lucky, I am staying here, it was just a few weeks sort of thing. What I really want is grad school and that looks like its on the up and up. So hopefully once I get there I dont find myself wishing I was back on this side of the world.

As I read JD's quote today, it seemed to remind me of relationships and all of those times I have thought how much I wish I was still with someone, usually a relationship long past. I always remind myself the reasons why that didnt work out but its those days when you wish you werent alone that you find yourself longing something you know was wrong. I am sure this happens to other people and not just me, but its kinda frustrating hey. I guess you just have to look at it as a reminder of what you are really looking for in a relationship, look for the good and bad and make note of what worked and what caused issues. There is always room for improvement next time.

So those days when you see me pining for something long gone or something I chose to let go, just punch me and remind me to love where I am and the choices I have made. Because living in yesterday wont get me to the freaking rad future I have in mind.

"You are the Best"

The other week I was having a discussion about languages of love with my mother and brother. My mum was telling me how their are 5 forms:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5.Physical Touch

As we talked about it I realized my brother is the type of person that likes words of Affirmation. He thrives on praise- something I had never noticed before. My little sister is the age where she is transitioning so I would say she still is affection with touch but also quality time and words of affirmation. Kaity (yes I know you will read this and be like holla) would be the first to tell you I am definately not a physical touch person. I really like Acts of service. When someone does even the smallest thing for me I get super psyched about it. Like when my roommate Lana made me a birthday cake, or when I was sent flowers for my birthday, or when Keith brought me chocolate from Berlin or Jojo gave me a cell when mine broke. I am just blown away when these things are done for me. That is for sure my language of love. I also love giving service. Although when I know the language that someone else prefers I definitely try to cater to that.

However, for the last year I have tried to get Jerry to tell me I am the best. I am not even entirely sure how this happened. It someone came up that I feel like when someone calls you the best it is basically the ultimate compliment. So he would often say things like "lauren you are the best... at choosing books." He would always finish it with something instead of just saying I was the best. For some reason this drove me crazy. Until yesterday. Yesterday he admitted that I am the best.

So I suppose we all like different aspects of each Language of Love. We generally have one we prefer but there are definately times when they all seem to be needed or wanted.

"Lauren, your legs look so cute, and shiny"

I have a little sister that says the best things ever. So I would like to devote this post to her and the incredible things she has said in the last few weeks.

"Is that legal?"

"Pants on the ground.. pants on the ground.. pants on the ground" (she sang it during dinner, out of no where)

After listening to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance "Kate love love loves basketball. Mum I love love love you."

"Put a shirt on! You gonna scar me for life!"

During dinner she got up and started tapping our heads "duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, goose, goose goose goose ...haha you cant get my tail!" (I dont think she really know how to play duck duck goose...)

Last nights dinner takes the cake for the best meal with her. It began with her singing "I'm a B" then she would say "mwahahahaha now you will never find it!" and each time she put food in her mouth it was chomping noises. haha the best part was that Jerry had joined us for dinner.. that poor boy.

Yes, she is the best.

Because I love Canada So.

Happy Birthday Canada. I love you.

Perhaps America Day is lovely too, but Canada Day is just one of those days I always look forward to. Parade in the morning, then lunch, then a rodeo- with mini donuts! And its just perfect.
I love it. Of course I love anyday where I get to attend a rodeo, there is just something magestic about it. I will be the first to admit that Cowboys are the most manly men there are, I cant help but adore them. And then there is just the atmosphere, everything is just chill. Plus I get mini donuts.

I love Canada.

Super Suck on That!

Hey Jeff, as promised I am blogging about it. yes I kicked your butt at Sorry! And it super sucked for you. Oh and dont try and say that you beat me so bad the second time, you didnt. You mildly beat me. So super suck on that.

ps I only took perhaps half of the blame so I think you should take the other half.. just saying.

Applying for Scholarships is like bra shopping..

As I sat on my laptop in the living room looking at yet another scholarship I felt like was impossible to get I yelled "hey mum, looking for scholarships is like bra shopping, its frusterating and makes me go ughjmsadfjkbhghhhh". She gave me one of those looks like 'Lauren did you really just say that?' and laughed. She remarked on how bad it must be since she knows my hatred for bra shopping.

So today I just have to laugh. Two weeks ago I would have told you that you were an idiot if you said I would spend my time at home obsessing over scholarships and loans and lines of credit. Yet here I am.

Life is funny. Especially my life. The most ridiculous things always seem to happen.

Another example. I get home from work and find Big Bird in my bed. I ask my little sister and she laughs and crawls in my bed and tells me she is having a nap. Last time I checked she had now left big bird, a baby, a blanket and a stroller strewn across my bed. You think these things dont happen til you have children.. but thats life. And I am pretty sure if I didnt laugh at all those stupid little things I would get so stressed I would break down. So tonight I am just laughing at how ridiculous my life is.

As the Walls Come Crashing Down

Do you ever feel like you are builidng your life, like a building. Each accomplishment is another carefully laid piece in your masterpiece. And then something happens and you realize your building is a glass house. Its like you have been working on this carefully hidden masterpiece for so long that you forgot it was not hidden. Its as if someone has unveiled it. And there you are, scared and feeling so small amidst these accomplishments, with your life just on display in your little glass building.

I think that is the best way to describe how I feel. But then add it feels like the walls are falling down. Its all so overwhelming and frightening, yet beautiful. As you stop and see your accomplishments all piecing together and seeing that they actually mean something and you are doing something.

I have been back in Calgary for just over a week and I will be the first to say its a gong show, and sometimes its just really hard. Dont get me wrong, I love it. Calgary is of course my home. I love the familiarity of the hospital, like my first morning back when I ran into Mo, he delivers packages and he stopped and asked how school was. There is just so much about that place that screams comfort, as it should after 6 years. And then there have already been the days out with friends which have been lovely.

Then opposite to it all I have felt so vulnerable lately. I feel like my life is on display. Like people are just sitting there watching and waiting, expecting me to do something miraculous. But with the word 'conditional' still in play its not like I can rejoice about grad school, yet. So its hard. I know people have always expected me to do something big with my life, but that stresses me out sometimes. I will do something, and it will make me happy but I wish there werent so many people watching and counting on it. I dont like the spotlight much. In fact, I hate feeling on display. Plus at the instability of life here and the emotional damage following each of us like a shadow, and well, as you can guess the vulnerability is just exposed.

So as I sit here on my bed thinking about how I feel weighed down from five weeks of trying to put up walls someone else knocked down, I realize I am down. I am ready to let the walls fall and rebuild. I was already on the path of making my own life, and grad school, if it goes through this week etc etc, well that is just another way that I have been building those walls on my own. So world, if you must stop and watch, please realize as each wall comes down and breaks on me I am just going to get up and build something more beautiful. C'est la vie.

"You will find that man that is looking for someone just your size and height"

When someone has faith in you when you have none in yourself it inspires change.

The other day I was at work, nearing my last day of work. And this kind old faculty member was chatting with me, as he was prone to do when he came to swim. He would always tell me to go see a Doctor about my problem with being up so early, since I was at work at 6. I would laugh. This time I told him not to worry as it was my last early morning there. He asked about my future. As I started telling him I felt like it was so indefinate, so scattered. It was like word vomit coming out, all of these sort of things I thought might be rad but no plans. Come September I would be entirely lost.

After he swam he came and found me in the office studying, he wanted to say goodbye. As we were doing our farewells he said some things that wont soon be forgotten. He wished me luck and then asked what I was going to do when I was in Australia and a handsome Mormon boy looking for someone just my height and size came around. I laughed and shook it off saying I had no idea about Australia or anything but I wasnt too worried about that boy. He told me that it would work out and I was going to Australia.

This man barely knew me. We just spoke and laughed as he would swim some mornings when I was there, and I didnt work mornings consitently. And yet he had faith in me that I had lost. He knew I was going to do something with my life. He knew I was not going to be a little lost sad puppy wandering in September. I wish I had that faith in myself more often.

So I am trying. I am graduated! (I got a view of my Ochem grade on blackboard- and I passed! Holla!) I am going to do something rad this fall. And I will keep my blog posted on it. So as unsure as I am of my life now that I have graduated, I am sure I will do something epic and beautiful. And I have renewed faith in myself. I just finished 4 years at a hard University far away from home. I learned to live on my own and I built friendships that will never end. Yes, I have faith in myself again. I can, and will, make a life for myself now, outside of BYU.

love.

Music Mends Broken Hearts.

I used to be rather on top of the music scene. As high school was coming to its last two years I really focused on music. I would never be on the computer unless I was listening to Purevolume. I was almost obsessed with it. Freshman year of University I found myself in a city that had killer shows, all the time. I went to as many as possible. Waking Ashland, Straylight Run, Cute is what we aim for, hellogoodbye, cartel, new found glory.. and so it goes on.

But then I got more focused and I still loved music but it just was not a priority anymore. (Dont worry, this story has a happy ending)

As school was finishing up and I was finding myself stressed and lost I realized how much I miss music. I miss knowing random tiny underground bands. I miss having lyrics describe how I feel at basically all times. I miss having songs stuck in my head. And I do wish I had the shirt that says "I listen to bands you've never heard of". haha. So I have resolved to bring back that joy. Oh and part of this resolution came when I realized that Rufio was once again making music and has an album coming out in July. Hurray.

So I am back to purevolume and absolutepunk. I am back to looking up concerts, in fact - my graduation party will be at Kilby Court. Waking Ashland is doing a reunion show that night so since I would not miss that for anything I am bring my whole family there haha. It is my grad so I get to choose these things. Epic timing.

Perhaps my posts will start including lyrics or songs that haunt me more. Perhaps my blog will not be changed. All I know is that music changes everything. It sets the mood and creates ambiance. It helps people get through things, like pain, and stress and even those epically stellar moments.

So in honour of my love for music here are a few favourites for certain times. Enjoi.

Emo Days- And then I turned Seven (now called Jamestown Story)
Running- Fall Out Boy
Pre Snowboarding- Tegan and Sara
To create those happy moments- Motion City Soundtrack, White Tie Affair
For stress relief- Waking Ashland, We Shot the Moon, Regina Spektor
To fall asleep to- Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional
When you wish you were in love, or perhaps are in love- Ingrid Michaelson, Ben Folds
When I need to laugh- Jesse McCartney and Jay Sean (note this works best if Soph is in the room)
For roadtrips- Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and Taylor Swift (if Jenn is there)
Ultimate Breakup Song- Breakin' Up by Rilo Kiley

Music has gotten me through some of the worst days ever and I think that should be noted. I love my cds, and that they are alphabetized, and that I have to own a cd if I like the artist, yes I physically have to have the cd.

Let me thank absolute punk for their moto as it inspired todays blog post. So thank you.

Close Your Eyes and Count to Three

When you want something to go away or your are scared you close your eyes and count to three and then you go for it. You become brave and you step up.

So I am sitting here and closing my eyes and counting and hoping I can be brave. I have two more days to give it my all and hopefully it goes well and I graduate. I have two days to make my mark at BYU. And then I have to pave a future. I have spent the last 22 years following a path that basically seemed laid out for me. Going to University out of high school seemed natural. But nothing seems so apparently natural after university. I mean I want to get into grad school but thats still up in the air. And I want to teach Yoga but do I work somewhere or start a studio? Thats in the air too. So here I am. So close and so confused.

But its exciting! I can do anything I want. and trust me, I will. I plan on doing something epic. So as terrified as I am of the future I am basically stoked at the same time. So cross your fingers the next two days/two exams go well.

Love Kills More Brain Cells Than Crystal Meth

Thank you Veronica Mars for that lovely quote. Today I finished the last episode of Veronica Mars. It seems tragic not only because I love that show but because I fall asleep to it almost every night. I have a lot of trouble sleeping lately and it would tend to soothe me to sleep. So now to searching for a new sleep aid, which is no big deal as its finals time. I mean pure exhaustion should be what puts me to sleep the next few nights. So that issue will lay to rest for another day.

Just taking a quick moment to think on the title of todays thoughts. It is so true. Love makes you do the dumbest things. Just thinking about the stupid things I have said or done or thought would work because of love makes me laugh. So perhaps we can all find amusement in the stupidity that love brings, but not in a cynical way. Love is so beautiful and needs to be acknowledged as such. It just tends to kill common sense on its way to beauty, thats all.

Relationships are like Pokemon

It was about a whole decade ago that I had the greatest desire for a Gameboy. So I remember saving up and getting money for my birthday and when it rolled around my lovely Grandmother took me to buy a teal Gameboy Colour, and Pokemon blue. I was so pysched. I seriously loved playing Pokemon.

Then last year came and I found myself bored walking to and from school and between classes, so I began playing Pokemon as I walked. I will admit it, I was just as psyched to play as I had been years ago. I am super close to finishing the game actually, I just havent played in a few months. Perhaps after finals I will beat the League.

So heres the thing. I realized as I was writing a letter that relationships are just like Pokemon. While playing Pokemon you run into different Pokemon in so many places, the grass, buildings, caves, forests etc. And if you want to catch them you have to fight them, sometimes you overpower them, sometimes they get away, and sometimes you just dont want them. There are times you catch one and start training them and you find out they were not all you hoped for so you put them into storage and search for a different Pokemon. Then there are other times when you realize that they are your favourite and you train them so so so much and you love them.

It correlates so strongly in my mind. I find myself meeting people in so many different places, and you never know what will happen. There are times when I choose that its not someone I want to pursue and I walk away from it. Then there are times when I find myself so intrigued but the feelings are not mutual. And sometimes I think I have found what I am looking for and then I realize it wasnt what I expected or perhaps what I truly wanted, so I put it away and look for someone else. But sometimes you get lucky. You meet someone so special and it turns out that they feel the same way and they become a favourite, someone you grow to love and treasure.

So even though relationships are so ridiculously hard sometimes I at least find the ridiculousness to be understandable as I sit here and think of how I make sense of it all through Pokemon. Maybe video games are more beneficial than society gives them credit.