Taxidermy

The other night I was at dinner. And at some point I realized that I was saying really strange things. I think I realized it because the other two people there were staring at me and asking what I was on. And then it came out that this was actually me being normal. I just had been too tired lately to be me. Plus at nearly 2am the other night I was talking to my brother. And when we talk the best of me comes out. And once I get going it can take days before I can revert to basic human interactions. You see we talk about really important things. So instead of me trying to make up words that will be less accurate to reality I am going to overload you reality. BAM!

Who else wakes up to dinosaurs? That was only the first of many..

Dont worry, I keep my taxdermied squirrels in my purse or my pocket so I can pet them when I am lonely. I miss this guy more than anything in the freaking world. I dont know what I would do without weekly skype dates and imessaging.

Our Unisolated Isolated Experiences

It often feels like our experiences are isolated. At least to me. I think things like how no one could ever understand because it didnt happen to them this way. But I think as individual as our experiences are they are also relatable to a degree I cannot explain. We are less alone than we think. And I am not referring to UFO's. I was reminded this by my beautiful mother this afternoon. I had picked up the phone out of longing and desperation. Frustration at feeling like I had accomplished nothing that mattered and that everyone else had what mattered and yet couldnt seem to see it. I know that we are so short sighted and it is easier to see things in someone else. But it was one of those moments when I wanted to scream. To admit that I would give anything to be a mother and yet feel constantly reminded that there is a chance that will never be me. And for some reason the more time that goes by the more fears I create. And irrespective of that I have just felt so overwhelmed and alone and like I have had no outlet. So I phoned home. I thought of how ET must of felt and how hard it would have been. Sometimes home seems far away.

And somehow home can provide a comfort that I forget exists. The words were full of life experience, of faith so much stronger than my own, of pride in my achievements and of love. Sometimes I just need to hear that I am not just about to jump off a cliff to my own death. So as much as I am realizing that time is short and I have so much to do and see and live in this place I also am trying to remember that I need to make the most of this and not waste my time being stressed or else I will move away with regrets.

Perhaps I wont find someone that understands what it feels like to give up something sure in a place you like to go back to the place you ran away from, the place that still holds pain and scarring. But I am mostly sure I will find people that understand how hard leaving can be and that know growing up is hard. And maybe that is all I need. Maybe sometimes all we need is to know that someone cares, not that someone knows the exact feelings of dispair lurking within. And today all it took was the love and faith of one person that pushed me back to a place of courage while walking into the dark instead of the fear that comes with being prodded off a plank.

But Can You Tell Me Now, You're The Lucky One

The fatal flaw seems to be the inability to see more than the moment. To not be aware of the big picture. To be so caught up in self destruction to not realize how lucky we are. At least that seems to be my most constant battle. I mean I can corpse up really nice but I cant seem to coordinate my life. I am getting so caught up in everyone having these futures lined up so nicely. They all either seem to have their career or their spouse and or child. And I look and realize I dont have any of that. I am about to graduate and am one of the few that doesnt have a job and it is my own fault. And because of that I am so becoming so unaware of how lucky I am. I want to say that I feel like I have the world at my feet, but I feel like it is on my shoulders and as everyone seems to point out, I am not very strong. I just hope that I can stop being so blind and self centered before I let everything come crashing down. Somewhere deep down I know I should be able to tell you I am a lucky one, but today those words just arent on my tongue.

Bad Times Always Seem to Last

It is literally 2:22 and 22s. At least it was when I started that sentence. And yet the matching numbers brought no smile. This was supposed to be moments of me faking chirpyness during a 2am interview. This was me supposed to be me getting a job and a future and having it all work. I wasnt even optimistic, I just wanted a chance. I should have known the fact that I am not registered there yet would mean they wouldnt even think of me. I just assumed since they bothered to set up an interview that meant something. It just meant interrupted sleep and dashed hopes.

Each day seems more trying. I feel like I have given up so much this week and absolutely nothing has come in return. All I can do is second guess. But it feels to late to change my mind and I know I made my choice for a reason. I just never could have imagined how draining this all could be. I am unsure if I could feel like my life is less stable. Even my halloween costume hasnt arrived. It is as if the world is just repeatedly punching me in the face and I have no idea why.

I am so sure that this all feels worse than it is because it looks like I gave up a possibly really good job for knowing that I will have nothing. And I hate myself a little bit for being able to do so. For trying to make the right choice. I just need something to go right to remind me that it is going to be okay. I just need a reminder that this isnt going to last.

Collision Is Such An Ugly Sound

I don't like to see collisions or be a part of it. I mean who would choose to participate in a crash? Not me. I prefer my windows to remain in one piece and for my lashes not to be whipped. And maybe this stems from seeing a traumatic accident during my youth. Regardless, the mere thought of a collision makes my eyes scrunch up and my ears want to close. And yet I feel like I am in the middle of crashes I created.

I knew this was going to be hard. I just didnt think it would be this hard. I didnt expect to have moments where it would feel like I had just walked off the plank moments too soon. I dont understand why life has to punch you in the face when you already are walking away. I suppose I deserve it. I did say that I would rather be punched in the face than given flowers. So there it was.

I dont think I want to actually be punched in the face. I just feel so defensively independent and scared. So much is changing. And I am worried that I am falling behind the eight ball. So I am colliding with myself. I am just letting all of those deep thoughts I dont say come screaming out into each other. And it is resulting in frustration. I understand why my dear patient cried today out of frustration. Wanting something and not being able to make it happen in the way you want is disheartening.

I just need to take a step back. But I dont have time to waste. So instead I just waste even more time arguing within my inner monologue. I need to just make things happen. To maximize this time. To sleep. To see what everyone else can see.  I need to walk away from the collision I felt I created and hold my head up high and be proud of where I am at instead of yearning for a life that someone else lives. Today life felt hard.

My Discomfort With Your Salty Water

The tears are stalking me. It is like there is an unknown being that recognizes my extreme aversion to those salty drops and therefore tries to place as many dripping areas as possible into my current existence. It appears that none of the others have any patients that leak and yet far too many of mine do. And not because I am awful, usually just because they are overwhelmed. And I probably would feel the same if I was them. I just have to admit that I am not fond of these moments. And it isnt because I think people should never cry. I just know that if I am crying something is truly burdening my soul and I hate that feeling so when I think that must be someone else than my heart starts breaking for them and I just want to pull out a little needle and thread and try and stitch them back together. So I swear I dont hate tears because I am heartless, I hate them because they make my heart hurt. My goal is to go through this whole week without tears finding their way into my life. But I know it wont happen because I work with people that have a reason to cry and burdens I cant entirely lift. So maybe I should wish that their tears didnt break my heart so much.

I Must Look Like I Am Running Away To You At Your Faster Pace

If you could only slow down long enough to realize I am finally stopping. I am no longer running from everything. I am coming to terms with reality and creating a beautiful future of my own. It isn't running away when you are running to something. It is gracefully leaving. At least that is what I am telling myself. I can only hope that others will feel the same and be as receptive. I already have caused tears and I feel so bad. I didnt mean to upset anyone. I know I will cry but I didnt want anyone else to. Now I am apprehensive about shedding light on it all this week. But the truth is talking a lot is still just talk and that wont change it. I bought a one way flight. It is real. I am finally going to stop running and go home. It is time for me to face the reality that I tried to hide from and I honestly am really excited because I think that this is an important step towards me being able to move on. This place has been a most lovely escape but the truth is that I came here to escape. And no one can run forever. Not happily. So I can only admit that I feel a sense of relief knowing that I have matured and been able to make a proper decision. So I hope you can slow down enough to see that I am not running away.

If Ben Gibbard Knew Me

I am mostly sure my dear friend Ben Gibbard wrote this song about me. It will likely be my theme song for probably the rest of my life, and your life also, incase you live longer and need a song to remember me by.

You see I often wish I was named my middle name not my real name, but because I decided that too late in life I have felt I couldn't ask to be called by it. So only one person uses it, but I secretly wish everyone used it instead. It would be so much better than most nicknames I find myself having so I don't know why I can't find a system to implement this.

Regardless, I am regressing, the point is Ben wrote a solo album. That album came out today. And this one song is exactly what I want a boy to sing for me. And it's not one where someone even has to change a name or anything. It just is perfect. And I am obsessed with it. And I am nearly sure that Ben wrote it about me. That would make sense.

Disclaimer: you cannot hold me responsible for any obsession that occurs from listening to this. Onward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak9q7RZRSgc

ADDIT

I feel amiss having not included this in my previous post. So here it is. Plus in patient notes I write an addit when I forget something so I find it is a completely acceptable way of adding information that was previously missed.

I have realized that although feeling unwell has not been my highlight the last few months if it wasnt for that I would never have considered option two. And if I hadnt considered option two I wouldnt have even dreamed of option three. So in reality I feel really grateful that I was put in a position where I had to look outside the small diorama that I created my life in to see that there was something more. It reminds me that the Lord is so mindful of every little part of our lives.

A Decision Without An Eight Ball

I have felt tormented with choices. Felt a paralyzing inability to choose. I felt like there were enough pros and cons to make both options as miserably happy as you can imagine. So when I was inspired to think of a third option I wanted to punch myself in the face. I thought "Lauren, you idiot, if you cannot decide between two things then adding a third is the most miserable solution!" But then I thought. And realized option three was everything I wanted. It was the best of both worlds. And so I made three pros and cons charts, thankgoodness I have a book of premade pros and cons charts (and no I didnt make it, I was given it as a gift). So off I went. And option three had the most pros.

So I made three choices. I texted two people. One seriously. One hypothetically. Then I went for a run to clear my head. Then I facebooked a third. The one person that I for some reason felt could help make it a reality. She is a young mother I have looked up to since before she even got married. I remember the day before she left for her wedding I told her that if she came back and was one of those weird married people I would never speak to her again. I wasnt joking. She came back normal. And ever since then I have wanted a marriage like hers. Needless to say, I really love this girl. So I asked for her help. And somehow just knowing that she would support me and at least peek around a few corners made it all seem real.

I know exactly what I want to do. And the thought makes me really happy. I just hope that I can make it a reality. With fingers crossed.

Never Grow Up

I thought if I closed my eyes I would be able to envision my future. What I want to happen next. But that has never worked for me. And in a way that scares me. I cant picture the things that are reality. I can only ever seem to imagine the things that are too far out of my reach. Like lying in a meadow with a unicorn. And somehow that doesnt lend a vine when I am being engulfed in the murky bog that is my life.

I think Peter Pan had it right when he decided to never grow up. I wish I was in Neverland. Then I wouldnt be in this bog. And I definitely wouldnt be overwhelmed with decisions that actually matter. I dont know how grown ups do it. Working out finances, debts, career options and the expenses entailed is so frustrating and awful. It if like choosing to poke yourself in the eye repeatedly and even though you know it is the worst you just keep going.

And it seems like every time I get close to figuring it out I realize that I have actually missed 97.24735893425 percent of the picture and actually have no idea what the heck is suitable. I can see the grains of sand slipping through the glass and recognize that the time is running thin but I cant seem to sort it out. I just feel so inadequately knowledgeable and see no options that is maximal. The solution isnt clear. Sacrifices will have to be made. I just do not feel ready to sacrifice anything. I want too much. And I feel like what I am asking for isnt too much, it just isnt feasible. So I think I am going to try and be grown up and wait until next week when hopefully a gap or two of blank information lines is filled and then make a choice. And that choice will likely be finding a way to Neverland.

I Must Not Have Found It Yet

If I had it myself I wouldnt pine for theirs. So I must not have found it yet. I wouldnt care so much about fictional characters in televisions shows falling in love if I had a love like theirs. So this must be why I just die when Chuck and Blair seem to be falling apart or when Wade and Zoey can't seem to get things right. Gah! I just feel like if television can so easily portray true longing and connection then it must be capable in real life. I just can't rely on television to tell me how it happens and that is exactly where I get caught up. I just wish I had a handbook on it all. One that said exactly where to wander to at least have that cute meet that leads to a rocky road of eternal bliss.

Magic Eight Ball Humans

All my thoughts are scattered lately. It's is like my mind is constantly playing a combination of scrabble and boggle at the same time, and well, no one can win at that game. So all I can really do is vomit out the words I think of as it seems to be the only type of vomit this little body is capable of.

I sought advice from two different sources today. Both experts per-say in their respective fields. One educated and one in religion. I was looking for separate information and it all has turned out so backwards. I thought I knew what the medicine man would say. He has left me with a sense of speechlessness as all I can do is process the thoughts he laid forth. And then I was expecting something vague from the religious leader and yet heard something so definite. I wonder if my thoughts guided his. Or if I just wanted verification. Either way both responses were not what I expected. Humans are so like magic eight balls, unpredictable.

I think that if I had a magic eight ball right now it would be telling me that the next few weeks are setting a stage for change. I think it is almost time to test out my wings and leave the best, but I already know there will be a lot of falling involved so am hesitant to take that first plunge. But as I am only human I must admit I can be as unpredictable as those beloved magic eight balls so who knows what is about to transpire.

I Hate The Way I Love You

Truth is I dont know that I could love someone more. And that someone could know all of me and care as much as you. And that is only one of the reasons I can sit here writing about how much I hate loving you. I hate it so much it makes me want to jump on my bed and scream and throw my dinosaur pillow at the wall. I may in fact do that minus the screaming as I wouldnt want to draw attention to myself, although the scent of my freshly baked banana bread may drown out any other actions I perform this evening.

How is it possible that you can meet someone and from that moment feel a connection? To have instant trust. To have a bond that seems umbreakable despite all of the cities and countries we continually place between us. To be able to pick up a phone after months and have nothing change. To be so secure in ourselves that there is never any question. Except the only question. The one that we exchange in questioning my religion and your lack of. I have filled pages of journals about you. Wasted so much voice expresssing my frustration to close ones. And yet none of it matters because I cant sit here and say we werent. We arent. All I can write is how regardless of the years and the distance and our lives I wonder if I could ever love anyone more. We havent even given it a shot. Purposely. I keep moving countries. You keep having plans. We keep being individual. And it always brings us back to the same place.

I wonder if at this point you can even deny it? No one else can. Our coworkers knew before we did. Even the people that I thought wouldnt see it say they do. We arent just passing humans. You have changed my life. You make me a better person. You are everything I could ever want except for one thing. How can one person be so perfect and yet possibly so perfectly wrong? And how can I feel all of this screaming in my ears when I havent seen you in so long and when someone else brings me flowers? How can I be so confused and lost and yet appear so put together.

I need to know you love me back so we can both hate this as much as I do. I hate the way I dont know how to stop loving you.

The Tightrope

Balance is a fine line. It is an act that the world creates almost seamlessly although the effects of it are rippled and feel like earthquakes. Today's mail rang this true more than ever. I had two items. Both shockingly unexpected. One was a letter saying my tax return has to be verified and I may not get my money for another 2.5 months if it is verified. Good thing I was counting on that three and a half grand they took from my pockets, awesome. The other was a gift certificate for a lavish gluten free website from someone that was a big part of my past for such a short time. An incredibly thought and unnecessary gift that came out of a preordered birthday gift that recently hit his doorstep. It was just so thoughtful when nothing was expected. And to arrive the same day as the blow of my taxes just somehow made the world seem right. That and the three gazillion other thoughts in my mind battling as they are all so contrary. There is a balance that wants to be had but I cant believe how contrary everything seems to be to create that equilibrium.

I need to take my turn and walk across this tightrope but I am so scared of falling I dont want to take the first step.

Like Walking Off A Cliff, Knowingly

There is not another description for it. It is like I know exactly what I am about to do but not really knowing what is to come after the fall. Yet in a way it doesnt seem like a choice. Not like I thought it would. I expected to have two platters brought to me. Both full of the most succulent meals you can imagine. Ones that would literally make your mouth water. And then I would be able to choose which one but also I imagined  myself being able to take the best of both worlds. My imagination can be so selfish sometimes apparently. And sadly when it comes to reality what I imagine is often so far from fact.

So here I am. I think I know what I need to do. And knowing is so much worse that not knowing. Maybe because I havent been struck by lightening so dont feel like it is a for sure. I dont know why I want a punch in the face to verify each large decision. But I do. So please punch me in the face. Or just let me know if this is right. Because either way I can see people giving me sad faces and either way I have to make a choice that is so much harder than I thought. And now that I think I have an answer I am scared that I am too weak to follow through. I just know it is going to be hard. And that discomfort and lack of ease is going to hit as soon as I decide and put things into action. I just wanted an easy path this turn.

I hope that someone is waiting to catch me at the bottom of this because I am afraid I am about to walk off the ledge and realized there is nothing there.

Black Pearls, A Lace Dress, And An Apron

There is something about that combination that makes me feel sophisticated, classy, like a housewife. And perhaps that is what I was tonight. I planned and cooked and delivered that small Thanksgiving. It was awkward when it came to the words I should speak and introductions and entertainment. But that has to be expected with my personality and charm. It went well though. Everyone attended. Everyone remembered their dish. There was laughter and it all went off like a well oiled machine. And I ate. I sat there in my little flirty apron and ate a proper meal, and I felt like it was Canadian Thanksgiving like I used to have in America. It felt normal. Familiar. Something I have down to a science of some sort. A family holiday I have traditionally had on my own these last chunk of years. I suppose traditions have to be started somehow and I have come to do that on my own as I havent had a chance to live in theirs lately. It was nice though. It was a really nice evening. But there is a clear sense of relief as I take the pearls off and think of slipping into a warm shower. It went well but I am glad it's over.



So why do I feel so fulfilled and yet so empty at the same time?

The Place Where People Go To Die

Apartment twelve. It was not a place I had been before. I had never even ventured up the stairs in the past eighteenish months. I didnt know what it was like. I still havent ventured high enough for the top half of the building to exist in my mind. But this time we all wandered up. It was an open house. And why not see what these places are valued at?

We walked in and it smelled like an old lady. I am saying this only to give you the complete picture. It had the muskyness and had carpet, something foreign to our feet these days. The art was old and the place was bare but not in a pristine clean way, in an unlived way. And then we all seem to know. Someone must have died there. That was why they were selling the unit. Two floors up and possibly a ghost roaming. There are plenty of older people in our building so it wasnt a surprise. Just a thought that we chose to call realization.

Needless to say we do not feel the need to move upstairs, at least not while we plan on living. It felt like more the type of place you grow old and die.

My Sweet Home Alabama

I don't know if an event sparked it or I just found the roots the rest of my family knew about all along. Regardless, here I am standing on a train listening to an emo-pop band singing a twangy country song and I am loving it. Who doesn't want a sweet home Alabama? A song? Lets just be honest. There is something about country songs that screams home, and love and security. How can you not want to toss on a flannel and your boots and sing by a campfire? Maybe I have been in the city too long. Maybe that dose of fresh air did more than wreck havoc on my lungs. Maybe I am a little homesick for some classic Calgary cowboy life. Or maybe I just need a good dose of my siblings country music to reground me.

"I Would Sell You Out Like A Prostitute"

I am glad that people think my skills as a physiotherapist are comparable to prostitution. I mean in the fact that I should be in high demand. If only employers knew that. Actually I dont know if I mean that. I know that my peers are starting to get job offers. Plans are being made. And I am not scared that I dont have an offer yet. I am scared that I will get an offer. If someone offers me a job then I have to make a choice. I have to commit to something. And lately any form of commitment seems impossible.

I feel like I have regressed in a sense. I used to be the most noncommital person ever. I was too independent to put my name next to anything. I would do exactly as I pleased and that was that. It wasnt something up for discussion. Then I became someone that felt more of a person with someone. I craved that feeling that someone else was there. That I wasnt alone. And now I have went back. It isnt like I am alone. There are people that actually want someone like me in their life. But right now it just feels complicated and difficult. I feel complicated and difficult. I feel so out of control of so much and because of that I just want to force my will on anything else that I can. I want to feel that I am in charge of something that matters.

So here I am. Being offered out like a prostitute by those that think I should be employed, and me only finding enough energy for a small laugh. So I shall wander the five feet towards my bed and curl up in a ball as I finish my necessary tasks then will attempt to sleep at the late hour of 7pm. I suppose this is why I feel the need to non commit. Because I cant control enough in my life to fulfill my commitments. I am tired of letting people down. I am tired of having to explain that although I am young and vibrant and fit that I just do not have the energy or strength for so much these days. I just want to refind my facade that gives off the strong, "I will fight you" vibe that hides my weakness. But I will have to look for that tomorrow as I am too tired now. I cant even commit to that. Something has to change.

Just A Thing That Takes Time

But it's mine to decide when and if I'll be alright. But that's just a thing that takes time.

It feels like it has been an eternity. I have a life here. One I created for myself from nothing. Some days it  feels like this is all I know. And other days I feel like I just walked off the plane. And because of these conflicting feelings I am at a loss. And I entirely know this isnt a decision for today, or tomorrow or even probably this week. I know it needs time. But I also recognize the timeframe is shrinking. It is like watching shrink art in the oven. All of a sudden it is done and you need to pull them out. A decision will have to be made. And the truth is I have no idea what I am going to do.

I know there are pros and cons for staying and going. I know that these are both internal and external. People could make arguments for days on either end. And both options are good. I just dont know what I want and what leads to the most correct path. And maybe the uncertainty is what is getting to me. I feel like a top waiting for that stop but instead everything is just going in slow motion and  I have no control.

I didnt think growing up would be full of so much uncertainty. I thought it would feel sure and strong. But this is just a thing that will take time and I need to just wait for what happens in the in between to guide I suppose a decision that will shape the next year if not many years to come.

The Aftersmoke

Smoke fills the nostrils with each breath. Fire cannot be seen. But it has to be somewhere to cause eyes to sting this way. It is widespread. It doesn't seem to matter how far it feels you travel. It just hangs there, heavily in the air. It feels like it is foreshadowing an ominous event instead of following one. Or perhaps it is only there for me. To represent the sheer confusion and smoke in my mind as I prod fires that have long since burned out.

It doesn't seem to matter how long ago the fires burned out. I seem to always feel compelled to wander back and see if I can spark anything. I grasp at every straw, hoping it will be the one. And when it isn't I abandon I til the next compulsion.

I can rationalize it all but the truth is it never leaves me making s'mores. It just leaves me feeling even colder than I was before. I wish I could just have a sense of finality when each fire runs its course and finally fades out to nothing. But I can't. So I will probably be breathing in the smoky air for a long time.

It Took Two

My eyes shot open. It was sudden. But nothing had happened. And it was not like opening them gave me sight. The lights were off. I was supposed to be trying to sleep. I wanted to sleep. But it hit like a bolt of lightening to the face. Except nothing had occurred. Besides one simple thought process. But apparently it was enough. I felt for a moment that you could have been someone I could have been happy with. I would write could but I dont even remember the last time I saw you. And the last time we spoke was before I left and I didnt change my plans for you. And I wont ever regret that.

I had forgotten so much. Likely purposely. But somehow tonight the memories decided to pour back. I first thought of that valentines day. I think it may actually be the only valentines day I have ever had a date. I was supposed to work and last minute I didnt. So you took me to a Monster Truck Rally. And you used to make me bets on everything, but somehow either way I would end up winning without actually having to do better than you on any of the exams. Like the time you had to watch It Takes Two. You were so unimpressed but secretly loved it. And your little nieces and nephews. I forgot how much I loved your family. And your truck. And those creepy frozen mice you would chase me with, they were the worst. It all has come rushing back so fast. I used to pretend we never existed because I was so angry. You were a douche that one time and it seemed to overshadow everything else. Even though so long after we used to just sit and talk on the phone about nothing when we werent even in the same country. I truly had forgotten it all.

I cant get over that intial moment of shock as my eyes shot open. What ridiculous thoughts. There is nothing there. It was lifetimes ago. But somehow I can see that condescending look you would give me while using a nickname you so avidly stuck with. I feel confused. Our paths very likely may never cross again. So I have no comprehension as to why tonight I cant seem to sleep and you magically have set up camp in a mind so exhausted it has no will to battle you out.

It took two of us to be such a disaster back then. But the truth is it was a really great disaster. And we both needed what came after it all. Somehow I want my reaching out to grasp something. To just clear out these relentless thoughts that make no sense. And perhaps these sentences will be the enema needed to wash you out, back to wherever you have lain dormant for so long. I cant help but to miss you tonight. But I want that missing to fade if it leads to nothing. i cant have longings that are fruitless. I know far too well where that leaves me. So why my mind has found you I do not know, but I hope it unfinds you soon.

Won't You Hold Me Now,I Will Not Bend, I Will Not Break

It was so many years ago now. Your friend didn't understand why you liked me because I came off so brash. Insensitive. Sarcastic. You tried to explain that I wasn't like that. And that I was shockingly vulnerable and soft, especially when night fell and fatigue would set in. In that sense not much has changed. I mean you have now been married for years and I know nothing of your life. It was a really long time ago. The world was different then. But I suppose some things never change.

The fatigue has set in. Earlier than it should in someone my age. But this has become routine. Along with the almost constant nausea. And as much as during the day I attempt wit and a strong front, when the evening hits I want nothing more than someone to hold me now. To hold me like they realize how much I feel weak and vulnerable I feel but at the same time in the way that they know I will never break.

I think the truth is I just want someone to hold me. Someone to be there at the end of days that feel long and somehow drain every last electrolyte from within. I want that warmth and strength that only another human can provide. Something beyond the power of each living breath. Perhaps if I feigned vulnerability and softness during normal hours it would be a more natural happening, but I cant help but to save such emotions for times of weakness. So wont you hold me now.

If I Gave You My Number, Would It Still Be The Same?

I cant help but to wonder. About everything. About imaginary things. About conversations that will never happen. About people I didnt even know existed until seven seconds ago. My mind runs rampant. It is like a wild horse running through the forest, untamable by the white man. Being white is a downer hey. But this isnt about how white I am. I just cant help the thoughts.

It seems like everything throws me on a tangent. I am amazed I actually get anything done in the day because of it. I just wonder about ships. And christmas songs. And why I dont sit down and spend more time reading about dinosaurs. And why with my glasses I see so poorly when its the same prescription as my contacts. And how I can see someone dozens of times and suddenly actually see them for the first time. I get lost wondering about others futures and about the stars and how the clouds are so intriguing. I just am so distractable.

That is what it all comes down to. Perhaps I am just looking for a distraction. I dont even feel bad admitting it. I suppose I recently find myself particularly avoidant of anything that seems real. I suppose I just feel that recently my life has been one car crash after another. Basically a constant flow of pile ups. And as much as I could say I wasnt ever hurt, I entirely was. I keep thinking things might be real when they are more imaginary than the monsters in my closet. They are so temporary but somehow I see it too late. It isnt until the airbags hit that I realize my delayed reaction time. So I cant help but wonder what if I gave you my number. I dont even know if I mean this specifically or not. I cant tell. I just know that as I sat there last night re-reading my journals from my time here I had so many questions unanswered and so much love that didnt last. How different could it all have been? How much would be changed if I just was more of who I want to be? What would happen if I had just saved you from drowning, would you promise never to leave? Maybe it's time for me to start thinking less and acting more.

Maybe you dont love me but you'll grow to love me even  more.

I Know Your Sad Even Though You Say That Your Not

Those aren't the words I thought I was about to write about. I suppose the whole song has lyrics worth writing paragraphs about. I am almost certain I have previously used several lines from it before actually. So when I actually opened the page to start laying down words I was surprised at the thought process that was actually occurring in my mind.

I had thought about sending a courtesy email the past few days. I hadn't though. I suppose it was my mind preparing me to receive an email. At least it wasn't preempted by a night full of tearful and fearful dreams like it usually is. I wasn't surprised though when I found it in my inbox during one of my middle of the night wake ups. I ignored it for a few hours, til it was a wake up closer to really waking up.

The words were meaningless. Just words. Sentences. I felt nothing. They seemed insignificant. I can honestly say I don't know what was behind them. Was it venting? Or just a release? Or an attempt at connecting? You should know by now the meaning was lost on me. It was lost so long ago. I suppose an obligatory response will be required. But the truth is I want you to recognize how sad and lonely you are. I want you to see the pain you created and the mistakes you made. I want you to see it so you can go back to who you were. But that might be beyond the scope of real life. You may not admit you are sad but I know you are.

Lion Heart

I feel that is my goal. To have a heart like a lion. I want to be less calloused. More sincere. Kinder. Less judgmental.  Everyone knows I lack a filter. Thoughts become words before I even realize they are thoughts. If I had a band I would call it Lion Heart. I wish I had a band. I would play keyboard, triangle and tambourine. I just feel that lions are brave beyond belief but also so tender, loving, nurturing. It sounds incorrect but in a way I dont want to lose myself in this endeavor. I appreciate my sarcasm, ability to banter and the absurd things that I hear coming from my mouth. I enjoy shock and awe. I like forcing people to an edge creating thoughts from nothing. But deep down I want it all to be backed by a purer heart. I want to let go of the unnecessary spite and anger I so easily find dwelling in my caves. I want to be so much more. To feel more alive. To make a real difference. I want a lion heart.

A Sense of Heat I Couldn't Bare to Touch

It has begun again. It never really ended though. It had now been multiple years since I have slept through the night. I don't even know what it feels like to wake up rested. But somehow it is back to the worst sense of it all. I don't mind the nightmares if they just come, wake me, and go. At least at some point I feel like I have slept. This is back to it taking ages for me to fall asleep, regardless of how tired I am and what I take. And then it never feels like I fall asleep, ever. It is like closing my eyes but being able to open them at any time. Like I am pretending to sleep to pass the time. The time passes with unconventional dreams. It is like reality but never happy, just twisted situations. Ones where I always fail. And it is almost as if I can just open my eyes at any time and take a break from it as it isn't real sleep. But the second I close them again the scenario unpauses and it all begins again. A painful, cyclical pattern that refuses to be broken. And it is all for no reason. There is no explanation. So here I am, avoiding sleep, because being awake yet sleepy seems better than trying to force myself into a sleep that wont occur.

The Other Side Of The Frame

Outwardly I have always tended to exude more of a cool independent picture. Someone that needs no one. Strong enough to handle anything. The world at my feet. A face that can stand alone. How often do we actually let people see what is behind it all though? I dont often. Except for those few people that have seen all sides I try to keep up the picture that would sit in a frame.

The truth is I am bored of being independent and alone. I want to have someone to share these obscure new bands I find filling my ears. I want the smell of freshly baked cookies to warm someone else's insides. I want to plan my life with more than just what I think in mind. And as  much as I like to pretend I dont like dress up or attention I so badly want a wedding. I know it is all coming out because of massive insecurity and watching every person I love filling that finger with a ring and laying claim to another human. But regardless of their lives, I just want that for me. And when I see little babies and children of course I stare. I dont want a kid today. I am not that crazy. But I want a home with a fireplace and a library and a bearskin rug and a kitchen full of cookies and a backyard for future children. I want that grown up life of love. I want more than just a job that pays the  bills.

So maybe my impending interviews wont fill the void I am feeling. I wanted to believe the anxiety I have been feeling is just about trying to get a real grown up job. But I think that is wrong. I think it is because I am so incredibly scared I wont meet the one. And I know that the older I get the more I know exactly what I want which is just making it seem even  more impossible. And it makes me want to stop caring about the stupid things I think I need in a relationship but then I dont want to compromise because I refuse to be with someone that isnt right. I know divorce too well and that will not be me. So maybe I just need to try and be more patient. Or maybe I just need an arranged marriage.

This Place Has Become To Stagnant

My head isnt in the game. If this was baseball I would be the kid in the outfield looking for four leaf clovers, completely oblivious to the fact that a ball was coming hurtling toward my head. I am not sure why. I need a change.  I need something drastic and exciting. Something poorly thought out. I need to be woken up. To rise out of this complacency. I just need to get out of the boredom that has arisen in my head. Or perhaps it is just out of the fatigue that has taken over. Either way, I need something. And sooner rather than later, before I start missing opportunities. I wish Tyra would come give me a crazy makeover.

Stars: The North

Blue Vinyl. How could I resist? I am a therapeutic shopper. I have no problem admitting it. It isnt the best outlet but I suppose it could be worse. Heroin would be worse. So would binge eating. So I may not be doped up or fat but I am poor from this. Now that I think about it poor seems better than the two alternatives I first imagined. I suppose it isnt that bad. Plus I have a new record.

I am so overwhelmed by life. And as I realized that and wondered where to turn I realized that is basically why I have this. So I can write whatever I want. And I am sure in a few days I will look back and read this and think of dramatic this all is in my head. But if I dont write it now I will have nothing to look back on and laugh at my insecurity and immaturity, so here I go.

Life is knocking on my door. Or more like banging on my window while I try and sleep. It expects so much. It wants decisions made. I dont feel ready to make those decisions. I just started applying because I knew I had to get the snowball started before it all melted. So I started. I wasnt expecting in 48 hours to have heard back about three plausibilities. Maybe I will have options. Options are good. But am I ready to make a decision? Do I even know what country to be in for the next year? Does it matter what I think? Will I make a choice and then be forced to go back on my word due to outside influences? And will reality be that I end up with nothing? Maybe these are platters of false hope being served up to my naivety.  There is so little I know. And so many questions. More than I can imagine answers for. And amidst it all I realize I just feel so under the weather. I wish Mrs Minnetta was here. The I could at least go in her flying car and skip out on life for a day or two. Or was it every other friday? It has been awhile. I think the best option is to put the blue vinyl on and finish that captivating book you lent me. I shall have to peruse your library again, I am impressed.

Everything is going to be okay. I just need to get my head above water long enough to regain my breath before I get pulled under again.

My Extravagance

Patient: (detouring from my questions, flips his paper open) "I saw the craziest thing, pen of the year, $4500! Who would pay that much? My pen is $1300 now but I got it for $800, I wouldnt have paid $1300 for it, thats too much. (patient pulls out fancy pen)

Me: ( looks at pen using to write in patients chart) "I found my pen on the ground somewhere."

I didnt know people ever spent that much money on things like pens. I have my certain pens I do love, they cost less than $1.00 a piece. And sometimes I just use the pens I find. Okay, that is most of the time. How little I fit into that mans world. I cant even imagine it. 

Lately I have imagined what being grown up is like. To have my own house. To buy things like couches and bookshelves. I want to have a library. It would be full of records and books and it would have a fireplace and a grizzly bear skin rug. It would be the best room ever. As much as I will never understand paying $800 for a pen, I kinda want to reach a point where I have grown up things.

Choosing My Own Adventure Book

Perhaps it is a power struggle. Like the wolf analogy. They are battling inside but I wouldn't say this is the typical good vs evil struggle. It seems more like a here or there. Both have pros and cons. Both appear to have an army behind them. Yet neither seem to want to say its up to me. It makes me want to just move somewhere new all together. I know how to settle in and make a home for myself. And let's fade it, I like freedom. Some could call it procrastination but I would rather call it living my life. Maybe the wolves should battle each other and leave me out of it. I don't want their influence. I want to make my own choice. And I will. So spare me the dramatics of why your place is best for me. I am old and grown up and whatever choice I make will be good and that's what matters. Thank you all for caring but this isn't a choose my adventures for me sort of thing, it's a book where I will choose them and probably get turned around heaps but I am okay with that.

A Little Self Discovered Neurosis

I may be neurotic. I didn't even realize it til now. This is what happens when I have excessive public transit time and forget my book on my bedside table. It just evaded my memory at the right time. So here I am, staring at the cement that encloses this part of the busway, listening to my friend t.swift. She probably reads this so I thought I better holla at her. So as I sit and stare I find myself thinking, not about anything but about everything. When do I do this when I remember my books? I don't. At least not enough. No wonder sometimes I feel scattered. I need more quiet, alone, thinking time. And by alone I just mean alone in my head. I wish my inner monologue took vacations more often. That would simplify this all.

So back to the bus sitting. Somehow it crossed my mind that I might be neurotic. Possibly because I realized I am listening to t.swift this week because I listened to Kanye sooo much last week, including my run, so I feel an inner desire to balance it out. And somehow with their whole public drama ordeal they seem to counteract each other on my musical weigh scales. It's like how I feel guilty listening to songs that appear over represented on my iTunes. Or how I hate having to sit somewhere different. I like the same place on the bus, or at a desk or a table. I like routine. I like personal space and cannot comprehend how others feel the need to invade these beautifully ordered things. Humans are not orderly enough for me sometimes. Or maybe I am just a bit neurotic and need to learn to step away from my preciseness in some things.

58.31 With A Full Bladder

The clothes are changed. The laces are tied. The headphones are placed in. The watch is looking for a satellite to track me. It is never until a km or few has passed that I remember the important things. Like taking my inhaler or drinking water. I always get home in one piece though so it seems as if they dont matter. So I continue on. However, since this was for a time I thought I should prepare. I drank water and vitamin water and took my inhalers. I regret it. I had to pee from the starting line up until two hours later when I finally found my way home. I understand dehydration  but I definitely wont pre drink my water before future escapades.

This isnt really about bladder control. I am not sure what it is about. I think I just want to acknowledge I managed to start and finish something. This week I have been so down and out. Not in a depressed or sad way though. I just feel so out of control in regards to my health. And the deja vu of it scares me. The whole weekend has been me trying to find energy to do anything and sleeping as much as possible hopped up on painkillers. How am I supposed to be prepared for tomorrow when I cant even stay awake? I fear that I am going into this week even more tired than I would have been without a weekend. Lets hope I can sleep now and wake up early to study, or tomorrow may not bring the success I felt this morning as my feet pounded the pavement.

Swiss Army Romance

I expect rocks to be something immovable. But then who hasn't heard of rock slides? Exactly. That makes me think of the frank slide, I don't really remember anything about it to be completely honest. I just remember making a slide show about the different types of rocks and erosion and that having something to do with it. I likely only remember this because I hated that teacher. He was the creepiest person I had ever met. He may actually still hold that title. I will ponder that.

The thing here is that even the things that appear stagnant aren't. We can't always rely on things to never change. And let me admit, I am not always the biggest fan of change. I like familiarity. I do enjoy the unknown and occasionally pushing small boundaries but generally I live in the  areas clearly marked as my territory. So as I sat on this bus letting music all too reminiscent full my ears I found myself deeper in thought than usual for a post long day bus ride.

The thoughts began with the lyrics "turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten". If you aren't immediately filled with mass memories of this album I wonder if you grew up in a dark cave. This album, this man, wrote so much that has been a soundtrack to my life. To being a teenager and going to college. To growing up. And somehow listening to his words from so long ago just illuminates change. I used to think I knew what love was. I used to know everything about what made a relationship work. It included a lack of emotion and complete stubbornness. I sure was a smart kid. Those poor boys that suffered through that. But this is far less serious than that. This is about all the little things I am realizing that have changed in me and my perspective and my ability to love.

I suppose I expected what I looked for to be stagnant. To follow a pattern. To be obvious. It would be solid. I would be solid and strong. I would not falter. But the more I have lived the more I can see how my facade was only a cheap Halloween mask that proved I was weaker than imaginable . I was a rock slide waiting to happen, or maybe one happening. Both are possible. Through the dust I can't be sure.

Maybe it is all about falling in love when you're ten. Appreciating the small things. Having that friendship and the things in common to bring you together. I know this will seem petty but last night as I was enraptured by several bands and their updates and the beauty  of music I realized that it is insanely important to me to have someone that gets that. I need someone that can see how a line in a song can change so much. And how albums change lives. And I cant help but want someone that can skateboard. It is not my fault if it that is just an insanely attractive form of transportation. And I want to say these little things dont matter. But they do. I can find the big things in people, sometimes, but without the little things it all seems so irrelevant. I want that swiss army romance. One I didnt use to believe existed. I think these last few years have changed everything besides my foundation. I suppose that is all that lasts in a rock slide anyways.

Is That Too Much To Ask?

Have waters I have waded in been murkier? I am not sure. The stunning clarity contrasts the murkiness leaving me more confused than ever. It is as if for once I know where my life is going but it has never been less clear. It has me reaching into the waters trying to clear it which only makes it murkier. I dont even know where to go from here. Well I do, so that is a lie. I know the only place I will find clarity. I just dont have the schedule to be able to go in this week. Perhaps sitting outside will be enough for something. But I dont know. Something just isnt sitting right, and every time this happens it means that something unexpected is coming. And knowing that scares me. I think this isnt about to play out the way I imagined. I suppose all I can do is continue on this path until the boulder falls and crushes me which would clearly show that it was the wrong path. Or maybe I have the option of staying at this fork and straddling the paths just a little bit longer.

The reality of it all is that I am happy with either option that may be plausible. No options exist in reality, yet. But I know I will have options. I just dont want my decision to be chosen for me again. It just feels unfair thinking that the murkier water could just be my health choosing for me. I dont want to have to go back because of that. I will resent it. I want to go back on my own terms. I just hope that whatever is about to come understands that. I will go back, I will stay here. I am more than happy with either. I just want to make the choice for myself. Is that too much to ask?

Of All The Gin Joints

I wish it was a gin joint. And in black and white. That would have been dramatic. It was just a chapel though. Not dramatic. And we were in colour. Well you were in black and white mostly. But in a way when I turned and saw your handsome face it was like a movie, a really lame one no one would watch, but a movie none the less. Your timing is impeccable. Of course today would be the day I see you. The one connection on this continent to the boy I have tried so hard to forget. Thanks for the slap in the face. Just kidding. It was a warm embrace.

It is strange how fate plays its hand. Yes, I do believe in fate. I believe in something so much greater than me. I know there is a plan much grander than my thoughts of whether or not to run tomorrow. I know someone sees a picture larger than my tiny little viewfinder that only sees the little pictures one at a time when I put in the disc and click from one to another. And fate probably isnt the right word but I accept that fact and use it anyways.

So there you were. The tiny thread that somehow ties it all together. You remind me how much I miss him. It just shocked me that this weekend happened to be the one you show up after well over a year. The weekend I find myself thinking of our mutual friend. I feel like someone up there is having a chuckle over my confusion and wonder at what the heck is going on. First it is in my head, then there are humans. Next thing you know I will be knocking on your door, on the other side of the world, in a place I left a long time ago. I think I am realizing I have to go back and find real closure. Or maybe not closure, maybe I just miss a place that was my home for so long. That seems reasonable. How could I not find my mind flooded with memories when I actually see someone real that knows about anything I miss so much. Maybe this all makes more sense than I thought.

A Most Nonsensical and Lacking Coaster

It should have been a roller coaster. One full of so many highs and the accompanying lows. But it wasnt. Perhaps it was built wrong. Or perhaps it was closed for the day. That seems most likely. Entirely closed. Not even open for maintenance. Yet it was moving. Moving along the empty track. Going through the motions without any real purpose. Just following the expected track as it should. However, with its emptiness it wasnt noting each raise or dip, it was doing nothing more than moving, mechanically, almost robotic like.

Welcome to the inner workings of me today. There has been so much silence yet I didnt realize it because my inner monologue has been screaming so loud, it's deafening, constant chatter has taken over. I didnt even realize how much so until you asked what I was thinking and I realized I was gone. There should have been emotion. But it was all so misplaced. I just felt disconnected. Like I was watching a foreign movie I didnt understand, not like I was living my own life. I dont know what happened. I dont know if I just opened my eyes. Or maybe I just am still broken and cant handle simplicity. I really am unsure. All I recognize was the ease and lack of emotion. I am sorry. Maybe I just need to be alone for awhile.

Inside My Head

I often think of how clever someone must be to escape from a penetentary. What a feat. To be able to get out of something that should be secure fascinates me. I dont condone this behaviour in the sense that I dont want criminals just like chilling next to me as I drink white hot chocolate and read my zen book, but I am fascinated. This awareness of my fascination appeared as I realized how epic it would be if I could escape my own head. I am my own worst enemy. By a long shot. It is like the moment my brain gets a sense of security or plausible happiness it begins to create tiny bombs. Ones that are volatile and go off at any time.

I realized this as you crossed my mind. In a major way. I would say you have been the subject of too many of these posts but that doesnt mean you wont keep reappearing. You are like the re-aliving bug, but only in the sense that once I think I have quelled you, you reappear. It has been a really long time. Long enough that I could have gotten pregnant and had a baby, twice, with time in between. That is ages. But somehow it comes back to you. Maybe you have become my baseline. Not you when we dated. You when I left. The person I said goodbye to. I want to say you ruined me. But you have been there through everything, and no other person has. And maybe that is why. But why isnt what matters. What matters is that the moment I think I could be happy I have to compare everything to you and then I am full of answerless questions and longing and so much more. I think of the long talks and the passion and the absolute ridiculousness of it all and how it, we, are a massive train wreck. Yet this doesnt deter the thoughts. It doesnt stop me from second guessing the now. Am I still stuck on you? I thought I got over all of those feelings an exceptionally long time ago. Was I wrong? Or am I just scared? Scared that something different isnt something right. Or is reality that you created a baseline I dont want to sink under and now I have to carefully measure everything to see where it stands? I am not sure. All I know is that somehow you have invaded my brain. For no apparent reason. And it makes me wish I could escape, like a criminal busting out of prison quietly in the night.

Saturday on Friday

Maybe this is what days off are like for grown ups. If so I don't understand lawyers as they never seem to get days off and lets be honest, two Saturdays in a row is a really amazing thing. Made more magnificent if it isn't a public holiday as those mean nothing is open. It isn't even like I did something crazy to make it an ultra Saturday Friday. It just has been amazing and it is only dinner time. Days off are my new favorite thing.

Perhaps it is those moments you actually have to breathe. Or the opportunity to actually check things off a to do list instead of just adding to it. Or maybe the freedom it gave me to last minute step up and teach. Whatever it was, it was amazing. I think now that I live almost as a grown up I appreciate these things more. Before when all I did was uni I just assumed I would always have the freedom to just do errands. But real life kinda isn't like that. It actually requires planning. And who knew sleeping in til 830 would feel so scandalous. What is happening to me?! I want to pretend this is a bad thing but I am on such a high from who knows what that I don't even care. I might actually be looking forward to grownupness if it means a proper normal schedule and days off and actually getting paid to work. The future is freaking me out just a little bit less today.

Formality

I rarely think of the use of formality, unless it comes to french. Although if you were to speak with me now your ears would likely bleed due to the limitedness of my french or possibly because of my horrendous lack of accent. You would actually be astounded when you realized how long I took it for. Sadly, it was not something prioritized and therefore was lost at a rate faster than it was ever learned. But the point is, I took french. In the french language we were always taught about what tense to use and how to speak to people. It was especially pertinent when speaking to an elder or someone of higher standing then yourself. Because of this, my only thoughts of formality come back to french.

I wouldnt say that I am informal in the rest of my life, it just is a natural thing. In english it just seems to come. You dont have to stress as much about it, it is just a common sense sort of thing. Nothing remarkable in my eyes. But it has led me to this moment. I have realized exactly what I have been trying to put my finger on. Your formality. You are so incredibly formal with me and let's be honest, I am not someone to be formal to. It freaks me out. It just is making it seem less personal I think and that is creating a wall I cant help but to see. And I am sure you have no idea. You probably are just naturally so proper and have no idea how insane and informal I am. Regardless, now that I have realized it, it is likely going to make me mental so I may have to just crush your soul and force you to be less proper when speaking to me. I want you to just say the wrong things sometimes and to just word vomit. I dont want to feel like I am something fragile. So unless you are speaking french to me I advise a lack of formality as otherwise may lead to some form of destruction.

Exciting Things Like Heroin

Is it not normal to ask someone if they are doing anything exciting like heroin? It seems to make sense to me. And not in a literal but sorta literal way. I mean if they responded with "why yes, I am in fact doing heroin" I woud at least know which could lead to me helping them or perhaps just explain their odd behaviour. The thing is, this is exactly the sort of thing I say. I say things that can be taken wrong if put in context. Most things I say are entirely out of context. They usually dont even make sense out loud, although they definitely make sense in my mind, I just sometimes forget to say enough to express that. But I cant help it, that is a huge part of who I am. Things just come out and for the most part I dont mean any harm. So when you just look back with a look so entirely impossibly to read I wonder. Perhaps you are too serious for me? Perhaps you just dont get that sometimes I when it seems like I want to be left it really means I want to be held. And I am not looking for words of sympathy or someone to say things are okay, I have heard all those before and I know how little they do. I just wanted a sense of understanding where I come from, who I am. So I am scared. I am scared that I am just a little too much and a little too far off the line that appears to be normal, for you to understand. But maybe I have just spend too much time doing exciting things like heroin to realize exactly what reality is. Maybe things are okay and I am just looking for trouble where none exists. But when you look for trouble you always find it, so maybe  I am finding it. Or maybe I should just focus more being myself and let what comes come.

My Bittersweet New Favourite Colour

It feels like only I could add emotion to a colour that has become my new favourite. It is so spring like which is fitting as I just realized it was almost spring. I possibly commented on how summer was about to end the other night, I dont know why I cant adjust to the seasons. Perhaps it is because with 22 years of training it will take more than 2 to swap the months and their correlating seasons. Or perhaps without snow I just cant actually refer to this as winter. Regardless with spring in the air I have found that turquoise/teal colour has really become a staple in my mind. Since I exude black it hasnt penetrated that realm yet. But as I sat looking at the new earring I was about to don and their beautiful colour I remembered a house with trimming of this shade. And as the colour began to seep with thoughts of the past and emotion I wondered how closely we tie our memories to things. To sounds, to smells, to tastes. It seems that more and more frequently I am feeling taken back to times long forgotten by something as simple as a waft of cologne as someone walks past on the train. I want to say something profound about it but all I can really think is that it is extremely beautiful how we can appear to forget so much but in reality it takes the smallest of triggers to bring on wave after wave of memories. Perhaps the earrings wont last and I will revert back to a shade I love but regardless, today they are feeling a bit bittersweet as I reminisce over what was lost and about the pains of growing up but at the same time recognizing the joy in growth. Spring is anticipated to bring about more change than a colour though so prepare for words depicting the hailstorm of a lifetime or perhaps just a soft wind. I am not even sure.

Glass Panels Are For Walking Into

I find it deceptive when there is glass panelling next to a glass door. How am I supposed to know it is more of a wall then a door? How can I be blamed when I continually walk into such things with hopes that it is an exit point. It isnt. And oddly enough you dont rebound off glass much. You mostly are just stunned. I mean not like this happens to me awkwardly in front of people.

Despite my inability to differentiate between walling and doors I realized how much has become transparent. I used to spend my time avoiding showing emotion. Trying not to care. I would argue about everything because I could. And I shied away from labels. I wanted my independence to be known. And I thought all of that was exactly what I wanted. Until now. Somehow as I watched another couple interact and then thought about my past I realized how much I have grown up. Not really grown up, I still feel like a child most of the time, but in a way I have. I can see the necessity of compromise and honesty. Of selflessness and openness. Although it all leads to a sense of vulnerability I would rather had remained unknown.

I suppose with glass at least you can see what is on the other side, even if your face happens to be plastered to it as you fall to the ground. That is so much simpler than the reality that has come with it. The realizations that I am so far from who I used to be but still falling short with insecurity and fear of the unknown. Perhaps if I walk into a few more doorless walls I will learn my lessons.

It Was Like an Emotion

It wasnt like sad sadness. It was like longing. Or acceptance. Or maybe sadness. That could still be an option. I dont really understand emotions or how they are classified. So maybe I will just say that it was like an emotion. I just dont know how to explain it but I really want to figure out. I want to be able to explain it to you. I just am not sure how to start. Oh hey I have a hole that may never be filled and because of that sometimes I cry secretly.  That just screams crazy. But I know that if I just say it factually it will come across like I dont care and that it doesnt hurt but it still does and it will until the day that relationship is repaired and even then I think it will still hurt. I am starting to get to a point where I actually want to explain to you all of the things that are real but I dont know if you are ready to hear all of that. I dont know if I am ready to let it all out.

I started writing this a week today. Today I had the same impression. I think I just need to go back to the beginning and let it all out so that you understand where I am coming from. The vagueness I have provided doesnt do it justice. For you to be a real part of my life you have to understand how I ended up where I am. I just dont know the proper way to express things so emotion filled and I am scared if I do you will think twice about this ship we put a relation on. If only I could use a magic eight ball for more than question answering. Somehow I think it would make this simpler. Or maybe it would all be simpler if I didnt feel like their divorce crumbled me for so long. Either way I think it is time for me to go back to the beginning and to lead you along the path that involves the emotions I avoid so well.

Your Unsunken Ships

I often imagine moments. I picture them in the  most perfect ways. The sounds, the setting, the words. I do this over and over. Often to a point where it seems as if reality could never come close to moments too perfect to be real. But then I am often wrong.

I suppose the most proper way to preface this would be with the fact that the night had been continual moments that caused me to realize how much more invested I was than I ever wanted to admit. And in the moment when we ran into my ex I recognized how much I want this chapter of my life that I am in now, the one that involves you. And so then every moment just seemed to give me butterflies or make me nervous that you didnt want to be in that chapter.

So when the time came and I thought that perhaps these loose lips would sink another ship I couldnt help but to reimagine all the scenarios I had dreamt up for that perfect first kiss. And then as the moment began with quiet words and the recognition that this wasnt just going to be a generic hello lip lock I knew that whatever happened next would make my imaginings so far beyond obsolete. And it did. Reality with you is so much better than anything I could have tried to create. So before I get ahead of myself I think I shall close.

Loose lips sink ships. I am glad you havent wasted as much time as me sinking ships. You make me feel more than ordinary.

Verification Acquired

There is no way around it. I require verification. I need to know that yes this is a go. I need proof that things are real. There is that requirement of feeling something more than the obvious for me to really be able to move forward. And I think I just got it. That brief moment when I realized I had butterflies I think did it. Perhaps all I needed was something to say this was a path going somewhere. I cant help but be cautious. My track record is not one to write home about. But maybe with this brief moment of assurance I will at least have the courage to delve deeper and open up. I still feel at the point where I am trying so hard to make a good impression and to hope to leave a mark so that when the door closes I am not forgotten. But eventually I have to get past the insecurity and speak up. Maybe this is what I needed to get to that point. Or maybe this is just a little baby step in the right direction. Either would be good I think. But only time will tell.

Story of A Girl

It may be something in the air. Or just a point in my life where I need to feel like a girl again in a sense that I am so not in control and have so much to learn. I was starting to get complacent. I was gliding through work and just taking placement as it came. I wouldnt say I was entirely stagnant. I had chosen other really great areas to focus on but I think I knew that it wasnt sufficient. I just wasnt prepared to hear that.

I suppose there are people that like constructive feedback and I do sometimes. But not today. I  know how petty and immature that sounds but I just didnt hear anything positive I just heard all the things I could be better at and all I could think of how easy it would be to quit. And in that moment I realized that I was just like a little girl. As soon as the going gets tough the tough get going. Thats what I tell myself. But it is so false. I am so good at walking away when things are hard or when any form of change is required. I think I just need to step up my game and try and take on board that there are other ways to do things and that they could be better than the way I have in my mind. It just makes me wonder what else I am faltering at that no one has pointed out. It is so easy to forget that we always have such a long way to go.

This would all be so much easier if I didnt have an innate calm voice that comes out when I teach.

How Will People Understand That's Who I Was Not Who I Am

I think that simple set of lyrics sums up entirely why I am where I am. I wonder if people can ever let go of the visions they imagined for us or of our past. I understand the entirety of forgiveness but that isnt what this is. This is just a pure desire to break away from the past and the trails trampled out in growth. Perhaps it is because the past is a cumulation of so many errors and so much naivety and those beliefs that I was invincible. Oh how little I knew.

I definitely was unaware of how much the past is never the past. I mean it isnt happening now exactly but it kinda is. Let me paint a picture to better describe this. I moved when I was 8, and that was devastating. I mean I had been friends with my two best friends since Kindergarten, we used to take our snack time together. The next move was at 18 when I left for the states and then again at 22 when I came to Australia. Each move made keeping in touch harder but they all allowed for possible escapes. They were fresh starts. I could be anyone. Anything. And sometimes leaving left me feeling like I had a clean slate that would never show through the previous writings. If only I had known then what I know now.

Flash forward to today. My past is so close it feels like it could be an eagle preparing to swoop down yet that sounds threatening and that isnt how it is. It just is incomprehensibly present. Today I learned that my best friend from kindergarten, the boy I used to sit and read Archie comics with for hours, is now in med school currently in the same department at the hospital as my mother. My little sister has now worked in two departments I used to at the hospital and those people all remember me and ask her about me. Then a few weeks ago an acquaintance from home whom I carpooled with in grade 3 appeared over here engaged to a girl from here. It just has been amazing how much it seems that no matter how far I think I move I cant escape it all and how everything seems to just flow together as if there was never any question about how it all fit.

And here I am. Recognizing that there is no escape. You are created in a sense from  your past. I really thought that coming here would be that new identity that you can only dream of. But it isnt. And I cant say I am disappointed by that. I need the grounding of the past to keep me on the right path I suppose. I just get anxious thinking about the day when I decide to go back and wondering if all of those people I left behind will be able to see me for who I am now and not as all of the other things. But maybe the truth is that it isnt what other people see, it is the fact that those faces and all those places make me see how things were before and I want to move past those days when I was sad or broken or when you were part of our life because that isnt who I am now. I want to be able to just go back all confident and creating a life of my own that is brilliant enough to overshadow all that I left behind.

Sometimes Legs Break Off, That's Why Superglue Was Invented

It is Thursday. Fact. Sunday night seems ages ago and yet this week has also gone so fast. I am striving to find the best way to describe it all and how just a few simple days can seem to have such a purpose. Everyday has a purpose I just dont usually get that. But lately it seems as if I am more insightful or possibly just less blind. I think either could be it. Most likely I am just being more aware to the obvious. So here is to the possibly obvious.

This week was mid placement feedback. Something I actually was terrified for. Not because it means the end of another placement approaches but because I didnt want to hear that I had let someone down. I think that is what it all comes down to for most things. I like to think that at the end of it all I at least tried and that that was enough. But sometimes I wonder, I wonder if others can see what I am putting down or if errors are more blatant than anything else. So as I sat across that table I was nervous. So nervous I possibly had tried to convince a patient to come in with me and tell them I was awesome, he thought I was joking. And as the words came out I realized that I have just been so hard on myself and not even taken a moment to realize where I am actually am at. I see the apparent discouragement of job searching and the future and forget that my successes in the moment will lead to a less difficult path towards a career. And then today when I had finally cracked a patient into bonding with me I recognized how much I entirely love what I do.

Sometimes I second guess it all. And everything. I pick up those hidden textbooks and wonder if I have made a mistake and just took a detour from the proper path. But then I have days like today when I can see how much I fit in in this world of patients and bonding and physio and hospitaling. And it wasnt just that. This week has been so much more than workplace recognitions. It has been filled with thoughts of the Human Book and how much I realize all the things that make up me that I never mention out of fear. And somewhere amidst the capillary burstings and the feedback and Batman and quietly reading and listening to records I have just felt more at ease than I have in a really long time.

I think like Justin and his poor legs that break off because he is a small marbleish unicorn that I carry around too often, I can be repaired and be like new. For so long I thought that everything that had happened had only broken me, I never saw that all I needed was to some superglue and I could be like new again. I really didnt see that there was a light at the end, that I could come to terms and feel a real sense of forgiveness and acceptance and all of those words I pretended to know before life placed hills and mountains along my path. I just hope that the glue is strong enough for whatever comes next because somehow I know this ease wont last forever.

Accountants and Engineers Are Sad

The title is misleading. This has nothing to do with it. Regardless of how misleading it is I have decided not to change it. Mostly because I can always find some way to relate my writing back to something irrelevant. So here is the thing. I have always loved that scene in 500 Days of Summer when Tom first gets to see Summer's place. It provides such an insight into who she is and upon this entry he then is able to see more of her than anyone else had previously. Something about the way everything is placed around the rooms creates a moment for reflection. Possibly I have always just been envious of her wall paper and the beauty of all of her trinkets. Her character has always impressed me to an unreasonable extent. And for a moment yesterday I felt like I could relate to her.

There was a lot of silence. My work day seems to end earlier than those I co-habituate with so I found myself standing in the doorway to my room in silence and I saw it all a different way. I realized that in another step I would be into a different world almost. The space between these four walls is immaculately me. I treasure it like a secret haven. I like the bareness between the lightswitch and the bookshelf. The books on top of it are all full of stories not inside them but inside me. And that is nothing compared to the flag or the unicorn or the exact selection of books that reside next to my bed. And then it is a new world as it changes into the records and lyrics and my favourite place to sit when I need to be alone. It is a place that no one can mold otherwise and I saw how it is a massive reflection of who I am and my life. And maybe no one else will ever see it through the same light I do but that is part of the beauty. It is my own haven and in an odd way it bring a sense of belonging and security that I cant put into words. I think understanding the four walls is the greatest insight besides opening my journals and reading the thoughts that dont reach here.

And this all relates to how sad accountants and engineers apparently are because somehow after I learned that someone had a glance into my safe haven and now I wonder what was seen besides the obvious. I can look at each thing and feel so much emotion and life that resides in these inanimate objects and I think I want someone to be able to share that with the way Summer did.

A Bounty To Be Hunted

I remember one time I was at this camp sort of thing. Not like camping, and not because I cant camp- I can, but it was more of a stay in uni dorms when you are a teenager sort of thing. And so there I was, probably 15 or 16 and I was in a group of girls and guys. One day the guys wrote notes to us and my one friend had quoted Proverbs 31:10 about how a virtuous woman is worth more than rubies. I suppose it sounded nice but I wasnt one for nice things like rubies so it didnt mean much. I think the beauty of it all was lost on my tomboyish mind.

Now fast forward to this evening. I had successfully lost at spoons so was spending my time wisely checking emails. There was one from an unfamiliar name but for some reason it seemed important to read, so that I did. And suddenly so much of my mental thought processes and hidden anxiety fled. You see I have realized that I want to work in the hospital system and due to the fact I may actually stop being a student for good and getting a real job these things are important to know. So I went to a function to "launch my career". I left feeling like a soviet rocket that never left the station. Apparently being foreign is not on the checklist of qualities required for the hospitals in this region. Suddenly I felt like the prospects of finding a job had disappeared quite dramatically. I wasnt exactly stressed, just not as at ease as I would have hoped for. The idea of finding a career job is daunting. So back to the email, it was from a Physiotherapist that I had spoken to whilst launching that career of mine. His words were more than kind and indicated interest in attaining me as a new grad for their company. I was shocked, not because our conversations were less than lovely but because I hadnt ever thought of myself as a prize to be won by an employer.  I just thought that finding a career would entirely be a form of me trying to sell myself and taking whatever bider was keen. But I think I had it all wrong. Perhaps this is all about marketing those skills I actually have spent mass amounts of time honing and seeing which place is best for me and not settling for the first one that accepts foreigners. I think I have more options than I thought. And I feel like a bit of a bounty being hunted as someone is already showing interest in my mad skillz. Maybe growing up isnt so bad after all.

Unjading of the Jaded

It feels preemptive in a way but at the same time it isnt. It is just factual and that is how I like things. I like the cut and dry clarity of facts. I like that when something is a fact that even if it is mean I still feel like I can say it because it really is just the truth. Although as my mother always says, I dont have to say everything I think, even if it is true. But I think I want to write about this anyways.

It seems like sometimes it is easy to become jaded. To become worn down. To expect less. To feel like your expectations were unreasonable. And I know this is a two way street. I have been the one to be so much less than ideal when it comes to friendships and relationships. I have been distant and emotionally unavailable, I have put zero effort in and then wondered why the end was continually so evitable. And then I somehow grew up a bit emotionally and perhaps realized that emotions existed. And then I used to think things like if I can find his number how come he cant go to the effort to find mine? I was taught that girls and boys dont think the same. But I always felt like somehow the effort should be two sided. However that just didnt seem to be the case so I let it slide. I would say the reality of it is I just settled. I would find myself being content with so much less than I ever wanted. Mostly because I was tired of feeling alone. I was trying to fill a void that was unfillable. And as time went on I forgot about previous expectations. Until now.

I am not saying I am in the third L word. Or even in like. I am not saying anything like that. I am only trying to get across the fact that I was right to have hopes and dreams and to want to expect something because even though maybe it is rare it happens. The fact is that sometimes boys do open all the doors. And sometimes they actually take the effort to find your number. And sometimes boys arent douches. And I think I had began to forget all of that. I cant help but to feel a sense of excitement over the thought that I have started to meet people like that. It is like I was been a little minnow swimming in the wrong pond all this time. Maybe chivalry isnt dead. And maybe I am wandering onto a road full of raddness. All I know is I seem to be a lot less jaded and that is a step I wondered if I would ever take again. Maybe that emotional growth is happening again. Or perhaps I just am meeting the right sort of people. Or perhaps this is just a heap of random facts that amount to nothing at all. Only time or a magic eight ball will tell.

Casual Smart

Those two words don't belong together. Casual makes me think of tights and a cardigan. Smart involves nerd glasses with the contemplation of either something comfortable or a slightly bad in a good way sweater. Not the same. And the fact that the combination is supposed to equal a look that impresses future employers I find to be misleading. They should just say please dress nicely but not as nice as semiformal. Or possibly just have classed is as "dress to impress" then I could have just slipped on a dress and not even given it a second thought. But they didn't. So here I am wearing jeans. The first time in a solid five months, and that day doesnt count as I was forced to wear them.

But to the point of it all, I need someone to be in charge of coordinating my outfits. If I had my way I would rarely wear anything besides onesies and rights but for some reason I am told hear are not always acceptable. I would also settle for a detailed poster describing what to wear to certain places. It would eleviate much of the confusion I find. Maybe this is why all the kids in this land wear shook uniforms. It takes the guessing, confusion and frustration out of dressing. I always thought uniforms suppressed originality and creativity, and I do still think that, but I may be realizing some of their merit. But this isn't about school uniforms or even work ones. It's about the fact that I need to find someone to coordinate my  outfits for me to save me a lot of hassle. Please apply within.

Is it My Fault? We've Been Missing Each Other, We've Been Missing Each Other

We all have zones of comfort. Usually these places have clear boundaries. And I am one of those people that has been living within those zones. Social anxiety is just one of those things that became a part of existence  nothing outside the ordinary. I could say that I have just been really busy, I had work or to study or transit just is awful out there. I know all of the excuses, and I have probably invented ones you havent even thought of. But I think it all comes down to the fact that I get so nervous around people I dont know. Which seems crazy to the people that know me. I can be the girl that doesnt shut up. There is a reason my grandfather referred to me as Chatterbox for many years. But that isnt the same. Put me in a social situation and watch me flounder.

But living within self made limitations is just that, limiting. And I could try and justify that all of this is a two way street but the truth is I havent put myself out there at all really since I got on that first long flight. I suppose moving across the world is a stretch of comfort but it isnt really. It just happened. Going to things and meeting people is much more of a stretch. So I finally decided to accept that all I was doing was creating excuses. So I stopped. And I started to at least try to attend things and actually talk to people. And so quickly I realized a lot. I have kinda been missing out, entirely on my own accord. I mean it is really nerve wracking and I get all flushed and fumble when I have to try and have awkward first conversations but I have already actually gotten to know people that were no more than a familiar face and with that I can see how it was all in my head. I dont know why people make me so nervous. But I think it is mostly imaginary because the last couple of weeks I have tried to throw it all aside and just not let the anxiety be the deciding factor. Showing up somewhere alone isnt that bad. I find there is always a familiar face close enough by that it isnt like walking into a room of isolation.

And all of this leads to the point. I have that mindset that the right people come at the right times and that things happen for reasons and that there is a plan much bigger than I can see. Kinda like those rugs that the creepy witches make in Hercules. So I never think about the fact that if I dont put myself in places where other humans reside how can I expect to experience all of these beautiful parts of my rug? I probably cant. So when I met someone for the first time that I really should have at least run into at some point in the last many many months all I could think was, is it my fault we've been missing each other? Maybe that is why this song has resonated so loudly. Or it could be because it is a really good song. But either way I think I have realized that I should be a bit more open minded when it comes to actually wandering outside the neatly fenced in zone of comfort. I think there is a lot on the other side of the fence that I wrote off for no reason. So I am going to try and miss out on a little bit less.

Doors

I am not that great at closing doors. But there are a fair few who would say I am not good at opening them either, figuratively and literally. I just already am sanitizing my hands dozens of times a day and doors have so many germs on them so I cant help it if I just slip in behind someone most of the time to avoid touching the doors, it is just me keeping my hands clean. But that isnt where this is going.

I just was thinking about how much I over think things and how it is as if I always want to have one foot in those ominous doors even when I know I dont want to go inside. I want to say I know why but I am not sure I do. I think I just dont like ends or goodbyes or the definitive. I like to think that there is always a bit of hope when really I should just walk away and let the door shut in its own time. Maybe it is because I like proper closure. I like to know that a chapter is entirely done with no turning back before I  move onto the next. It could be something I am conditioned to or because I havent always felt ready for the next chapter and yet it has come. All I know is that even when I think I have let a door close I often find it open a crack the next time I find myself wandering past. And like a cat I let curiosity get the best of me. So instead of peering through the cracks or reaching into closing elevators I think I am going to consciously let go of all the little things, the words said or unsaid, the messages sent or the ones not received, the poles run into and the pictures of previous lives. Maybe doors dont ever close  but we just move on to places too far to notice doors long passed.

The Might Have Beens and What Ifs

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'it might have been!'"

I dont know who initially said it. It wasnt me. But It reminds me of a scrubs quote 

"In the end it's the what if's that hurt the most."

I am not sure there is a specific reason for it but I kinda have been thinking about this concept. Maybe it is because the past is never as far past as we sometimes hope or maybe because the future feels all too close. But somehow things are always changing and I get a bit scared that I will get caught in the winds of change and miss my moment. And by moment I dont mean 15 minutes of fame, I could happily avoid that, I just mean more the moment where I make a vital decision or cross the right path. It isnt like I am completely just lackadaisical I just suppose I havent had to make a lot of decisions that it seems like everyone else is. I just have lived in my own little world for so long, especially the last two years, it almost seemed like nothing else existed. I chose for my life to be basically uni and work to try and shelter myself from reality and in that I realize how much time I have let pass without making a mark. And I suppose it makes me wonder if because of that I have what ifs. But maybe the point of it is to realize that and to  make a change, to stop wondering and to do something about it. That is not my strong point. I am much better at writing then I am about changing. But it is time, I dont want to look back and wonder what all I missed out on just because I was too shy or too stressed about school or paying for it or something else that is irrelevant in the big picture. I think I need to just step out a bit and see what exists beyond the four walls I created for myself.

Your Religion Made Me Realize Everything I Believe

I dont usually post about religion. Not because I feel it is a taboo subject like politics, and politics is really a subject I do believe is taboo because it shocks me how heated people get about it and most of the time they are super ignorant yet opinionated and it makes me uncomfortable. I just dont usually write about it because it is the most important thing to me. It is easier for me to handle people rejecting me than my beliefs I suppose. It isnt like a secret, it is just sacred. So I usually shy away from writing as to not create some form of discord with whatever humans find this place. But I think today I just will break from that.

I have thought a lot about religion the last couple of weeks and part of it is because I met a Muslim. I had previously only ever known one other Muslim and she wasnt practicing so I was fascinated. It immediately spiralled into me trying to learn as much about Islam as I could just so I could be at least a tiny bit knowledgeable and not so ignorant. And this all led to me looking at my own beliefs and what mattered to me. Sometimes I try and trick myself into thinking that I could be happy with someone that didnt believe the same as me. I think I was wrong though. It makes me feel all warm inside knowing that people kneel and pray to other deities, but that is because I know at the end of the day we are all looking for that same comfort and believing there is something else there. I love that diversity. It intrigues me. But I think I realized that when I close my eyes and imagine my future I see myself with a husband and little children kneeling at a bed praying to God. I want to be able to raise a family with the same values I have. I want their faith anchored in Christ the way mine is. And I want them to experience the pure joy that I feel.

I think know I would be lost without my faith. As I was teaching a class today I realized so much of that. I was relating story after story about my life because the room was too quiet and it just reminded me of how much I can relate anything back to my beliefs. And I have realized the reason that things have turned around and that I am so happy is directly proportionate to my beliefs and the choices I have been making. I found the comfort I needed in Christ. And I suppose today I just wanted to clarify that. I wish I knew the proper way to express to everyone how grateful I am for my faith because I cant imagine life without it. I think when I meet the right person they will understand that.