And Then I Turned Seven

It clings to you, like wet clothes in the rain. You cant shake the attachments, the emotions, the memories, the smiles and joys, the heartaches. It's like you are back in highschool. Like nothing has changed. And all if took was a few words from a song. You rapidly search for the album, as the seconds pass you feel taken back. Its like a warm hug allowing yourself to let go of the present and remember some of the stupid things that are related to that album.

Music defined my highschool life, as well as the first few years of college. I think back to the days of skinny jeans, boys skate shoes, band shirts, emo music, punk shows and nexopia. Who are we kidding, I miss all of those things. My favourite skate shoes were beyond wearing and were let go before I moved. My stack of band shirts were carefully laid in a large clear container. My cds were alphabetized and left in a brown box with a sharpie note scribbled across the top so that they would be loved while I was gone. Nexopia faded to fb and eventually I closed my account. And yet it just takes moments and I feel so drawn back to it all.

I miss the wasted hours on Purevolume listening to some other little unknown obscure band. I miss knowing all those obscure bands and having no knowledge whatsoever of popular music. I know I have grown up and created a new life around myself. One that involves shopping at yoga stores instead of skate shops. One that involves weekends studying not trying to find a parking space on a gravel road in a seedy part of town because we found some show to go to. This grown up lifeish sort of thing is great and all. I know responsibility and have learned to take on complete independence, but I cant help but wonder how I let some things go. I wonder if I could only manage things better to incorporate every side of myself. Or if its one of those things that has to fade as I mature.

When did I decide that growing up meant forgetting about the things I used to revolve my life around? Maybe its okay to let your past be part of your present.

Except if it Doesnt Work out, Then It Ends in Heart Suck

I get annoyed when people tell me about love and how great it is and blah blah blah. Yes, I am very aware it exists. I am also aware that I know over 30 people that put a ring on it this past year. But then again I also know what its like to be broken hearted. So as much as it is lovely and all for so many people to be in some blissful realm of unreality in love, I prefer a more grounded route involving me not living in a bubble unable to face facts. I am quite sure things will work out for me in that department one day, maybe not entirely how I want it. Because lets face it, at this exact second I could tell you exactly what I want to happen because I do care about someone that much. But then again, I also have enough sense and people to remind me of logicality, that I dont fancy any more chats about romance in the near future. I am taking a mental vacation from the subject as I am not currently open minded to your thoughts about how great it is that I deeply care about someone and how its bound to work out. You know what, it has every odd against it working out and if it doesnt, then I will be left in a place known as "heart suck". So yes, I am no longer going to stress about all of the people getting married, especially the boys from my past. I am no longer going to stress about "us" or if there can be an "us" or any of those silly little things. Instead I will continue to just live my life over here, because as stressful as it is, it is kinda epic. This isnt me giving up on the plague called love, it is me accepting it and living my life because thats all you can do sometimes.

Lenting.

I am not catholic. I have never participated in lent before. But this year I am all in. I am not even sure exactly how I found myself so keen to be all over it. I think part of it is because I have been getting into all holidays, why not take a moment to celebrate someone else's culture or country or religion? It provides learning opportunities and heaps of fun. So I embraced "Pancake Tuesday"- or in non-european countries "Fat Tuesday". I woke up and made the traditional european pancakes, crepes. And it was an epic start to an overall dull and non-stellar day. And then wednesday came and I thought about how I had been wanting to cut out chips and chocolate and lollies. Basically my three favourite things. And with the flood and then exams and then travelling they had been finding their way to my hips rather often. I knew it needed to be resolved but I just hadnt managed to find that motivation. So I took up lent. Its only been 2 days and it feels like ages. Not because I miss eating delicious pieces of extremely unhealthy food, but because the days have been so long it just seems like a lot of time has passed when it hasnt.

So cold turkey it is. I am embracing lent for the first time and have abandoned something for the next 40 days. Mind you, when easter comes I plan on eating my favourite chocolates from home. Lent doesnt mean giving something up forever. Although I do appreciate that the catholics give something up as a sacrifice in similitude of Christ's sacrifice, so when I think of the deeper meanings I do think it is beautiful.

Unicorn Tears

Somehow those two words evoke strong emotions in me. Initially because I know its a new colour for my favourite company and I definitely want something in it. And then because it's unicorn tears, they scream magic and pain and healing and hope. Somedays are like unicorn tears, bitter and painful for some reason but at the same time they hold this glimmer of life and hope that little else compares to.

Life has such an odd way of being really hard in the simplest ways but then something always happens that draws you back from the breaking point. Life was feeling so bitter today after I felt like people were so human, full of unknowing and error and a lack of helpfulness because of this. And then the most stressful situation of the day and probably the week if not more, turned out to be exactly what I needed. I needed to be thrown back into my element, to be sharing my passion with others and to have a chance to recognize my progress and growth. I needed to meditate and find myself again, it was time to regroup.

So as I continually think of how incredible it would be if we could go around collecting little unicorns or how intense the healing powers of unicorn tears must be, I realize that some days are definitely unicorn tears days, and that I must purchase an article or two in that shade.

Wordless Thoughts

They are not thoughtless words, each word has been mulled over, and over and over. I have started heaps of posts this last week and abandoned them mid thought or sentence, sometimes even mid word. Not because I have nothing to say but because I have so many things to let out that I just cant seem to find the right medium, or the right words. So the thoughts just keep piling up until they begin spilling over. Coming out in a fury of words with few breaths taken as it pours out.

I was beginning to feel confused as to why none of these words were relatable to my blog. But then I realized that all of those things I wanted to unleash were tied to emotions and I didnt have words, just feelings. And furthermore all of those feeling related thoughts werent just to be tossed to the wind, they were to be saved for a time when I would be full of courage and ready to open up. So sometimes I think its best when I dont just scribble down or hit post for all of the things I think I need to share. Sometimes the thoughts are just too much thoughts and not enough in word form for here.

On an unrelated note, but in my mind entirely related note, I found a new thinking place. On the desk there is just enough space to sit comfortably next to the mirror with my knees bent and my toes against the wall. Its the perfect place as its inset and like I am not a part of the room when I sit there. It screams security. So thats where I go when I have those words to share. When exasperation starts my thought process you can know thats where I am sitting.

Eurotopia

I was just in Europe. And it was perfect. It was everything I had spent years imagining. I got there and it took my breath away. Yes, it was exactly what I had hoped for. It had the most beautiful architecture I had ever seen. And it was everywhere. Very few buildings were not stunning. It had history, heaps of it, and little shops everywhere. There were little market stores and bakeries everywhere. It felt like I was returning home, to a home I didnt know I had been missing. It was like it completed me a little bit. Being there was ecstasy.

And then there was a moment when I realized that it could be just a little bit better if someone was there with me. But thats a whole different story. So even though this post is so inadequate for the two blissful weeks I spend in Europe something needed to be said. Barcelona is definitely a place that holds part of my heart and there arent really words for it. It was just everything I had hoped for and felt like a fairytale, one that I will revisit in my mind all the time. Most likely when I sit looking over and over the thousand or so photos taken to capture those memories. xo Europe

And We Trust Like Mirrors

You pass a parked car or a window and unknowingly glance at your reflection, you may acknowledge it or you may not even realize it. As you bend over the sink washing your hands throughout the day you may glance up and see yourself. Or how about in the mornings as you prepare for the day, or in the elevator full of mirrors. Or perhaps it will be in the gym you will see something looking back. Regardless of where it happens, it happens. We rely on these reflections because without them we dont really know entirely how we look. We could just base it off of other people, but often that doesnt give us the peace of mind that we are hoping for. So we trust the mirrors. We carefully put ourselves together or adjust something in our appearance as we look at that reflection because we trust it is showing us the truth.

There are so many things we cant just take from someones word, or that we dont want to ask about. We just try and find something tangible enough to hold onto. Something that sees it the same way we do. Thats why we trust like mirrors. Its just a reflection of what we see.

Also I miss jamisonparker, I wish they had made more cds.

Pokemon Apokelypse

I have no shame whatsoever in admitting I like Pokemon. I play the game on my gameboy advance sometimes. and well, I beat Pokemon Blue on my sick old school gameboy in August. Yes, years of playing between my college classes finally led to me beating the game again. Epic.

So when I was sent this link slightly as a joke I was psyched. I literally felt my life changing as I watched it. Sadly its not actually being made into a film. But if it was I would see it multiple times and add it to my top ten for sure. So enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDX1m0Y2Vkg&feature=player_embedded

Terminator: What My Running Technique Makes People Think

Just because the nice man offers you candy it doesnt mean you should jump into his windowless van.

That seems like an unrelated quote. It is, entirely.

I often joke about how running, as a female, you often have guys honk or yell things, and how that can be a bit of a boost as its like "yah I am out running and I do look good". haha. Thats the thought process I have. So when I was running and realized it was dear friends honking I just laughed and kept running forgetting about the scenario entirely.

They however, had a detailed thought process occur after it, which I have the good fortune of including. " we saw you running the other day and i thought your arms were going to turn to liquid metal and reshape in the form of hooks followed by you jumping onto the back of a car and using the hooks to hang on like terminator." I then laughed and was impressed with the excessively long thought process. And the response was "we had a longer though process as to why you might be terminator lol. ranged from you were hunting for the next sacrificial victim for the cult or the cult had kicked you out and were trying to kill you in order to keep their secrets"

So I apparently inspire active imaginations as I run. Perhaps I should put this on my resume so I will have an easier time finding a job at a gym, I mean who wouldnt want a Terminator for a trainer?

Your Home

Things were off. A few tears had escaped in the moments I was alone in the room. Not technically tears of pain, but not not tears of pain. Perhaps of intense fear. It just was an uncomfortable situation, I didnt want to be there, not alone. But that was not something changeable. Upon leaving I made a call, it was midnight your time but you were waiting. You did your best to not act tired and to offer words of love and advice, you hold the role of mother in every aspect.

But I didnt want to be alone. I knew if I went in and shut the door I would feel overwhelmed. My mind would race to all of the possible impossibilities and I would begin to think of the worst options. So I went to your home. It was my home temporarily, only because you had opened your door to me. And the moment I was back in there sitting on the couch it once again felt like my home. I dont think you will ever know how much it means to have the two of you around. We dont spend every second chatting or sit around sharing our deepest secrets amid candles. But I know that when you guys are around I have nothing to worry about, that you will always be there for me and that I will always have your home to call my own when I need it. So I sat there, quieter than usual as was pointed out. That didnt matter. I just felt secure and free from the wilderness of my imagination and the worrisome place it can be. I love your home.

I dont know how to thank you, perhaps I shall bake you the only special thing I know.

The Now

You have this book I am actually psyched to borrow. I know you said lots of religious people arent a fan, but I feel like my perspective on life will fit in with this book. And our surrounding conversations have left my head spinning. The now. How little time we each spend there. Our constant glancing towards the past or future and worryings of things that will never happen outside of our imaginations. It all happens so often, but how often do we remember the now? Not enough. I miss those days of yoga all day, when I could just meditate and the times I spent finding out who I was once the layers and things placed upon me were removed. Today I have wasted heaps of time worrying about things I cant change and that likely wont happen near as disasterly as I can imagine them. So I am closing my mind to those thoughts. I am ready for an evening of now.

My Golden Rule of Flying

Similar to many normal humans I do not like public bathrooms. I also am a nervous pee-er. I do not like thinking people can hear me pee. So when I fly I have a golden rule, "Do Not Use the Bathrooms". No problem. Prior to November I had never been on a way long flight. November marked my first 14 hour flight. No problem, pee before and after and sleep during. Nailed it. Then I recently embarked on a magical trip to Europe. This involved nearly 30 hours of flights there. Again, I followed that golden rule to a t. On the way back I was doing great. Til I woke up feeling ill and then somehow made it to the bathroom barely in time to vomit. Yes, I was that person that threw up on the plane, at least no one saw. So the rule was broken. It was a tragic moment. Partially because I was throwing up and still have 2.5 hours of that flight, a 2 hour layover and 8 more hours to fly, but mostly because the rule was broken.

Everyone has some rules like that I think. Perhaps yours are not as ridiculous or strange as mine, but I am not ashamed of it or anything. Its entirely logical in my head. I am just thinking though how crazy it is that we set up these rules, things we will never ever do, but then BAM! Circumstances change and we just break it, without much more than a second thought. Hopefully we dont do that for what matters most, but I think sometimes we do. Golden Rules should be made for reasons, and not broken unless essential. I have taped up my golden rule for flying and it is once again in effect.

Stunner.

Every now and again something happens that makes you stop. Its like the instincts of an animal. You hear something, or feel something, or get a sense that something just isnt quite right. So you stop dead. You just pause and hold your breath trying to decipher it. But perhaps it is just out of reach. Or its gone in that instant. So you brush it off, you take a few breaths and you try and forget about it. And you do. Until something a little more happens. Then it occupies your mind and you cant get it out until you deal with it. Until you figure it out, until you ensure that everything is okay. But in those moments, when fear has taken over someone will be there. Maybe it will be a middle of the night text when they cant sleep but its clearly waking hours for you. Or maybe it will just be something obscure. Either way, you will get back on track.

I still feel stunned. But the hours just are wrong. I cant do anything until morning. But somehow I keep telling myself it will be fine. I probably just am sensitive and cautious and my ears are perking up at the slightest nothing. So I will call and get some peace of mind. But until then, I may stay a little stunned wondering why those moments of feeling like you are in total control of your life can never last more than hours. Maybe thats the whole game of it, maybe we are meant to be constantly challenged. I suppose I would feel stunted if things werent always a little tricky. So as I lay in bed tonight I will accept the stunnedness and probably just blog.

The Relevance of Escalators

If this is a page your eyes have passed before you might be wondering why the change. Why does it all seem to be different suddenly, and why not just a little, a lot. Well life happened, and keeps happening. And as it goes and I change elements of my life change, frequently out of necessity. This just happened to be one of those elements. So as the seconds continue to pass by and my eyes glance at the ever wasting seconds as I sit here I feel compelled to explain the relevance.

I am afraid of escalators. Correction. I used to be afraid of them. I am nearly at the point of having overcome this fear. And as I found myself on the longest escalators I could have imagined recently I realized how far I had come along. It wasnt long ago at all that I would just opt for the stairs, or if forced to take an escalator I would do so with great care as I would clench the siderail. Those days arent gone or forgotten. If my arm or bag brushes up against the side I get anxious and find myself breathing deeply as the feeling passes. I still stair at the moving steps as I get on each time and I still get apprehensive about getting off.

But the thing is I have decided its a ridiculous fear and one that I should overcome. So as I noted my progress of this I realized that there is a lot in my life I need to just overcome. Instead of letting things engulf me and swarm around in my head like fruit flies ravaging, I should just do something about things. So I am. I have started taking those bigs steps I have been avoiding. I am no longer going to reside in my own shadow as I watch my fears and concerns be my forerunners to life. I would rather actually put myself out there and try and figure life out than to just continue to be trampled and insecure.

I am determined to get on the escalators that seem to be the hard options but often the right ones.

Changes

New web address means new major blog changes. Stay posted.

With Nails Painted

I rarely am found with painted nails. I just dont enjoy painting them and they only seem to look nice for a day or two, mind you, I love them for that day or two. But once they start to chip it all has to come off. In the attempt of calming myself the other night I painted them with my favourite polish. This resulted in me succumbing to fits of stress today and scratching the polish off all 10 nails in less than an hour.

I dont think levels of stress this high extended for three straight days is healthy. Perhaps I should just force myself to stress relieve tonight at some point before I die of stress induced coronary heart disease or something of the likes.

You're Using Your Headphones To Drown Out Your Mind

How did she know? That is exactly what I am doing. If the music is loud enough and my eyes are closed it doesnt just drown out the outside sound, it drowns out the world. And then it drowns out the chaotic scrambling that is my mind. I try and live with music constantly in the background enhancing the performance that is me. But it takes the spotlight sometimes and in those moments of swirling bliss filled with lyrics so carefully laced amongst the notes I actually find quiet. The noise outside is nothing compared to the constant voices inside. Dont read that and suddenly think I am psychotic and hear voices, its not like that. Its like a constant narration of my life along with incessant thoughts as my mind continually wanders through fantasies and possibilities. So I am grabbing my headphones and feeling the thoughts slowly being drowned out.

Kites Fly Highest Against the Wind

Perhaps all this opposition or struggling I find in my life really is just to push me higher. If it works for kites then its bound to work for me, right? All I can do is aim for the middle of the blast of wind and try and rise as high as possible. It cant be harder than trying to avoid it.

Why Real Life is Like the Jetsons

I fondly remember watching the Jetsons on television as a child. Mostly I remember watching it while on holidays. Perhaps we didnt get it back home. It was one of those shows that would just make you laugh, and I always thought it was a good thing that when we phoned people they didnt see our faces because what if you were just stepping out of the shower, or all sweaty mid run or indisposed in some other way. The draw of telephones is that you can communicate with someone and appearance does not matter at all. You can call them anymore you have reception.

Real life has now become like the Jetsons. As the show crossed my mind the other night it hit. When we just rock up to skype with someone its the same as the Jetsons, or when you choose facetime on your phone, at least mine offers it (an option I always choose to not go with). So somewhere along the way we crossed that line of technology. The mindblowing scientific discoveries that were depicted in our childhood or prior to that are now real.

I am banking on a hover craft being the next household invention. Which makes me wish I was in the world of Tron.

A Minor Inconvenience

I realized I am at that place. A place I dont often venture to, at least not whole heartedly. You might actually be at the place for likely the first time ever. So here we are, both at the same place and possibly on the same page. This is something new, something that I cant really wrap my head around. I think it could be epic though. But that would be too easy, too perfect and sensical. So here is the catch, I am thousands of miles away. This is a minor inconvenience. I need to find a way around it. Let the tempting begin.

Drawing the Whole City On A New Canvas

When something is scheduled for 2 hours, it should take that. It is alright if for some reason it ends a little early, and I will accept a few minutes overtime. But after ten minutes over the allotted time it is unexceptable. I mean people have schedules and lives to live. We cannot stay for an extra 40 minutes after 7 hours of learning just for you to shove the knife into my skull a little deeper hoping I can learn something else. Two hours over schedule is also not okay. I cannot sit still that long. I think I should seriously consider cutting all sugar out of my diet as I fear I may have some mild form of ADD as I struggle in sitting still.

So I drew a cityscape. Across my arm. That is what happens when you needlessly make me sit for 4 hours, when I planned on two. And when in those 4 hours the last 2.5 were not helpful. I cannot sit still that long, especially unexpectedly. Although I am quite proud of this cityscape. Perhaps this will be my new canvas, it is better than the one I was planning on.

Word on the Street

Word on the street is that a cyclone over 500km massive is coming towards Queensland. Okay, thats not word on the street. Thats fact. If this cyclone comes and floods my home which I have had for 3 days after 3 weeks of being homeless I will have a major mental breakdown and I will likely break things. Anything, like faces if that is what is closest.

Luckily, the same word, also known as the news, has informed me that it will hit up north and I will just get rain. So my new home should not flood. Thank goodness. I feel like a cyclone would kinda suck, and by suck I mean it would massively destroy everything in its path like a dinosaur on a wild rampage.

I also realized its too soon. I cannot laugh about the thought of my newest home flooding. That would be unreal. Honestly, if that happened I would just stop and look for Ashton Kutcher because the only explanation would be me getting Punk'd. Too soon.

In The End It's The "What If's" That Matter Most

Do you ever stop and just think well "what if..." I do, all the time. About basically everything. And when you play the what if game it goes no where. It just gets you thinking about possibilities that didnt happen, or wont happen, or cant happen. its not productive. But then again, sometimes it is exactly what you need. When you stop and fantasize about what could have happened if one little thing was different. If you made one choice differently. Ultimately, I thrive on this game. It provides controversy, it makes you think, and usually you come out a better person. Not like life changing different usually. But it often makes you appreciate your decisions. Especially those ones that you had to make and really didnt have a choice about.

Or it can just give you a moment of peace with something so out there. For example, I mostly play the game with what ifs I cant control. Its as close as I can get to having control of a situation out of my control. So at the end of the day when you are letting your thoughts wander and your inner monolog take control dont stop the what ifs. Just let them happen and realize that they are important in their own way. What ifs can teach you a lot about yourself, and sometimes what you really want most.

Why Do We Even Have Beds?

I hate when its that time to go to sleep. You would think I would embrace the opportunity to rest, or just to snuggle up in my gorgeous bed with the giraffes bodies matching so perfectly with their heads on the pillows. But no, its just not my favourite. I dont like dreaming because more often than not I wake up terrified. Its usually a reoccurring theme, or spiders. Both are not ideal. And maybe its because I dont like sleeping alone. I dont do the roommate scene well either though. So where is the balance? I just dont know.

But the other night I was so tired, it literally was taking all my effort to stand. So I set my blanket out on the floor and nearly instantly passed out. I woke up 9 or 10 hours later as if time passed in the blink of an eye. That was the best sleep I have had in months. If I knew how well I would sleep on the floor I would not have bought a bed, especially one that required assembly. Last night I had spider dreams again while sleeping on my new bed, maybe tonight I will curl up on the floor again, tempting.

Because You All Thought I Was Someone New

I had a lot of things to say, and even more things to write. Mostly because I write the things I am too scared to say. But instead of doing that I will just rapidly scribble a thing or two as I sit on the grass, post being kicked out of the library.

I wore glasses yesterday and pulled my hair back. I looked in the mirror and I felt like I looked like me. I have enjoyed short hair, but finally being able to pull my hair back into a small ponytail reminded me of me. It was a feeling of pure satisfaction as I strapped up my heels and went to church. And then as person after person stared in disbelief and then uttered comments as to how they didnt even recognize me and wondered who the new girl was I was taken aback. What do you mean I look that different? Then I realized, they didnt see me the way I saw me. They didnt know me with 22 years of long hair or as the girl who has had glasses since she was 10. They were used to my pixie cut and contacts that appeared invisible. Perhaps I did look different.

Alas, it is finals time and I feel like my nerdy glasses give me an extra boost of motivation and desire to be a nerd. So they had to be broken. And well, my hair is growing, so that just seems natural. So its okay if when you see me you stop for a second and try and figure out what looks different, perhaps I look less homeless too. You can never be sure about these things. All I know is that I feel content.

ps I just booked flights to Spain and London. When did I become so spontaneous? Hopefully you are in town and will let me crash on your couch.

Florvag

Ikea has several names for their furniture that we decided would make anyone blush.

We also came to the conclusion that if guys are out to pick up chicks than they are best off to go to Ikea. Stop and think about this one for a second. You have girls, usually in pairs, picking up furniture for various reasons. They love the looking part and choosing out what they want, but when it comes to finding every single box, loading them onto a trolly thats much to small and then hauling it around, well that part sucks. So what girl doesnt want some kind boy to come and offer to get their stuff and help them wheel it around. Perfect opportunity to snag a female. Also we are very grateful to the boys who offered up their services. Its like an automatic gold star.

Ikea is the new bar for picking up chicks.

We Will Push You Off the Roof, If You Fly You Are A Witch

Let me preface this with the fact that I have been extremely blessed in being able to stay with 2 incredible humans the last week and a half.

However, this morning breakfast conversation took a startling spiral, ending with the most obscure conclusions. Somehow they asked if I was going to a convent, or if I had made voodoo dolls of them, of if I have seances, or if I turned into a werewolf during a full moon. It then turned to questions about if I could fly or if I had a cauldron to make my brews. They decided I must be a witch and the only way to find out would be to take me to the roof after uni and give me a broom and push me off. Either I would die and they would be wrong, or I would fly proving them right.

Hallelujah for their kind hearts haha. I am pretty sure half our uni class now knows and this evening they provided me with other options such as being burned at a stake or being tossed in a river with rocks tied to my legs. I am glad that I have so many awesome options.

But then I thought about people in the past who actually were killed because they were misunderstood. Can you imagine having people think you were a witch or a sorcerer and then just murdering you because they didnt understand? Maybe the world is not like that exactly right now, but it kinda is. People are constantly discriminated against for their race, or religion, or background, or appearance, or anything. Are we just like the townspeople that used to murder supposed witches? Do we make our own judgements on people based on little to no facts and then refuse to acknowledge the truth even if its screaming in our face? Do we crush people because we just are too ignorant to understand? I think we do. Most people do in some sense and I dont exclude myself from this. I know I am doing better though lately and not writing my impressions or opinions in stone. People are surprising and beautiful for the most part, so we should let them live, even the ones we think may be witches or may have a voodoo doll of us somewhere.

Burning Bridges is a Form of Suicide

Frequently lyrics express my thoughts better than my own words can. Either that or I find that they hit me more than anything profound I hear at church or uni. There is just something about music that reaches out to my inner being more than other things. Or perhaps it is just because I spend so much time listening to music that is bound to affect me more than anything else solely due to its massive presence in my life. As you can see, there are several options here.

Everytime I hear this song its that one line that sticks out. I think because it rings true. I have a skill in burning bridges. Mostly its because I feel awkward in several social situations so in order to prevent me from being in those awkward situations I feel its easier to ignore them or the people that put me in that place. This generally ends in me severing ties with lovely people just due to my own sheer awkwardness or inability to face situations. This comes about when someone has feelings for me and they are not reciprocated, or if they have very opposing views to my own and dont seem to accept mine. Or when people are overly social and its too much for me. So I end up watching myself light these bridges on fire and then stare at them as they burn.

This bridge burning is a form of isolation. It is there as a protection mechanism to prevent myself from being vulnerable. But once you burn bridges it takes ages to rebuild them, and some just dont rebuild. And then what are you left with? Just charred remains and a gap that once used to have a pathway to something better. Part of you dies a little bit when you cut everyone out. Relationships are the basis for so much. They provide you with love and comfort and support. They connect you to reality and offer fresh perspectives. So when you take those away doesnt it make sense that you are killing yourself a little? You are just taking away all of the things that build you up. If you arent building up then you are breaking down since nothing is stagnant in life.

Maybe as I am starting to light bridges up I will be able to take notice and try and choose another path of action in the future. No one needs any form of suicide in their life.

False Advertising

I am not sure that any advertising is real. There always seems to be a catch to it or some hidden angle. Or perhaps it is just straight up portraying something unrelated to the product in hopes of getting in your head and you thinking that that goodness will come upon you once you buy this product. For the most part I enjoy clever advertisements. I appreciate the humour or the creativity behind them. However, when such advertisements take my hopes, and fly away with them, and then shatter them like a child's balloon being popped, I feel otherwise.

This happened last night, and I am still a little bit irked about it. You see I decided to go for an evening run. I got myself all psyched up for it and off I went. I had predetermined that I would run 3 miles and then stop at Sev for a slurpee. I would then enjoy the slurpee as I cooled down walking the last little bit. Let me note that there have been signs up about the new flavours at Sev, which is why I was set on the idea of getting one. Epic idea, I was so stoked. So I ran and it was much better than expected. I arrived at my destination and eagerly chose my cup. I then thought of how great the lemon lime bitter and the pear something or rather would taste. Sadly the advertising tricked me. There was only bubblegum, raspberry, coke and something else crappy. However the raspberry and something else were broken. So I was left with 2 flavours I didnt want. AND none of the flavours there were even the ones advertised. Ugh. I was so distraught. So I just bought vitamin water and went home.

So I just dont really appreciate advertising like that. I mean there are plenty of other ways that the world can knock you down, but when you give me that hope of something glorious like new slurpee flavours and then not even have them, well thats just harsh. So please do not advertise glorious morsels of love and tenderness if you do not have them. Thank you.

Pterodactyl

Fact. The Pterodactyl is a reptile not a dinosaur because dinosaurs were diapsid reptiles with an upright stance or were quadrepeds with a stiff, straight legged style of walking.

For those of you who by chance have been reading these posts for ages may feel a little deja-vu. But sometimes its worth going back to good things from the past to tell about something in the present.

You didnt believe me that the pterodactyl was not classified as a dinosaur, and even if you did believe me I have no doubt we would have argued anyways. Lately it seems like these stupid arguments are what keeps me smiling. Its a few minutes when I forget about the other stresses around and I just laugh and try and think of a way to make you realize your opinion is just wrong. Ultimately we both know the argument is solely for the sake of arguing, perhaps thats why its so entertaining. So as I try and forget about the cockroach skittering about and contemplate going to sleep I cant help but wonder what stupid thing we will argue about next, if I am lucky it will just be a few hours before you stumble in and have something to say.

Regardless, pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, just like I am not invincible.

... Psych

Today I got super stoked. I had a temporary place to live, and it could be permanent if I wanted it to be. Also it was with a super rad girl from uni and the location was great. Hallelujah, things were going my way.

Oh wait, then the girl whose room I was to rent came back. Psych. I am still homeless.

I feel like it was cruel of the world to get my hopes up that I was finally going to be able to destress and have a house and just go back to normal living. Sadly the world hates me currently. Thankfully I did yoga tonight so I had reached a point of ultimate peace prior to this realization, if that had not been the case I would be ultra freaking out at this moment.

Yoga saves lives.

If the Spiders and Snakes Dont Kill You the Floods Will

Why do people say these things to me? Hello, I have arachnaphobia and am homeless. Apparently Australia is killing me. Except not killing me like the zombies on Call of Duty. Are you now sitting there questioning the gaming reference? You should not be. Let it be known that I have a fascination with video games. I dont play them often but some of them really catch my eye.

Space Invaders for example. The arcade game sits in my basement. I grew up playing it. I am not saying I am great at it by any means, but I love it. It just reminds me of my childhood. Next would be Mortal Kombat. Only because of the joy it has brought me at both the nicklecade and the laundromat. What a great game.

Getting back to the point though, Call of Duty is coming into play here as level 10 has been the level to beat independently today. No, I dont play it, I just am the spectator. But I think I am finally catching on. Perhaps I would survive a level, maybe even two if I joined in with a controller. Regardless, I am content sitting here watchingish as I flip through notes and scan websites. Possibly the contentment comes from the complete lack of stress in the air at the moment, its a truth breath of fresh air for me. Or perhaps it is coming from the fact that a door was opened to me from two gentlemen, so unexpectedly. Or because I laugh a lot here, there is just something about the humour in this house, or just about your presence, you two are hilarious.

So as much as I feel like Australia is trying to kill me, with the most massive spiders that are hanging overhead and that I have to run underneath as I cringe because I think they will eat me, or with its natural disaster destroying my home, I am still alive. So here I am, embracing your video games as I hear the rolling thunder, and contemplating how much of a pleasant surprise staying here has been. xo.

Non-Mirror Images

I had never though about how the image was translated to the person on the other side of the computer, at least not until yesterday. You had me raise a hand to figure out if it was a mirror image or not. It wasnt. I think that moment made it more real. We were both just hanging out in the places we were staying and just chatting, as if we were sitting across from each other in real life. There is something about talking to you. Dont settle though, please dont. I wish I knew the words to tell you how incredible you are. Them maybe the mere thought of settling wouldnt enter your mind. I forgot how much you changed me this summer, do you know that? Maybe you should come visit this way. Just a thought.

As much as I am loving the non mirrored images part of me feels ready to go beyond that. When I see your faces it reminds me of how real you are, and sometimes of how much I miss you. I cant imagine not being able to skype, its become so commonplace in my mind when I need to talk to someone from somewhere in America.

But then there are moments here when I realize this is my non-mirror image. My life is whats real. And lately that seems to be facing things head on. Like the 2 massive spiders hanging in webs overhead that I have to walk under to get into this place. Seriously, they need to be killed. I cannot handle it. But that is whats real. And as much as I love how real skype makes things, I cant let myself believe that I am that person trapped on the screen, that I am only in existance when it shows me online and someone elses face appearing on my screen. That is such a big part of maintaining and growing relationships, but ultimately the beauty of our non-mirror images is just a small fragment of our lives. And sometimes, its my favourite fragment.

The Chicken Coop Ate My Sandal

Today was different. But lately every single day is different. None of them go as I would expect. So maybe its becoming expected that everyday will be different, so maybe that is just becoming normal. But it was so different.

Church was ended early so we could spend the day helping people with their homes. This resulted in my first public shout out in church and everyone turning and staring at me. However, this led to a handful of men trampling through mud, chicken excrement, and sewage water to spend hours at my place. This involved moving furniture, hauling rubbish off on a boat as the road was flooded and we needed the rubbish across the road. It was amazing. I didnt think we could do anything there and yet so much was accomplished. The house is amazingly destroyed. I still feel like I am in shock. The basement was the real kicker, her room is covered in mud, the door is warped, its so bad that I cant even imagine someone ever claiming that as their bedroom again.

This day became more apparently different as a man gave me thirty dollars because he wanted to help and to him that was important. I ultra appreciated his generosity. And as I realized that the men hauling out of my house barely knew me, if they did at all. And as my flip flop broke walking through a mud and excrement filled chicken coop as I fled my house again. I was covered in mud and shoeless. Finally I looked the part, I am homeless and I look it. Bummer.

The thing is that this is kinda funny, like haha I have to laugh or else I will cry. Another few weeks and it will just be ha ha funny and I will laugh all about it. Today it is just like a bit funny because who does this happen to? I dont know. Me, I suppose. So I put on a dress tonight after a long shower so that I would not feel like I was homeless, it has worked temporarily.

... and all I got was refugee status

So as most of the whole world knows, Queensland was dominated by floods. And when I say dominated, I mean the floods totally destroyed a major area. Most of Brisbane was affected. Over 115,000 people lost power. 15 people so far have died. Over 30,000 homes flooded. Animals had to be rescued. Thousands and thousands of people had to evacuate. Domination was had.

After a very muddy journey through the old couples driveway, the chicken coop and some other yards and a broken fence I got into my house today. The front road is still majorly flooded, so its not like I just prefer the dirty back way, I just cant go any other way. I didnt have any idea what the house would be like. I am still in shock. The house was caked in thick, slimy, mud. It was everywhere. Like so much so that you were sliding as you tried to walk from room to room. Everything was coated in a muddy film. The front lawn portion not submersed into the water is covered in ruined objects, such as beds, mattresses and the like. The street has tranformed. It used to be a quaint road, now its muddy, and trashy.

Ultimately, I have no home now. I dont know why I thought I would just move back in like nothing had happened. It just shows how little I knew about floods. They ruin homes. My neighbours are going to demolish and rebuild. I will just move. This week has been unreal. I was so ready for 2011 to be my year. I was going to nail it. Somehow I dont feel like this is what I was planning. Its time for me to get my head out of this daze and back to real life. Which seems harder when I am on someone elses couch, with my things in a pile or sitting in my mud covered house. I am so over this natural disaster. I am ready to have a permanent home, be back in class and not be wondering when I will feel like life is not dominating me.

I survived the floods of 2011, and all I got was refugee status.

An Introduction to Flooding

One day I moved to Australia and found that it was raining a lot. I learned to get used to it. I even got an umbrella for Christmas and was learning to embrace the light rains. Not some much the torrential rain, that still was a pain, but I was dealing with it. I didnt even feel concern when the water on my street would flood a little and I would have to walk through yards.

The first time I had to walk directly through water near my knees to get to the house I thought it was a little ridiculous, but I laughed. The next morning it was just above my knees, still not awful. After uni was cancelled that day the water was to my waist, this time it wasnt actually that funny. It was a little bit awful. But I went in and made dinner as I figured it was best to eat instead of thinking on an empty stomach.

The next 3 hours involved a friend from school swimming across to my house, then her and I taking everything I own and putting it as high as possible. I packed 2 backpacks and then started moving furniture from the basement up. When it was time to evacuate we had our swimsuits on and then we went waist deep in the water on the driveway before we could cut through 2 yards, a broken fence, a chicken coop, some sheds and then end up on the road behind us. I was out.

The next day my 3 new housemates who had rescued me as a refugee came to see my place. We could only get to the road behind which was now flooding. The water was to the balcony by this point. Due to their kind hearts they swam to my home, filled a suitcase with some clothes, as I had like 2 outfits and pajamas, and then taped garbage bags around the suitcase and brought it back.

The tide brought the water up this morning and will again today. I dont know if anything will be safe or if all of my stuff will be ruined. It sounds like my home is likely swallowed in water. But thats okay right? Well, it has to be okay. Nothing I can do. This is a natural disaster. One that I didnt ever think I would have to get close to. I dont think I really knew anything about the reality of flooding until now.

Its insane when the places you were just a few days ago are underwater. When the man-made beach in the city is not beach to the over flowing river. When your house is actually underwater. I didnt think that much water could ever be in one place, besides the ocean. I think the next 2 years here are going to be a lot different than I originally imagined.

Now its time to wait for the water to go down, then it will be time to clean up and rebuild. But for now, all we can do is pray.

The Truman Show

"We accept the reality of the world of which we are placed"

Maybe we are clones. Maybe our lives are just the Truman Show and everyone else is sitting at home laughing as we go about living on TV. Maybe we are pawns in someones game, or robots. Maybe we are just dreaming all of the things we think are life. And maybe we are individuals struggling to make our paths as we live on earth.

But none of that matters. The actuality of existence and what we perceive as reality is insignificant because that doesnt change what we accept as reality. So what reality is does not matter at all. We are here and that is all there is to it. We come to terms with our life on earth and that we have a purpose. Some people dont look for a purpose they do as they feel and some spend their whole life searching for that purpose.

But how many people really just spend their life living? I dont. I spend it worrying and stressing and trying to please people and myself and trying to accomplish things and change the world. But in all of that stress and trying I usually miss the mark, whatever mark that is.

I want to get to a point where I can just accept my reality, accept that this is how my life is right now and just live it. So tonight I am going out to live, instead of sitting here wishing the past was not my past. Its time to live, even if my life is the Truman Show and everyone is at home watching.

"maybe because you hate yourself the universe is making so many boys like you to even it out...cancel out the hate with a whole lot of like!!! even if it makes you uncomfortable"

Maybe you are right. Maybe because I have let life punch me in the face and instead of getting up I stayed down and cried and then after hated myself for staying down and crying, something had to happen. Maybe thats why all of these nonsensical random friendings are happening. I think you put it in the best of words. Which is typical for you, you understand the things that I dont say.

Hating myself wont get me anywhere good though. Its just in the middle of that spiral downwards. You know that spiral, the one where things just start going down and then the next thing you know you have watched your life spin out of control and you have no idea how you got to that place, but you know that you hate yourself for letting it get there. But by that point you feel like there is nothing you can do to fix it. Its like its too late. So then things just keep spiraling. It is an awful cycle. One I am all too familiar with.

Why is it that as humans we tend to be so much harder on ourselves than anyone else? We can give others slack or embrace their short comings, but when it comes to ourself its like nothing will ever be good enough. I think this year I need to start loving myself a little bit more, and work on getting back out of this spiral that someone engulfed me when I was not watching.

Wishes Mean Nothing

I have a vivid imagination, I can think of something and let it run wild. And this happens often. Yet I find that I often can come up with grandious wishes and I play them out so many times that when it doesnt happen it is a let down.

For example, a few years back when a lovely boy came home from his church mission of 2 years I was so sure we would get married. I loved him so and we had been writing for so long. It seemed like that fairytale type of story. Then he came home and everything had changed, it was like wedding bells were dead. Yet I had spent those 2 years getting so psyched about it that it was such a blow when I realized that was all in my head.

As the years have passed this has happened over and over again as I have let my imagination run wild with thoughts of a moment, a night, an event, a human. Yet time after time I find myself on that fall down to reality as I realize what I had imagined was so epic compared to the truth. Dont get me wrong, the opposite happens so often to. And when what you imagine is surpassed by reality it is glorious, but thats not the point of this.

So once again I have found my incessant wishing has gotten me little. I am still here, he is still not here, and he wont ever be here. All along I think I knew that. I had just wished so hard that it would not be that way that even I started to believe that things might change. But wishes mean nothing. Everytime I wish on a star or throw a coin in a well or write my wishes down it seems like nothing changes. Because nothing does change. Change comes from action, from perseverance, from work and time. Wishing is just a way of wanting something but not being able to do it, whether it be because it is out of our hands or because we are too lazy to step up.

I think I am ready to stop allowing my wishes to take my hopes and then murder them. I am tired of realizing that what I have imagine or hoped for is really just something that will stay in my head and never become real. Maybe I am ready to live in reality a little more longterm, at least when it comes to major wishing.

Escaping Your Own Life

We both came to Australia to escape our lives. Something had happened to each of us and we needed to find ourselves. Realizing that it feels impossible to find yourself when everything around you is a reminder of the pain of reality we both fled. And somehow, one time we met. Not because of anything miraculous, we met because you were talking to a friend of mine. That didnt solidify anything, you didnt even remember my name. So I dont know how it happened but then we came back, and now we are real friends. I think once it came out how we both ended up here we realized we had something in common.

Its easy to relate to someone when you realize you are in the same boat. Just trying to find yourself and rebuild after some form of destruction. I feel lucky that we had a chance to run into each other on the path to finding ourselves.

It sucks that you are heading back to England but thats okay, I will see you soon enough right? Thanks for escaping your life when I was escaping my life.

Hoser.

I used to think you didnt know what it meant to cry. It was like you were invincible. Then one night you called me. We were best friends but we didnt talk on the phone, thats how I knew something was wrong. You were crying. I was so confused. I knew I had to work early the next morning but I told Mum and we found lifesavers and I drove into the city to find you. You lived by the ghetto house then. We went to the park and ate lifesavers and sat on the swings as you cried. Your parents were getting divorced. I still think of that night and how it took our friendship to the next level.

After that you moved a few hours south and then I moved to the states for most of the next 4 years. Summers were spent going to the zoo and movies and people watching at the mall, while school months were spent texting and sending fb messages trying to keep in touch.

The next real phone call I remember between us was a sunday. I was the one bawling this time. You knew something was wrong the second you saw I had called. Even though 6 years of friendship had happened we still didnt do phone calls. You called back and tried to console me as I told you it was my parents this time. The tables had turned.

In between all of those years we had minor cries over stupid boys or stupid things but seldom did they merit phone calls. Now I am across the world and I just wish I could be there to sit on a swing and eat lifesavers with you. But we are okay. I have texted you while crying over being so lonely and homesick and you have texted me over the hurt from a lost love. But finally I have realized how good of friends we are. I had been sitting here wishing for a way to help you, but then you went to my little sisters basketball game and sat with my mum and let it out. I know she would have loved you and said the things I wish I could say to your face.

So when you come across this I hope you realize that no matter where either of us live, I will always know that phone calls mean bad news and that its time to drop everything and settle in for a good cry. I will always know that you gave me that book that opened our eyes to relationships. I will always know that it was that stupid math class you hated back when I was in grade 11 that made us friends and I dont regret having you hate that class so much that it forced me to be your partner. I know you will be hating me for being sappy at this point but I am too far for you to punch me, so it was worth it.

ps thank goodness I am now allotted 500 texts from you! I will make use of every single one..

pps I am still sorry I had lunch with him and gave him his present instead of being at my house the day before I left.

Domination- The Word of Convention

Urban Dictionary: Domination
interjection: a word that hardly ever fails at it's purpose as an interjection.

Domination is a word that is very dear to my heart. It can be used after mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or any other type of victory over someone. The odd thing is that I am not very competitive. I would rather have people peaceful than stressing over a victory so I dont go out of my way to crush someone. However, when it comes to domination I am all over it. As i let this word mold my introductions to a new experience I found it was able to describe most events that occurred. In life there is always someone dominating. And sometimes that just means dominating your own life. Which is the best form of it. I am so ready to dominate this year.

As I found myself thriving in that word and the world it opened I started to see my life through new eyes. Eyes non related to domination. I was in a "pod", a massive room divided into small clusters with trifolds. These pods had concentration camp style beds, which I honestly enjoyed in the end. But as this pod had over a dozen girls and was surrounded by pods of the exact same content I had such an opportunity to learn more about myself.

I learned that I will never be that girl that will spend hours and hours dolling up for something or someone. I will get ready and look nice but I will still look like me. I wont always have my hair curled and dresses fitting each curve, I will more likely have on a plaid shirt and a large belt buckle with skinny jeans and toms. I wont ever be that girl that believes in any kind of permanent cosmetic alterations, whether that be a breast augmentation or tattooed makeup or other cosmetic surgeries. I actually am really happy with how I look, if I looked different then I wouldnt look like me. And I learned that I am not that social girl that has to talk to every boy or be noticed by every person. I am the one that likes to just sit back and chill and meet people when it happens but I dont thrive in social situations. I thrive in those private conversations that happen between a few people.

So as I spent my few hours of sleep in that pod and the rest of the time was spent with the other 1500 people there I outwardly existed on domination. But inside I found so many opportunities to reflect and see who I am. At first I felt as though I would never fit in, but then I saw that I fit in perfectly with myself. And I have finally hit a point in my life where I am so happy with who I am, and I dont change who I am for other people anymore.

I think I am starting to dominate my life.

Hey Cow! COW! HEY!

We met one night because we had a mutual friend. That friend was not there so it was not that epic, well it was nice, but nothing grand. Now we are BFFs. For real. I will always be friends with you after the last few days.

Somehow we got in the same car for literally the longest roadtrip of anyones life. And it was epic. Perhaps it was when we played Hey Cow that it changed. I realized you were actually as insane as me. That night you told us a goodnight story, and the next day I wondered if we would actually hangout again since we were now in a massive place with tons of people you knew. But as the days passed I realized I would see you most of the time. From meals to dances to games to goodnight stories our friendship evolved. I miss you already. I have no one here telling me goodnight stories, I have no one here to check up on and know they re lying to me when they say they are feeling fine. Most importantly you helped me to understand the value of a certain word and a black leather outfit, halloween will be so epic.

So as a tribute to our friendship I am allowing you to dominate this blog post.

Resolving (post a quick glance backwards)

Its that time of year. The time when you release the year is over and you either think back and realize what a magnificent year it was and you bask in the glory of it, or you think hallelujah, that year is over, if I had to relive it I would die. I will lean towards the later. So prior to my resolving I want to take a quick moment to peer back into the days that comprised the year 2010 in my life.

It was a year of ultimate change, of new beginnings and even more endings. It started with preparation for applications to med school. Saturdays spent studying for the MCAT and classes of death. And then it changed and I knew I was going to apply to PT school instead. So I jumped onto that ship instead. Concurrent was the foreclosure or my condo and the misery that followed as I frequented with the realtor until I got a cheque and a new home. As all of these changes swirled around I learned to snowboard, for real, and fell in love with it and the feeling of being up on the mountain. Amidst this relationships formed, broke, reformed and rebroke. Then it was onto another relationship- one that would come back in a new way months later. The days turned into spring term, french classes and ultimately a robot video that won me my yoga teacher course. It was the time of my first half marathon and a short relationship with another fellow. Spring also brought a professor with fresh love and perspective as I found out life changing news and my world began its crashing spiral. I moved home for a short period and on the way there I got a conditional offer to school. I fell into a time of pain and heartache. I journeyed back to the states to become a yoga teacher and to start on a path of healing as I came to terms with the effects of another's decisions. It included sleepless nights and long talks as friends returned from countries far away. And graduation, I nearly forgot, I graduated, hurray. Then a roadtrip to try surfing and to play pokemon. And then home, and surgery and work and preparations to move away once again. Then I visited Utah again, a final dasvedanya fest before I moved to Australia. It was my Christmas present, but no one could have seen what would happen. A relationship would change and that changed everything. Australia was next. Grad school began, new friends were brought into the equation and new goals were formed. And then the year started to close. And then it was now.

So after that long quick summary it seems like this year was okay. But the heartache part was so awful that it really was a rough year, one that hopefully has turned me into one of those diamonds that come from the rough. I survived though! And thats what matters. So I want to resolve.

I resolve to not be scared of love. To work for it and realize that what has happened around me does not define me or my relationships, those are mine and they will be different.

I resolve to achieve my personal fitness goals that are on post its in my room.

I resolve to become a better person and contributor to the world as I expand my horizons and find myself on a deeper level.

I resolve to embrace change instead of running and cowering from it.

I resolve to be there for you more.

So welcome 2011. I am so so ready for this year. I am embracing it along with the changes that have become integral parts of my life. Farewell 2010. Dont come back please. Thank you.

Banksy- and How He Opened My Eyes

I will admit it. I now have a minor obsession with Banksy. I cant help it. I am fascinated with his street art. His anonymity. His ninja like stealth. His messages. So here is an example of why I am obsessed.

But thats not just it. I have always had a fascination with non traditional things, especially art. I wish I was more artistic, thats for sure. So his art really hits me. Then I got thinking as I searched for his book today. How many things do I now love that I would never have known about if it wasnt for someone else? And that got me questioning if anything about my self is original. But then I realized that if we never shared anything with anyone than life would suck and no one would know about anything. How stupid would that be? It would be just awful, trust me, I imagined it.

So I dont hate myself for loving movies you have recommended I watch, or books that I found on someone elses table first. I dont regret having interest in things someone else likes. It just means we have something in common. So I am glad that because of something you said I found a movie that intrigued me and have something else to be interested in. I just wonder if I ever share things with people that they then adapt to become a part of them.

Wild Things, Dinosaur Fossils, Black Pearls and Toilets

The making of a happy Christmas. I knew this year had to be different, there were no options. Yet Christmas was the one day I liked to be the same, the exact same, every year. And so the day came, and everything was entirely new, and yet part of it was so much the same.

I woke up and saw 3 kangaroos across the road from Cid's families home. I knew Australia was real then, either that or the budget of the Truman Show must have spiked in order to make the holiday season more realistic. Both are plausible options. The day progressed from there in its entirely unusual fashion. I must admit I was feeling so homesick and lonely amidst that beautiful family. They just welcomed me in, but it wasnt the same as home, and part of that was just so hard to overcome.

Then it started turning around. I talked to someone that always knows what to say, he has somehow obtained a wealth of advice as he has aged. So there I was, standing in the sun taking in every word. The bigger picture became clear, he knew there was a lot more to it than just that day. So we got into the major things and he reminded me that I had to start creating my own memories, ones that were happy and new, I couldnt dwell on the past forever. And maybe it was time I put it all out there and send a much needed email (which I did). Somewhere in the laughing and being reminded how I am like a nerd on steroids, everything became okay. Thank you.

Then I talked to mum and grandma and grandpa. And I remembered how those three people love me more than anything. And it didnt matter where I was, or that it was Christmas Eve for them and Christmas Day for me. Nothing mattered, because we have each other. And then Christmas began in my heart. I realized that it had nothing to do with where I was, or who was there or what happened. It just mattered to me that they knew I loved them and that they loved me back.

Its not to say that the rest of the day wasnt epic, but I learned my lesson in that moment as the sun was burning my skin a little bit while I talked on the phone. We opened presents and played this insane twister game and had dinner and it was so lovely. And then Uncle Shawn brought out his gift. He is no relative of mine but I had heard of his gifts. It was a complete toilet. Thank goodness he didnt know I was coming, I dodged that one.

Then the real best part came. It was just after midnight when the skyping began. We sat in a circle, just like always, except this time I was on the screen. And one at a time we opened our stocking presents then the gifts from me. And it was magical, minus when that huge bug attacked me and tried to kill me. I am glad that was entertaining for the rest of you, however, I thought I was going to die. And as each present was opened I realized how well my family knows me. Its not like a superficial knowing like it is with most people, they know know me. When I opened up an ice cube tray that was fossilized dinosaur bones, and wild thing pajamas and a peace bracelet and zen magnets I knew that they knew exactly who I was.

So Christmas came and was beautiful. And it ended with me opening the most beautiful present I can imagine. We were shopping for someone else when I fell in love with that pearl set, never did I imagine I would own one. So as I look at each piece and carefully put them on I am reminded how the 4 of you are always here, even when you are not.

So even when I was sure the Grinch had stolen my Christmas and every ounce of love I had for it, everything changed. My heart definitely grew several sizes that day.

Fake it til You Make it

For those of you that find your eyes glancing across this blog on more than one occasion and ever have thoughts involving my writing to be insightful or grown up or anything along those lines, well then just skip this post. I would rather leave those thoughts intact. Although I doubt those thoughts really are occurring. So I will just get on with my dreary, immature post.

I hear people talking about faking it til you make it. We all do it at some point, at least I think so. If you act like you know what you are talking about, or you exude confidence then people will believe it. But you cant always fake it. Every so often the truth rears its ugly, self conscious head, and thats when we are reminded that we have just been faking it.

That awesome truth decided to just take my face and shove it hard into the fact that I am faking it. I could tell you how excited I am that Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I mean Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. I have a million traditions, and I hate when they are broken. My best memories growing up involve Christmas. But not this year. I hate that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I just want to skip the holiday this year, just forget that it happened. I dont want to forget the birth of Christ, I just wish I was in a cave where there would be no celebrations.

I smile as I go out. I ask about others plans and eagerly share mine. But underneath its a different story. I can barely sleep or function normally with the thought of the impending holiday. I dont look at my Christmas shrine and feel the love that went into those neatly wrapped presents. Instead all I see are the other ones, and the card. That writing is all too familiar. I almost dont want to open it. I know it will just hurt. And perhaps I will be able to bare the pain of reading the words and opening those few things, but having to talk to you about it will be more than I can handle.

And then there is the part that should be happy. I do want to skype with you all so much. I know you are trying to maintain tradition. But its broken, we all know it. And I want to see your shining faces as you see what I left under that tree but deep down I know that we all will be crying inside, even if we fake it on the outside, and I doubt I will be able to fake it.

So as much as I tried to fake it for myself, and maybe for all of the happy people here, I cant do it anymore. Which I suppose means I didnt make it. I am not sitting here looking forward to a happy Christmas. I am sitting here thinking my tears are comparable to the torrential rains that flood my road nearly daily. I am sitting here wishing the aching pain I feel through my whole being would just stop. And I am hoping that I can just survive the holiday, thats all. I dont need it to be glorious or anything, I just want to survive it. Because right now it feels like I am drowning.

What I'm Trying to Say

I have far too much time on my hands, time that does not have to be filled with studying. It should be, but its not a must since I have days and days to do it. So here I am yet again, sitting with my laptop, listening to songs that I know all the words too and eating my favourite lollies. But this abundance of unproductive time allows me to think, and when I spend too much time thinking I usually find myself in trouble.

There are so many things I want to say, but more than that I just want you to be able to be here and to see it. I would rather have us be able to laugh about things together because you were here when it happened. That would be so much better than me trying to find the words to type to explain each thing. Or just the sights. Whether its the flooding on my driveway or the tropical rainforest appearance amidst the great court on campus, I just want you to be able to see it.

But tonight I got lucky. I went out for pie with some lovely people, one of whom knew you. And even though we scarcely discussed you, it didnt matter. For once it felt like you werent so far, like part of you was here. It made you feel real again. Sometimes I feel like you are so much in my mind that you cant possibly be real outside of it, and it seems like its been forever already. So as I snuggle back under my giraffe bedspread I cant help but to smile a little bit more as I feel like you are not impossibly far tonight.

Seven

Somehow its been seven months. Exactly seven months. And yet there are moments when it feels like it happened yesterday. I dont know how other people can be so forgiving and willing to forget and move on. I wish I could just forget and move on. I wish I had more answers now than I did then, but reality is that I only have more questions. I understand it even less now. I dont know how I survived the last seven months. Well I do, so thats incorrect. It was through religion, and the women in my family and a few friends that stood up taller than I could. I feel blessed that I have grown more than ever these last seven months, but if I could go back to that day and make it never happen I would. I would change everything. Because right now, when I look back, I cant look at it like this was such a period of learning and growth and experience. It was heartbreak and betrayal and confusion. One day I know I will be stronger, and I will have forgiven, and I will be proud of the progress I will have made. But perhaps it is too soon. Perhaps it is okay that I am still healing and that I cant fully grasp onto the forgiveness side. Perhaps coming to terms with it and realizing I couldnt have done anything because it was a choice made exclusive of me, is enough for today. I survived the last seven months and I didnt let it ruin me. Perhaps thats all that can be hoped for at this stage.

My Mind Just Goes Keeps Going Back To Memories.

Looking for the right person to understand the things that I didnt know how to say, I thought back to a previous encounter, it was months ago now. Our friendship was so odd, in a good way. I didnt even know who you were, in fact, I had not even remembered giving you cake. But somehow you must have realized that we should be friends. And then one day I told you everything. I just knew that you were the one person I had to tell everything to and I didnt know why. It was on your porch, and it all came out. And you let me feel how I felt. Yet you gave words of wisdom. I wish you were here so I could just hear words like that, because you already understand. That evening continually sticks out. It left an impression that just wont fade because you said things I need to keep remembering. I am trying not to forget it all. What am I going to do now? That was the vital question, wasnt it? But more importantly was when you told me it would take time. I wish you could have told me how long it would take.

Its been ages since I saw you, it was right before I moved back to Canada. I hope you know that I treasure your friendship. Also, whenever I watch animated things I think of how you would tell me something technical about how it was made.

Let's Try Redefining Beautiful

I hate that beauty has been tainted by media. That people stereotype beauty and are often too closed minded to see beauty in a broader range. I want people to open their minds and their hearts to a new kind of beautiful. A kind of beauty that embodies everyone. No pressure, no unrealistic expectations of a skin and bone appearance while maintaining the facade that they are healthy. No. I want beauty to be embracing who we are.

I think its beautiful when people can open about their real self. Not the person that most people glance at on the bus or at the market. But the person deep down that recites random useless facts or has minor obsessions with childhood games. I think beauty is rarely found near the skin. Its so much deeper. And the more I think about it, the more I miss the beautiful people in my life that know all of those real things about me.

Maybe I want to feel like I am contributing to the world becoming a better place, or maybe I just think its unhealthy to feel the pressure to conform to the standards of "beauty" that media has given me. Regardless, I am going to try and forget the idealized definition of beautiful and I am going to redefine it for myself. I want to feel beautiful and for everyone else to feel that way too.

So Much to Say but No Words to Convey - 6.28

Some days it all comes back. Everything. And sometimes I remember its not just me. I forget how little you are and how much harder it must for you. I know you want me to come home. I know you feel alone and hurt and broken and scared. I wish I could make it go away. I understand though. Its still too hard. You will take that step one day, today just isnt that day. And honestly, maybe I wouldnt have taken that step if I didnt know I could get away from it for so long.

I am sorry I cant do more. I dont know what to say, I dont know what to do. All I know is exactly how you feel and how much that sucks. I love you.

Glow Worms

Last night we ended up in a cave up the Gold Coast. It was late and dark but once you find the cave it is illuminated with these glow worms. It's like sitting out under a clear sky looking at the stars, except that really you are in a cave and the stars are these glowing little creatures. It is gorgeous.

And as you feel the peace and silence or the darkness it makes you think. It was as if the world stopped and I had a moment to reflect on life. Its like looking at the clusters of glowing was like looking at parts of my life and connecting it like constellations. And as I drew the lines things seemed so clear. I know it feels like I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and there is part of me that thinks about escaping and going back to familiarity but I know there is a point that requires moving on. And I do know what I am doing. BYU had a purpose, here will have a purpose, and when I think back on the trials that got me here, I can more clearly see their purpose. I am pretty sure I need to find more time and places to reflect as reflection reminds me that even on the dark days there is light somewhere, I just have to find it.

Just Punch Them In the Face and say Shut the F Up

I learn a lot at school. And I find that some of my professors speak more on my level than others, one in particular was hilarious today. Most likely because he looks so serious when he says these things to me. I now know how to deal with patients.

But it gets me thinking, when these ridiculous things happen in class or when I see something obscure, I just think of texting you because I know you would understand and laugh with me. Or when I am watching some show that I eventually realize has been quoted by you or you have told me to watch its just another reminder of you. I guess sometimes it doesnt feel like you are quite so far. But really, you are way far, and I hate that a little bit. Perhaps this is what it feels like to really care about someone, or maybe I am just going crazy. They both seem like viable options lately.

The Dangers of Texting

You hear about how dangerous it is to text while driving. Some may even compare it to Drunk Driving. And recently, it has become illegal in many places. They have crazy videos that show utter destruction and death from this. Hence, we may see the dangers it can bring.

However, who ever talks about texting and walking? Personally, I think it is much more dangerous. I mean just today I walked into a fence.

So who makes these laws? Who decides what makes one activity so much more dangerous than another? Really, I think its great that they are trying to keep people safe, but sometimes I do think about natural selection and I wonder how people lived before there were a gazillion laws for everything.

Immunizations

Sometimes we get vaccines. And some people dont. And this isnt a post to cause a debate about immunizations, because I do have some strong opinions on the subject as many people do, but that is so not the point.

So sometimes we get these vaccines to make us immune to something. Something harmful and potentially life threatening. It is a security measure. But what about when you take those precautions but your body rejects them and you are still not immune. Then what do you do?

All you can do is be glad its just a few more shots and some money that you have to pay for them. It would be worse if you found out you had one of the diseases. Not being immune is not the end of the world. Its just a speed bump.

How often do we think some decision or action from ages ago, maybe even decades ago, will suffice now? I think that we have to actively be making and remaking important decisions to protect ourselves. Whether that decision means sticking to beliefs, or working on goals or just letting go, we cant count on a decision from our awkward teen years to help us forever. Maybe one day you will wake up and realize you arent immune anymore. And life is so hard as it is. So if you dont know where you stand because somewhere along the way something didnt take, well, you are just setting yourself up for life to be even harder than it has to be.

So maybe every so often we need to stop and check in with ourselves and see if we are still immune and protected and safe, or if we need to change course and try a new vaccine, something else to help protect who we are.

Letters on Paper

He went on a mission for 2 years. Our only means of communicating was through letters. I was lucky to get one a month and I would keep each of those letters in a special box so I could reread them as if it meant he was not so far.

She went on a mission for 18 months. Before she left I wrote her letters, for all of those times I would want to be by her side. That way it was like she hadnt left me for so long. We still wrote regular letters, but this way when she needed a best friend I could be there still.

She went to Egypt. I wrote her letters for all of the things I thought she would need someone to be there for. I mean egypt could have sketchy internet, I just didnt know.

I moved to Australia. She wrote me 4 letters and the night before I left she gave them to me. I kept these letters treasured. I didnt want to open them at the wrong time. Sunday I opened the first one. I cried for ages.

I had always wondered how other people felt when they got letters that I sent, or when they opened the prewritten letters for those days when loneliness or pain was reigning. I think I now know. Everything I needed to hear was in that letter. The next day I got 2 Christmas cards in the mail.

When distance causes hugs and first hand love to be prevented from being shared letters are the next best thing. I keep those photos and the words and the snowman and the cards so close. I thought it would be hard to be loved so far away, and at some moments I feel like I have never been more loved.

Thank you for knowing I would feel alone Mum and writing me letters. I love you.

The Waiting Place

A most uselesss place. "No! that's not for you! You'll somehow escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

Dr. Seuss got it so right. And thats exactly how I was feeling this morning. I felt so lost and trapped and realized it was because I had wandered into that waiting place and I had allowed everything to become stagnant as I attempted to just wait. I would wait for a conversation or anything that might show how you felt. But mostly I was waiting for a decision. But today I realized I cant do this forever. Right now everything reminds me of you, and thats great. But I dont want to feel like I am holding back because you are not sure what you want. I think I just put too much pressure on something that really will just happen or not happen and I am not in control of it, so I should just go with whatever happens instead of avidly waiting. I hate the waiting place and it hates me right back. So I am leaving the waiting place, and what happens, happens.

And as soon as I realized that I felt incredible. I broke 6 miles and by far had my best run since I moved here. I came to terms with everything for once, and I did it without relying on someone else, well besides Dr Seuss and his infinite words of wisdom. So I have checked out of the waiting place. I still want you to come, basically more than anything, but now I am just going to keep living and if you decide to come and be a part of that, awesome.

ps. this would be the one post that might actually be decent for you to read. No pressure on it anymore.

Missing Puzzle Pieces

I hate it when you are doing a puzzle and you get to the end and then realize a piece or two is missing. It kinda feels like a slap in the face. Lately, thats basically how I feel. I am not sure why though. Its like I am trying to do school, and be socialish with the other physios without putting myself in situations that would compromise my standards, and I am trying to see the girls and other churchy people enough without missing out on studying. And I am really trying hard to run enough miles, but its so hot and I wake up so exhausted that sometimes my runs just feel like failures. And sometimes I just end up sitting there realizing that time is passing by and I cant manage to get anything productive done no matter how hard I try.

I thought all the pieces were here. I was exercising, and studying, and making friends. But I think somewhere along the path things got missed. Perhaps loving Jesus more in an outward sense would help. Or just skyping with my mother and seeing her face. Or maybe just talking to that one person that I havent talked to in a few days but always knows what to say. I am not exactly sure what it will take, I just know that the first step is realizing something is missing. So now onto step two, its time to figure it out and get back on track.

What Physio and Hookers Have in Common

Today I made a realization. It is basically like I am paying a fortune to learn to be a hooker. I get to class and spend time with my shirt off, or with my partners shirt off. I then grab their butt several times as I try and help them scoot forward to go from sitting to standing. Or hold their hips and pelvis to coordinate a bridge. Then there are the times when I am palpating which often involves a hand or two on the chest. There are also the scenarios involving paraplegia where I find my body pressed against their legs and am all up in their face while trying to stabilize them through movement. This sort of thing goes on for hours a day. Then there are the times when you are in the spotlight and you find a dozen or more people staring at you in your bra but by this point it already seems normal.

When you think about it, it is like I am paying to learn how to be comfortable in wearing next to nothing with strangers and to touching people in generally more personal areas. Yes, some days it feels like I am learning how to be a Hooker.

26.2

I just decided I am going to run a marathon. I feel motivated to at this moment. Carpe Diem. Last time I felt this motivated I trained for and ran a half. So why not? Tomorrow is day one of training. Just tonight I was saying how I needed a distraction, voila, I have found it. I figure if I can stick to the schedule this will be the biggest distraction possible outside of classes. Hopefully this does not kill me.

Good Will Hunting

"You are not perfect sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she's not perfect either. But the question is, whether or not you are perfect for each other. Thats the whole deal Thats what intimacy is all about."

I feel inspired.

The Snake at the Bottom of the Stairs

Upon returning from my run this morning I saw a small snake at the bottom of the stairs. I was terrified of course. I heard that the little snakes are the ones that can kill you. Plus I had only ever seen a snake in the wild once before. So I ran up the stairs and got ready for class. Much to my dismay the snake was still there staring at me with its evil eyes when I left for class. So when I was finally returning home in the early evening I started to pysch myself out. I thought of what to do when this snake bit me, would I go to the neighbours who I dont know? Would I phone someone? Would I run inside to our visiting travellers and ask them what to do? I had no idea. I was petrified. And then I got home, and the snake was gone.

Hours later I was still distraught so I asked my roommate. Apparently its a blue-tongued lizard that just looked like a snake because its legs are so little. Shoot.

But how often do we misinterpret something? Or pre-judge and never actually stop and take in a situation? Honestly, I do it all the time. I assume something and psych myself out of things that really should not be stressed over prematurely. I freak out about things that could be solved with a conversation because I am too scared to ask the big questions and the ones that matter. But sometimes you have to. I had to come inside and shower before class even if I thought it was a snake waiting to attack me. And sometimes I have to know what page someone else is on. So instead of just thinking that those beady eyes are laying in the bushes waiting to attack us at our most vulnerable moments maybe its time to take a closer look and actually be brave and take the situation for what it is.

Sometimes a snake is not a snake at all.

Accept That Your Entering Into a Situation That's Uncertain

I often find that quotes from TV shows often depict my exact feelings at that moment. Bones did not fail me tonight. A lot of life, if not all of it, is uncertain. We never know whats coming next and that often leads to fear, backtracking and pushing for things to stay the same. Fear of the unknown is such a strong, driving force. I often find myself compelled to look for ways out of unknown situations or for clarity. Its like walking into a dark cave, you have no idea whats up ahead and you would do anything for some light. But that would take away the unknown factor, and with that half the fun.

So as I find myself starting to wander along a new and unknown path I am trying not to incessantly freak out or to turn back. I think there is potential for a lot of adventure on this path but it just requires some faith and patience, and I think I can handle that. So I am accepting the unknown in this situation and just going forward with it.

Little Links of Technology

It doesnt feel far away because I know your on the other side. All it takes is a quick text, or a fb message or chat or skype and all of a sudden its like we are together. And sometimes its like I dont even have to be talking to someone from home, just knowing they are on the other side and all it takes is a few keystrokes to connect is all I need.It makes the world seem so small.

But then again I feel like everyday the world is a little bigger. I meet someone from Scotland and they tell me about their travels for the last 6 months and how they have 5 left, then I realize how little I have seen. I have 2 years to acquaint myself with this part of the world and I need to get on it. I am thinking with my February break I will try and see a place or two. I feel like you know so little about the world til you actually see it. I could use some more culture in my life thats for sure. After I graduate I really want to do Europe so hopefully it works out that way.

Regardless, I like how all I have to do is open my laptop to feel like I am everything but alone.

One plus zero plus zero

I feel like its some sort of monumental milestone to have blogged about the random things in my life one hundred times. I am a fan of milestones, they show progression and growth, its like they are people standing at the sidelines of a race telling you that you can do it and to keep going. I guess I just feel like this milestone signifies my growth since I started writing.

Everything has changed in the last year or so. I finished up my four years in Utah, I had the opportunity to spend a whole month enveloped in yoga, I survived some really trying times and came out a better person, and I got into grad school and moved across the world. All in all, I think the last year has been exceptional for milestones. But more importantly, these posts depict the people that have changed my life, the ones that have rescued me in times of despair and the ones that have taught me so much and adventured with me. Most posts are my way of saying thank you for being part of my life, when I dont know how to say it any other way.

So today it is time to start reaching towards new milestones, to find myself progressing further on my path of life. And to realize my potential and the opportunities I have to be that person for someone else. Namaste.

I lied. It wasnt entirely because I was just wondering. But you know that, thats why you asked.