Burning Bridges is a Form of Suicide

Frequently lyrics express my thoughts better than my own words can. Either that or I find that they hit me more than anything profound I hear at church or uni. There is just something about music that reaches out to my inner being more than other things. Or perhaps it is just because I spend so much time listening to music that is bound to affect me more than anything else solely due to its massive presence in my life. As you can see, there are several options here.

Everytime I hear this song its that one line that sticks out. I think because it rings true. I have a skill in burning bridges. Mostly its because I feel awkward in several social situations so in order to prevent me from being in those awkward situations I feel its easier to ignore them or the people that put me in that place. This generally ends in me severing ties with lovely people just due to my own sheer awkwardness or inability to face situations. This comes about when someone has feelings for me and they are not reciprocated, or if they have very opposing views to my own and dont seem to accept mine. Or when people are overly social and its too much for me. So I end up watching myself light these bridges on fire and then stare at them as they burn.

This bridge burning is a form of isolation. It is there as a protection mechanism to prevent myself from being vulnerable. But once you burn bridges it takes ages to rebuild them, and some just dont rebuild. And then what are you left with? Just charred remains and a gap that once used to have a pathway to something better. Part of you dies a little bit when you cut everyone out. Relationships are the basis for so much. They provide you with love and comfort and support. They connect you to reality and offer fresh perspectives. So when you take those away doesnt it make sense that you are killing yourself a little? You are just taking away all of the things that build you up. If you arent building up then you are breaking down since nothing is stagnant in life.

Maybe as I am starting to light bridges up I will be able to take notice and try and choose another path of action in the future. No one needs any form of suicide in their life.

False Advertising

I am not sure that any advertising is real. There always seems to be a catch to it or some hidden angle. Or perhaps it is just straight up portraying something unrelated to the product in hopes of getting in your head and you thinking that that goodness will come upon you once you buy this product. For the most part I enjoy clever advertisements. I appreciate the humour or the creativity behind them. However, when such advertisements take my hopes, and fly away with them, and then shatter them like a child's balloon being popped, I feel otherwise.

This happened last night, and I am still a little bit irked about it. You see I decided to go for an evening run. I got myself all psyched up for it and off I went. I had predetermined that I would run 3 miles and then stop at Sev for a slurpee. I would then enjoy the slurpee as I cooled down walking the last little bit. Let me note that there have been signs up about the new flavours at Sev, which is why I was set on the idea of getting one. Epic idea, I was so stoked. So I ran and it was much better than expected. I arrived at my destination and eagerly chose my cup. I then thought of how great the lemon lime bitter and the pear something or rather would taste. Sadly the advertising tricked me. There was only bubblegum, raspberry, coke and something else crappy. However the raspberry and something else were broken. So I was left with 2 flavours I didnt want. AND none of the flavours there were even the ones advertised. Ugh. I was so distraught. So I just bought vitamin water and went home.

So I just dont really appreciate advertising like that. I mean there are plenty of other ways that the world can knock you down, but when you give me that hope of something glorious like new slurpee flavours and then not even have them, well thats just harsh. So please do not advertise glorious morsels of love and tenderness if you do not have them. Thank you.

Pterodactyl

Fact. The Pterodactyl is a reptile not a dinosaur because dinosaurs were diapsid reptiles with an upright stance or were quadrepeds with a stiff, straight legged style of walking.

For those of you who by chance have been reading these posts for ages may feel a little deja-vu. But sometimes its worth going back to good things from the past to tell about something in the present.

You didnt believe me that the pterodactyl was not classified as a dinosaur, and even if you did believe me I have no doubt we would have argued anyways. Lately it seems like these stupid arguments are what keeps me smiling. Its a few minutes when I forget about the other stresses around and I just laugh and try and think of a way to make you realize your opinion is just wrong. Ultimately we both know the argument is solely for the sake of arguing, perhaps thats why its so entertaining. So as I try and forget about the cockroach skittering about and contemplate going to sleep I cant help but wonder what stupid thing we will argue about next, if I am lucky it will just be a few hours before you stumble in and have something to say.

Regardless, pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, just like I am not invincible.

... Psych

Today I got super stoked. I had a temporary place to live, and it could be permanent if I wanted it to be. Also it was with a super rad girl from uni and the location was great. Hallelujah, things were going my way.

Oh wait, then the girl whose room I was to rent came back. Psych. I am still homeless.

I feel like it was cruel of the world to get my hopes up that I was finally going to be able to destress and have a house and just go back to normal living. Sadly the world hates me currently. Thankfully I did yoga tonight so I had reached a point of ultimate peace prior to this realization, if that had not been the case I would be ultra freaking out at this moment.

Yoga saves lives.

If the Spiders and Snakes Dont Kill You the Floods Will

Why do people say these things to me? Hello, I have arachnaphobia and am homeless. Apparently Australia is killing me. Except not killing me like the zombies on Call of Duty. Are you now sitting there questioning the gaming reference? You should not be. Let it be known that I have a fascination with video games. I dont play them often but some of them really catch my eye.

Space Invaders for example. The arcade game sits in my basement. I grew up playing it. I am not saying I am great at it by any means, but I love it. It just reminds me of my childhood. Next would be Mortal Kombat. Only because of the joy it has brought me at both the nicklecade and the laundromat. What a great game.

Getting back to the point though, Call of Duty is coming into play here as level 10 has been the level to beat independently today. No, I dont play it, I just am the spectator. But I think I am finally catching on. Perhaps I would survive a level, maybe even two if I joined in with a controller. Regardless, I am content sitting here watchingish as I flip through notes and scan websites. Possibly the contentment comes from the complete lack of stress in the air at the moment, its a truth breath of fresh air for me. Or perhaps it is coming from the fact that a door was opened to me from two gentlemen, so unexpectedly. Or because I laugh a lot here, there is just something about the humour in this house, or just about your presence, you two are hilarious.

So as much as I feel like Australia is trying to kill me, with the most massive spiders that are hanging overhead and that I have to run underneath as I cringe because I think they will eat me, or with its natural disaster destroying my home, I am still alive. So here I am, embracing your video games as I hear the rolling thunder, and contemplating how much of a pleasant surprise staying here has been. xo.

Non-Mirror Images

I had never though about how the image was translated to the person on the other side of the computer, at least not until yesterday. You had me raise a hand to figure out if it was a mirror image or not. It wasnt. I think that moment made it more real. We were both just hanging out in the places we were staying and just chatting, as if we were sitting across from each other in real life. There is something about talking to you. Dont settle though, please dont. I wish I knew the words to tell you how incredible you are. Them maybe the mere thought of settling wouldnt enter your mind. I forgot how much you changed me this summer, do you know that? Maybe you should come visit this way. Just a thought.

As much as I am loving the non mirrored images part of me feels ready to go beyond that. When I see your faces it reminds me of how real you are, and sometimes of how much I miss you. I cant imagine not being able to skype, its become so commonplace in my mind when I need to talk to someone from somewhere in America.

But then there are moments here when I realize this is my non-mirror image. My life is whats real. And lately that seems to be facing things head on. Like the 2 massive spiders hanging in webs overhead that I have to walk under to get into this place. Seriously, they need to be killed. I cannot handle it. But that is whats real. And as much as I love how real skype makes things, I cant let myself believe that I am that person trapped on the screen, that I am only in existance when it shows me online and someone elses face appearing on my screen. That is such a big part of maintaining and growing relationships, but ultimately the beauty of our non-mirror images is just a small fragment of our lives. And sometimes, its my favourite fragment.

The Chicken Coop Ate My Sandal

Today was different. But lately every single day is different. None of them go as I would expect. So maybe its becoming expected that everyday will be different, so maybe that is just becoming normal. But it was so different.

Church was ended early so we could spend the day helping people with their homes. This resulted in my first public shout out in church and everyone turning and staring at me. However, this led to a handful of men trampling through mud, chicken excrement, and sewage water to spend hours at my place. This involved moving furniture, hauling rubbish off on a boat as the road was flooded and we needed the rubbish across the road. It was amazing. I didnt think we could do anything there and yet so much was accomplished. The house is amazingly destroyed. I still feel like I am in shock. The basement was the real kicker, her room is covered in mud, the door is warped, its so bad that I cant even imagine someone ever claiming that as their bedroom again.

This day became more apparently different as a man gave me thirty dollars because he wanted to help and to him that was important. I ultra appreciated his generosity. And as I realized that the men hauling out of my house barely knew me, if they did at all. And as my flip flop broke walking through a mud and excrement filled chicken coop as I fled my house again. I was covered in mud and shoeless. Finally I looked the part, I am homeless and I look it. Bummer.

The thing is that this is kinda funny, like haha I have to laugh or else I will cry. Another few weeks and it will just be ha ha funny and I will laugh all about it. Today it is just like a bit funny because who does this happen to? I dont know. Me, I suppose. So I put on a dress tonight after a long shower so that I would not feel like I was homeless, it has worked temporarily.

... and all I got was refugee status

So as most of the whole world knows, Queensland was dominated by floods. And when I say dominated, I mean the floods totally destroyed a major area. Most of Brisbane was affected. Over 115,000 people lost power. 15 people so far have died. Over 30,000 homes flooded. Animals had to be rescued. Thousands and thousands of people had to evacuate. Domination was had.

After a very muddy journey through the old couples driveway, the chicken coop and some other yards and a broken fence I got into my house today. The front road is still majorly flooded, so its not like I just prefer the dirty back way, I just cant go any other way. I didnt have any idea what the house would be like. I am still in shock. The house was caked in thick, slimy, mud. It was everywhere. Like so much so that you were sliding as you tried to walk from room to room. Everything was coated in a muddy film. The front lawn portion not submersed into the water is covered in ruined objects, such as beds, mattresses and the like. The street has tranformed. It used to be a quaint road, now its muddy, and trashy.

Ultimately, I have no home now. I dont know why I thought I would just move back in like nothing had happened. It just shows how little I knew about floods. They ruin homes. My neighbours are going to demolish and rebuild. I will just move. This week has been unreal. I was so ready for 2011 to be my year. I was going to nail it. Somehow I dont feel like this is what I was planning. Its time for me to get my head out of this daze and back to real life. Which seems harder when I am on someone elses couch, with my things in a pile or sitting in my mud covered house. I am so over this natural disaster. I am ready to have a permanent home, be back in class and not be wondering when I will feel like life is not dominating me.

I survived the floods of 2011, and all I got was refugee status.

An Introduction to Flooding

One day I moved to Australia and found that it was raining a lot. I learned to get used to it. I even got an umbrella for Christmas and was learning to embrace the light rains. Not some much the torrential rain, that still was a pain, but I was dealing with it. I didnt even feel concern when the water on my street would flood a little and I would have to walk through yards.

The first time I had to walk directly through water near my knees to get to the house I thought it was a little ridiculous, but I laughed. The next morning it was just above my knees, still not awful. After uni was cancelled that day the water was to my waist, this time it wasnt actually that funny. It was a little bit awful. But I went in and made dinner as I figured it was best to eat instead of thinking on an empty stomach.

The next 3 hours involved a friend from school swimming across to my house, then her and I taking everything I own and putting it as high as possible. I packed 2 backpacks and then started moving furniture from the basement up. When it was time to evacuate we had our swimsuits on and then we went waist deep in the water on the driveway before we could cut through 2 yards, a broken fence, a chicken coop, some sheds and then end up on the road behind us. I was out.

The next day my 3 new housemates who had rescued me as a refugee came to see my place. We could only get to the road behind which was now flooding. The water was to the balcony by this point. Due to their kind hearts they swam to my home, filled a suitcase with some clothes, as I had like 2 outfits and pajamas, and then taped garbage bags around the suitcase and brought it back.

The tide brought the water up this morning and will again today. I dont know if anything will be safe or if all of my stuff will be ruined. It sounds like my home is likely swallowed in water. But thats okay right? Well, it has to be okay. Nothing I can do. This is a natural disaster. One that I didnt ever think I would have to get close to. I dont think I really knew anything about the reality of flooding until now.

Its insane when the places you were just a few days ago are underwater. When the man-made beach in the city is not beach to the over flowing river. When your house is actually underwater. I didnt think that much water could ever be in one place, besides the ocean. I think the next 2 years here are going to be a lot different than I originally imagined.

Now its time to wait for the water to go down, then it will be time to clean up and rebuild. But for now, all we can do is pray.

The Truman Show

"We accept the reality of the world of which we are placed"

Maybe we are clones. Maybe our lives are just the Truman Show and everyone else is sitting at home laughing as we go about living on TV. Maybe we are pawns in someones game, or robots. Maybe we are just dreaming all of the things we think are life. And maybe we are individuals struggling to make our paths as we live on earth.

But none of that matters. The actuality of existence and what we perceive as reality is insignificant because that doesnt change what we accept as reality. So what reality is does not matter at all. We are here and that is all there is to it. We come to terms with our life on earth and that we have a purpose. Some people dont look for a purpose they do as they feel and some spend their whole life searching for that purpose.

But how many people really just spend their life living? I dont. I spend it worrying and stressing and trying to please people and myself and trying to accomplish things and change the world. But in all of that stress and trying I usually miss the mark, whatever mark that is.

I want to get to a point where I can just accept my reality, accept that this is how my life is right now and just live it. So tonight I am going out to live, instead of sitting here wishing the past was not my past. Its time to live, even if my life is the Truman Show and everyone is at home watching.

"maybe because you hate yourself the universe is making so many boys like you to even it out...cancel out the hate with a whole lot of like!!! even if it makes you uncomfortable"

Maybe you are right. Maybe because I have let life punch me in the face and instead of getting up I stayed down and cried and then after hated myself for staying down and crying, something had to happen. Maybe thats why all of these nonsensical random friendings are happening. I think you put it in the best of words. Which is typical for you, you understand the things that I dont say.

Hating myself wont get me anywhere good though. Its just in the middle of that spiral downwards. You know that spiral, the one where things just start going down and then the next thing you know you have watched your life spin out of control and you have no idea how you got to that place, but you know that you hate yourself for letting it get there. But by that point you feel like there is nothing you can do to fix it. Its like its too late. So then things just keep spiraling. It is an awful cycle. One I am all too familiar with.

Why is it that as humans we tend to be so much harder on ourselves than anyone else? We can give others slack or embrace their short comings, but when it comes to ourself its like nothing will ever be good enough. I think this year I need to start loving myself a little bit more, and work on getting back out of this spiral that someone engulfed me when I was not watching.

Wishes Mean Nothing

I have a vivid imagination, I can think of something and let it run wild. And this happens often. Yet I find that I often can come up with grandious wishes and I play them out so many times that when it doesnt happen it is a let down.

For example, a few years back when a lovely boy came home from his church mission of 2 years I was so sure we would get married. I loved him so and we had been writing for so long. It seemed like that fairytale type of story. Then he came home and everything had changed, it was like wedding bells were dead. Yet I had spent those 2 years getting so psyched about it that it was such a blow when I realized that was all in my head.

As the years have passed this has happened over and over again as I have let my imagination run wild with thoughts of a moment, a night, an event, a human. Yet time after time I find myself on that fall down to reality as I realize what I had imagined was so epic compared to the truth. Dont get me wrong, the opposite happens so often to. And when what you imagine is surpassed by reality it is glorious, but thats not the point of this.

So once again I have found my incessant wishing has gotten me little. I am still here, he is still not here, and he wont ever be here. All along I think I knew that. I had just wished so hard that it would not be that way that even I started to believe that things might change. But wishes mean nothing. Everytime I wish on a star or throw a coin in a well or write my wishes down it seems like nothing changes. Because nothing does change. Change comes from action, from perseverance, from work and time. Wishing is just a way of wanting something but not being able to do it, whether it be because it is out of our hands or because we are too lazy to step up.

I think I am ready to stop allowing my wishes to take my hopes and then murder them. I am tired of realizing that what I have imagine or hoped for is really just something that will stay in my head and never become real. Maybe I am ready to live in reality a little more longterm, at least when it comes to major wishing.

Escaping Your Own Life

We both came to Australia to escape our lives. Something had happened to each of us and we needed to find ourselves. Realizing that it feels impossible to find yourself when everything around you is a reminder of the pain of reality we both fled. And somehow, one time we met. Not because of anything miraculous, we met because you were talking to a friend of mine. That didnt solidify anything, you didnt even remember my name. So I dont know how it happened but then we came back, and now we are real friends. I think once it came out how we both ended up here we realized we had something in common.

Its easy to relate to someone when you realize you are in the same boat. Just trying to find yourself and rebuild after some form of destruction. I feel lucky that we had a chance to run into each other on the path to finding ourselves.

It sucks that you are heading back to England but thats okay, I will see you soon enough right? Thanks for escaping your life when I was escaping my life.

Hoser.

I used to think you didnt know what it meant to cry. It was like you were invincible. Then one night you called me. We were best friends but we didnt talk on the phone, thats how I knew something was wrong. You were crying. I was so confused. I knew I had to work early the next morning but I told Mum and we found lifesavers and I drove into the city to find you. You lived by the ghetto house then. We went to the park and ate lifesavers and sat on the swings as you cried. Your parents were getting divorced. I still think of that night and how it took our friendship to the next level.

After that you moved a few hours south and then I moved to the states for most of the next 4 years. Summers were spent going to the zoo and movies and people watching at the mall, while school months were spent texting and sending fb messages trying to keep in touch.

The next real phone call I remember between us was a sunday. I was the one bawling this time. You knew something was wrong the second you saw I had called. Even though 6 years of friendship had happened we still didnt do phone calls. You called back and tried to console me as I told you it was my parents this time. The tables had turned.

In between all of those years we had minor cries over stupid boys or stupid things but seldom did they merit phone calls. Now I am across the world and I just wish I could be there to sit on a swing and eat lifesavers with you. But we are okay. I have texted you while crying over being so lonely and homesick and you have texted me over the hurt from a lost love. But finally I have realized how good of friends we are. I had been sitting here wishing for a way to help you, but then you went to my little sisters basketball game and sat with my mum and let it out. I know she would have loved you and said the things I wish I could say to your face.

So when you come across this I hope you realize that no matter where either of us live, I will always know that phone calls mean bad news and that its time to drop everything and settle in for a good cry. I will always know that you gave me that book that opened our eyes to relationships. I will always know that it was that stupid math class you hated back when I was in grade 11 that made us friends and I dont regret having you hate that class so much that it forced me to be your partner. I know you will be hating me for being sappy at this point but I am too far for you to punch me, so it was worth it.

ps thank goodness I am now allotted 500 texts from you! I will make use of every single one..

pps I am still sorry I had lunch with him and gave him his present instead of being at my house the day before I left.

Domination- The Word of Convention

Urban Dictionary: Domination
interjection: a word that hardly ever fails at it's purpose as an interjection.

Domination is a word that is very dear to my heart. It can be used after mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or any other type of victory over someone. The odd thing is that I am not very competitive. I would rather have people peaceful than stressing over a victory so I dont go out of my way to crush someone. However, when it comes to domination I am all over it. As i let this word mold my introductions to a new experience I found it was able to describe most events that occurred. In life there is always someone dominating. And sometimes that just means dominating your own life. Which is the best form of it. I am so ready to dominate this year.

As I found myself thriving in that word and the world it opened I started to see my life through new eyes. Eyes non related to domination. I was in a "pod", a massive room divided into small clusters with trifolds. These pods had concentration camp style beds, which I honestly enjoyed in the end. But as this pod had over a dozen girls and was surrounded by pods of the exact same content I had such an opportunity to learn more about myself.

I learned that I will never be that girl that will spend hours and hours dolling up for something or someone. I will get ready and look nice but I will still look like me. I wont always have my hair curled and dresses fitting each curve, I will more likely have on a plaid shirt and a large belt buckle with skinny jeans and toms. I wont ever be that girl that believes in any kind of permanent cosmetic alterations, whether that be a breast augmentation or tattooed makeup or other cosmetic surgeries. I actually am really happy with how I look, if I looked different then I wouldnt look like me. And I learned that I am not that social girl that has to talk to every boy or be noticed by every person. I am the one that likes to just sit back and chill and meet people when it happens but I dont thrive in social situations. I thrive in those private conversations that happen between a few people.

So as I spent my few hours of sleep in that pod and the rest of the time was spent with the other 1500 people there I outwardly existed on domination. But inside I found so many opportunities to reflect and see who I am. At first I felt as though I would never fit in, but then I saw that I fit in perfectly with myself. And I have finally hit a point in my life where I am so happy with who I am, and I dont change who I am for other people anymore.

I think I am starting to dominate my life.

Hey Cow! COW! HEY!

We met one night because we had a mutual friend. That friend was not there so it was not that epic, well it was nice, but nothing grand. Now we are BFFs. For real. I will always be friends with you after the last few days.

Somehow we got in the same car for literally the longest roadtrip of anyones life. And it was epic. Perhaps it was when we played Hey Cow that it changed. I realized you were actually as insane as me. That night you told us a goodnight story, and the next day I wondered if we would actually hangout again since we were now in a massive place with tons of people you knew. But as the days passed I realized I would see you most of the time. From meals to dances to games to goodnight stories our friendship evolved. I miss you already. I have no one here telling me goodnight stories, I have no one here to check up on and know they re lying to me when they say they are feeling fine. Most importantly you helped me to understand the value of a certain word and a black leather outfit, halloween will be so epic.

So as a tribute to our friendship I am allowing you to dominate this blog post.

Resolving (post a quick glance backwards)

Its that time of year. The time when you release the year is over and you either think back and realize what a magnificent year it was and you bask in the glory of it, or you think hallelujah, that year is over, if I had to relive it I would die. I will lean towards the later. So prior to my resolving I want to take a quick moment to peer back into the days that comprised the year 2010 in my life.

It was a year of ultimate change, of new beginnings and even more endings. It started with preparation for applications to med school. Saturdays spent studying for the MCAT and classes of death. And then it changed and I knew I was going to apply to PT school instead. So I jumped onto that ship instead. Concurrent was the foreclosure or my condo and the misery that followed as I frequented with the realtor until I got a cheque and a new home. As all of these changes swirled around I learned to snowboard, for real, and fell in love with it and the feeling of being up on the mountain. Amidst this relationships formed, broke, reformed and rebroke. Then it was onto another relationship- one that would come back in a new way months later. The days turned into spring term, french classes and ultimately a robot video that won me my yoga teacher course. It was the time of my first half marathon and a short relationship with another fellow. Spring also brought a professor with fresh love and perspective as I found out life changing news and my world began its crashing spiral. I moved home for a short period and on the way there I got a conditional offer to school. I fell into a time of pain and heartache. I journeyed back to the states to become a yoga teacher and to start on a path of healing as I came to terms with the effects of another's decisions. It included sleepless nights and long talks as friends returned from countries far away. And graduation, I nearly forgot, I graduated, hurray. Then a roadtrip to try surfing and to play pokemon. And then home, and surgery and work and preparations to move away once again. Then I visited Utah again, a final dasvedanya fest before I moved to Australia. It was my Christmas present, but no one could have seen what would happen. A relationship would change and that changed everything. Australia was next. Grad school began, new friends were brought into the equation and new goals were formed. And then the year started to close. And then it was now.

So after that long quick summary it seems like this year was okay. But the heartache part was so awful that it really was a rough year, one that hopefully has turned me into one of those diamonds that come from the rough. I survived though! And thats what matters. So I want to resolve.

I resolve to not be scared of love. To work for it and realize that what has happened around me does not define me or my relationships, those are mine and they will be different.

I resolve to achieve my personal fitness goals that are on post its in my room.

I resolve to become a better person and contributor to the world as I expand my horizons and find myself on a deeper level.

I resolve to embrace change instead of running and cowering from it.

I resolve to be there for you more.

So welcome 2011. I am so so ready for this year. I am embracing it along with the changes that have become integral parts of my life. Farewell 2010. Dont come back please. Thank you.

Banksy- and How He Opened My Eyes

I will admit it. I now have a minor obsession with Banksy. I cant help it. I am fascinated with his street art. His anonymity. His ninja like stealth. His messages. So here is an example of why I am obsessed.

But thats not just it. I have always had a fascination with non traditional things, especially art. I wish I was more artistic, thats for sure. So his art really hits me. Then I got thinking as I searched for his book today. How many things do I now love that I would never have known about if it wasnt for someone else? And that got me questioning if anything about my self is original. But then I realized that if we never shared anything with anyone than life would suck and no one would know about anything. How stupid would that be? It would be just awful, trust me, I imagined it.

So I dont hate myself for loving movies you have recommended I watch, or books that I found on someone elses table first. I dont regret having interest in things someone else likes. It just means we have something in common. So I am glad that because of something you said I found a movie that intrigued me and have something else to be interested in. I just wonder if I ever share things with people that they then adapt to become a part of them.

Wild Things, Dinosaur Fossils, Black Pearls and Toilets

The making of a happy Christmas. I knew this year had to be different, there were no options. Yet Christmas was the one day I liked to be the same, the exact same, every year. And so the day came, and everything was entirely new, and yet part of it was so much the same.

I woke up and saw 3 kangaroos across the road from Cid's families home. I knew Australia was real then, either that or the budget of the Truman Show must have spiked in order to make the holiday season more realistic. Both are plausible options. The day progressed from there in its entirely unusual fashion. I must admit I was feeling so homesick and lonely amidst that beautiful family. They just welcomed me in, but it wasnt the same as home, and part of that was just so hard to overcome.

Then it started turning around. I talked to someone that always knows what to say, he has somehow obtained a wealth of advice as he has aged. So there I was, standing in the sun taking in every word. The bigger picture became clear, he knew there was a lot more to it than just that day. So we got into the major things and he reminded me that I had to start creating my own memories, ones that were happy and new, I couldnt dwell on the past forever. And maybe it was time I put it all out there and send a much needed email (which I did). Somewhere in the laughing and being reminded how I am like a nerd on steroids, everything became okay. Thank you.

Then I talked to mum and grandma and grandpa. And I remembered how those three people love me more than anything. And it didnt matter where I was, or that it was Christmas Eve for them and Christmas Day for me. Nothing mattered, because we have each other. And then Christmas began in my heart. I realized that it had nothing to do with where I was, or who was there or what happened. It just mattered to me that they knew I loved them and that they loved me back.

Its not to say that the rest of the day wasnt epic, but I learned my lesson in that moment as the sun was burning my skin a little bit while I talked on the phone. We opened presents and played this insane twister game and had dinner and it was so lovely. And then Uncle Shawn brought out his gift. He is no relative of mine but I had heard of his gifts. It was a complete toilet. Thank goodness he didnt know I was coming, I dodged that one.

Then the real best part came. It was just after midnight when the skyping began. We sat in a circle, just like always, except this time I was on the screen. And one at a time we opened our stocking presents then the gifts from me. And it was magical, minus when that huge bug attacked me and tried to kill me. I am glad that was entertaining for the rest of you, however, I thought I was going to die. And as each present was opened I realized how well my family knows me. Its not like a superficial knowing like it is with most people, they know know me. When I opened up an ice cube tray that was fossilized dinosaur bones, and wild thing pajamas and a peace bracelet and zen magnets I knew that they knew exactly who I was.

So Christmas came and was beautiful. And it ended with me opening the most beautiful present I can imagine. We were shopping for someone else when I fell in love with that pearl set, never did I imagine I would own one. So as I look at each piece and carefully put them on I am reminded how the 4 of you are always here, even when you are not.

So even when I was sure the Grinch had stolen my Christmas and every ounce of love I had for it, everything changed. My heart definitely grew several sizes that day.

Fake it til You Make it

For those of you that find your eyes glancing across this blog on more than one occasion and ever have thoughts involving my writing to be insightful or grown up or anything along those lines, well then just skip this post. I would rather leave those thoughts intact. Although I doubt those thoughts really are occurring. So I will just get on with my dreary, immature post.

I hear people talking about faking it til you make it. We all do it at some point, at least I think so. If you act like you know what you are talking about, or you exude confidence then people will believe it. But you cant always fake it. Every so often the truth rears its ugly, self conscious head, and thats when we are reminded that we have just been faking it.

That awesome truth decided to just take my face and shove it hard into the fact that I am faking it. I could tell you how excited I am that Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I mean Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. I have a million traditions, and I hate when they are broken. My best memories growing up involve Christmas. But not this year. I hate that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I just want to skip the holiday this year, just forget that it happened. I dont want to forget the birth of Christ, I just wish I was in a cave where there would be no celebrations.

I smile as I go out. I ask about others plans and eagerly share mine. But underneath its a different story. I can barely sleep or function normally with the thought of the impending holiday. I dont look at my Christmas shrine and feel the love that went into those neatly wrapped presents. Instead all I see are the other ones, and the card. That writing is all too familiar. I almost dont want to open it. I know it will just hurt. And perhaps I will be able to bare the pain of reading the words and opening those few things, but having to talk to you about it will be more than I can handle.

And then there is the part that should be happy. I do want to skype with you all so much. I know you are trying to maintain tradition. But its broken, we all know it. And I want to see your shining faces as you see what I left under that tree but deep down I know that we all will be crying inside, even if we fake it on the outside, and I doubt I will be able to fake it.

So as much as I tried to fake it for myself, and maybe for all of the happy people here, I cant do it anymore. Which I suppose means I didnt make it. I am not sitting here looking forward to a happy Christmas. I am sitting here thinking my tears are comparable to the torrential rains that flood my road nearly daily. I am sitting here wishing the aching pain I feel through my whole being would just stop. And I am hoping that I can just survive the holiday, thats all. I dont need it to be glorious or anything, I just want to survive it. Because right now it feels like I am drowning.

What I'm Trying to Say

I have far too much time on my hands, time that does not have to be filled with studying. It should be, but its not a must since I have days and days to do it. So here I am yet again, sitting with my laptop, listening to songs that I know all the words too and eating my favourite lollies. But this abundance of unproductive time allows me to think, and when I spend too much time thinking I usually find myself in trouble.

There are so many things I want to say, but more than that I just want you to be able to be here and to see it. I would rather have us be able to laugh about things together because you were here when it happened. That would be so much better than me trying to find the words to type to explain each thing. Or just the sights. Whether its the flooding on my driveway or the tropical rainforest appearance amidst the great court on campus, I just want you to be able to see it.

But tonight I got lucky. I went out for pie with some lovely people, one of whom knew you. And even though we scarcely discussed you, it didnt matter. For once it felt like you werent so far, like part of you was here. It made you feel real again. Sometimes I feel like you are so much in my mind that you cant possibly be real outside of it, and it seems like its been forever already. So as I snuggle back under my giraffe bedspread I cant help but to smile a little bit more as I feel like you are not impossibly far tonight.

Seven

Somehow its been seven months. Exactly seven months. And yet there are moments when it feels like it happened yesterday. I dont know how other people can be so forgiving and willing to forget and move on. I wish I could just forget and move on. I wish I had more answers now than I did then, but reality is that I only have more questions. I understand it even less now. I dont know how I survived the last seven months. Well I do, so thats incorrect. It was through religion, and the women in my family and a few friends that stood up taller than I could. I feel blessed that I have grown more than ever these last seven months, but if I could go back to that day and make it never happen I would. I would change everything. Because right now, when I look back, I cant look at it like this was such a period of learning and growth and experience. It was heartbreak and betrayal and confusion. One day I know I will be stronger, and I will have forgiven, and I will be proud of the progress I will have made. But perhaps it is too soon. Perhaps it is okay that I am still healing and that I cant fully grasp onto the forgiveness side. Perhaps coming to terms with it and realizing I couldnt have done anything because it was a choice made exclusive of me, is enough for today. I survived the last seven months and I didnt let it ruin me. Perhaps thats all that can be hoped for at this stage.

My Mind Just Goes Keeps Going Back To Memories.

Looking for the right person to understand the things that I didnt know how to say, I thought back to a previous encounter, it was months ago now. Our friendship was so odd, in a good way. I didnt even know who you were, in fact, I had not even remembered giving you cake. But somehow you must have realized that we should be friends. And then one day I told you everything. I just knew that you were the one person I had to tell everything to and I didnt know why. It was on your porch, and it all came out. And you let me feel how I felt. Yet you gave words of wisdom. I wish you were here so I could just hear words like that, because you already understand. That evening continually sticks out. It left an impression that just wont fade because you said things I need to keep remembering. I am trying not to forget it all. What am I going to do now? That was the vital question, wasnt it? But more importantly was when you told me it would take time. I wish you could have told me how long it would take.

Its been ages since I saw you, it was right before I moved back to Canada. I hope you know that I treasure your friendship. Also, whenever I watch animated things I think of how you would tell me something technical about how it was made.

Let's Try Redefining Beautiful

I hate that beauty has been tainted by media. That people stereotype beauty and are often too closed minded to see beauty in a broader range. I want people to open their minds and their hearts to a new kind of beautiful. A kind of beauty that embodies everyone. No pressure, no unrealistic expectations of a skin and bone appearance while maintaining the facade that they are healthy. No. I want beauty to be embracing who we are.

I think its beautiful when people can open about their real self. Not the person that most people glance at on the bus or at the market. But the person deep down that recites random useless facts or has minor obsessions with childhood games. I think beauty is rarely found near the skin. Its so much deeper. And the more I think about it, the more I miss the beautiful people in my life that know all of those real things about me.

Maybe I want to feel like I am contributing to the world becoming a better place, or maybe I just think its unhealthy to feel the pressure to conform to the standards of "beauty" that media has given me. Regardless, I am going to try and forget the idealized definition of beautiful and I am going to redefine it for myself. I want to feel beautiful and for everyone else to feel that way too.

So Much to Say but No Words to Convey - 6.28

Some days it all comes back. Everything. And sometimes I remember its not just me. I forget how little you are and how much harder it must for you. I know you want me to come home. I know you feel alone and hurt and broken and scared. I wish I could make it go away. I understand though. Its still too hard. You will take that step one day, today just isnt that day. And honestly, maybe I wouldnt have taken that step if I didnt know I could get away from it for so long.

I am sorry I cant do more. I dont know what to say, I dont know what to do. All I know is exactly how you feel and how much that sucks. I love you.

Glow Worms

Last night we ended up in a cave up the Gold Coast. It was late and dark but once you find the cave it is illuminated with these glow worms. It's like sitting out under a clear sky looking at the stars, except that really you are in a cave and the stars are these glowing little creatures. It is gorgeous.

And as you feel the peace and silence or the darkness it makes you think. It was as if the world stopped and I had a moment to reflect on life. Its like looking at the clusters of glowing was like looking at parts of my life and connecting it like constellations. And as I drew the lines things seemed so clear. I know it feels like I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and there is part of me that thinks about escaping and going back to familiarity but I know there is a point that requires moving on. And I do know what I am doing. BYU had a purpose, here will have a purpose, and when I think back on the trials that got me here, I can more clearly see their purpose. I am pretty sure I need to find more time and places to reflect as reflection reminds me that even on the dark days there is light somewhere, I just have to find it.

Just Punch Them In the Face and say Shut the F Up

I learn a lot at school. And I find that some of my professors speak more on my level than others, one in particular was hilarious today. Most likely because he looks so serious when he says these things to me. I now know how to deal with patients.

But it gets me thinking, when these ridiculous things happen in class or when I see something obscure, I just think of texting you because I know you would understand and laugh with me. Or when I am watching some show that I eventually realize has been quoted by you or you have told me to watch its just another reminder of you. I guess sometimes it doesnt feel like you are quite so far. But really, you are way far, and I hate that a little bit. Perhaps this is what it feels like to really care about someone, or maybe I am just going crazy. They both seem like viable options lately.

The Dangers of Texting

You hear about how dangerous it is to text while driving. Some may even compare it to Drunk Driving. And recently, it has become illegal in many places. They have crazy videos that show utter destruction and death from this. Hence, we may see the dangers it can bring.

However, who ever talks about texting and walking? Personally, I think it is much more dangerous. I mean just today I walked into a fence.

So who makes these laws? Who decides what makes one activity so much more dangerous than another? Really, I think its great that they are trying to keep people safe, but sometimes I do think about natural selection and I wonder how people lived before there were a gazillion laws for everything.

Immunizations

Sometimes we get vaccines. And some people dont. And this isnt a post to cause a debate about immunizations, because I do have some strong opinions on the subject as many people do, but that is so not the point.

So sometimes we get these vaccines to make us immune to something. Something harmful and potentially life threatening. It is a security measure. But what about when you take those precautions but your body rejects them and you are still not immune. Then what do you do?

All you can do is be glad its just a few more shots and some money that you have to pay for them. It would be worse if you found out you had one of the diseases. Not being immune is not the end of the world. Its just a speed bump.

How often do we think some decision or action from ages ago, maybe even decades ago, will suffice now? I think that we have to actively be making and remaking important decisions to protect ourselves. Whether that decision means sticking to beliefs, or working on goals or just letting go, we cant count on a decision from our awkward teen years to help us forever. Maybe one day you will wake up and realize you arent immune anymore. And life is so hard as it is. So if you dont know where you stand because somewhere along the way something didnt take, well, you are just setting yourself up for life to be even harder than it has to be.

So maybe every so often we need to stop and check in with ourselves and see if we are still immune and protected and safe, or if we need to change course and try a new vaccine, something else to help protect who we are.

Letters on Paper

He went on a mission for 2 years. Our only means of communicating was through letters. I was lucky to get one a month and I would keep each of those letters in a special box so I could reread them as if it meant he was not so far.

She went on a mission for 18 months. Before she left I wrote her letters, for all of those times I would want to be by her side. That way it was like she hadnt left me for so long. We still wrote regular letters, but this way when she needed a best friend I could be there still.

She went to Egypt. I wrote her letters for all of the things I thought she would need someone to be there for. I mean egypt could have sketchy internet, I just didnt know.

I moved to Australia. She wrote me 4 letters and the night before I left she gave them to me. I kept these letters treasured. I didnt want to open them at the wrong time. Sunday I opened the first one. I cried for ages.

I had always wondered how other people felt when they got letters that I sent, or when they opened the prewritten letters for those days when loneliness or pain was reigning. I think I now know. Everything I needed to hear was in that letter. The next day I got 2 Christmas cards in the mail.

When distance causes hugs and first hand love to be prevented from being shared letters are the next best thing. I keep those photos and the words and the snowman and the cards so close. I thought it would be hard to be loved so far away, and at some moments I feel like I have never been more loved.

Thank you for knowing I would feel alone Mum and writing me letters. I love you.

The Waiting Place

A most uselesss place. "No! that's not for you! You'll somehow escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

Dr. Seuss got it so right. And thats exactly how I was feeling this morning. I felt so lost and trapped and realized it was because I had wandered into that waiting place and I had allowed everything to become stagnant as I attempted to just wait. I would wait for a conversation or anything that might show how you felt. But mostly I was waiting for a decision. But today I realized I cant do this forever. Right now everything reminds me of you, and thats great. But I dont want to feel like I am holding back because you are not sure what you want. I think I just put too much pressure on something that really will just happen or not happen and I am not in control of it, so I should just go with whatever happens instead of avidly waiting. I hate the waiting place and it hates me right back. So I am leaving the waiting place, and what happens, happens.

And as soon as I realized that I felt incredible. I broke 6 miles and by far had my best run since I moved here. I came to terms with everything for once, and I did it without relying on someone else, well besides Dr Seuss and his infinite words of wisdom. So I have checked out of the waiting place. I still want you to come, basically more than anything, but now I am just going to keep living and if you decide to come and be a part of that, awesome.

ps. this would be the one post that might actually be decent for you to read. No pressure on it anymore.

Missing Puzzle Pieces

I hate it when you are doing a puzzle and you get to the end and then realize a piece or two is missing. It kinda feels like a slap in the face. Lately, thats basically how I feel. I am not sure why though. Its like I am trying to do school, and be socialish with the other physios without putting myself in situations that would compromise my standards, and I am trying to see the girls and other churchy people enough without missing out on studying. And I am really trying hard to run enough miles, but its so hot and I wake up so exhausted that sometimes my runs just feel like failures. And sometimes I just end up sitting there realizing that time is passing by and I cant manage to get anything productive done no matter how hard I try.

I thought all the pieces were here. I was exercising, and studying, and making friends. But I think somewhere along the path things got missed. Perhaps loving Jesus more in an outward sense would help. Or just skyping with my mother and seeing her face. Or maybe just talking to that one person that I havent talked to in a few days but always knows what to say. I am not exactly sure what it will take, I just know that the first step is realizing something is missing. So now onto step two, its time to figure it out and get back on track.

What Physio and Hookers Have in Common

Today I made a realization. It is basically like I am paying a fortune to learn to be a hooker. I get to class and spend time with my shirt off, or with my partners shirt off. I then grab their butt several times as I try and help them scoot forward to go from sitting to standing. Or hold their hips and pelvis to coordinate a bridge. Then there are the times when I am palpating which often involves a hand or two on the chest. There are also the scenarios involving paraplegia where I find my body pressed against their legs and am all up in their face while trying to stabilize them through movement. This sort of thing goes on for hours a day. Then there are the times when you are in the spotlight and you find a dozen or more people staring at you in your bra but by this point it already seems normal.

When you think about it, it is like I am paying to learn how to be comfortable in wearing next to nothing with strangers and to touching people in generally more personal areas. Yes, some days it feels like I am learning how to be a Hooker.

26.2

I just decided I am going to run a marathon. I feel motivated to at this moment. Carpe Diem. Last time I felt this motivated I trained for and ran a half. So why not? Tomorrow is day one of training. Just tonight I was saying how I needed a distraction, voila, I have found it. I figure if I can stick to the schedule this will be the biggest distraction possible outside of classes. Hopefully this does not kill me.

Good Will Hunting

"You are not perfect sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she's not perfect either. But the question is, whether or not you are perfect for each other. Thats the whole deal Thats what intimacy is all about."

I feel inspired.

The Snake at the Bottom of the Stairs

Upon returning from my run this morning I saw a small snake at the bottom of the stairs. I was terrified of course. I heard that the little snakes are the ones that can kill you. Plus I had only ever seen a snake in the wild once before. So I ran up the stairs and got ready for class. Much to my dismay the snake was still there staring at me with its evil eyes when I left for class. So when I was finally returning home in the early evening I started to pysch myself out. I thought of what to do when this snake bit me, would I go to the neighbours who I dont know? Would I phone someone? Would I run inside to our visiting travellers and ask them what to do? I had no idea. I was petrified. And then I got home, and the snake was gone.

Hours later I was still distraught so I asked my roommate. Apparently its a blue-tongued lizard that just looked like a snake because its legs are so little. Shoot.

But how often do we misinterpret something? Or pre-judge and never actually stop and take in a situation? Honestly, I do it all the time. I assume something and psych myself out of things that really should not be stressed over prematurely. I freak out about things that could be solved with a conversation because I am too scared to ask the big questions and the ones that matter. But sometimes you have to. I had to come inside and shower before class even if I thought it was a snake waiting to attack me. And sometimes I have to know what page someone else is on. So instead of just thinking that those beady eyes are laying in the bushes waiting to attack us at our most vulnerable moments maybe its time to take a closer look and actually be brave and take the situation for what it is.

Sometimes a snake is not a snake at all.

Accept That Your Entering Into a Situation That's Uncertain

I often find that quotes from TV shows often depict my exact feelings at that moment. Bones did not fail me tonight. A lot of life, if not all of it, is uncertain. We never know whats coming next and that often leads to fear, backtracking and pushing for things to stay the same. Fear of the unknown is such a strong, driving force. I often find myself compelled to look for ways out of unknown situations or for clarity. Its like walking into a dark cave, you have no idea whats up ahead and you would do anything for some light. But that would take away the unknown factor, and with that half the fun.

So as I find myself starting to wander along a new and unknown path I am trying not to incessantly freak out or to turn back. I think there is potential for a lot of adventure on this path but it just requires some faith and patience, and I think I can handle that. So I am accepting the unknown in this situation and just going forward with it.

Little Links of Technology

It doesnt feel far away because I know your on the other side. All it takes is a quick text, or a fb message or chat or skype and all of a sudden its like we are together. And sometimes its like I dont even have to be talking to someone from home, just knowing they are on the other side and all it takes is a few keystrokes to connect is all I need.It makes the world seem so small.

But then again I feel like everyday the world is a little bigger. I meet someone from Scotland and they tell me about their travels for the last 6 months and how they have 5 left, then I realize how little I have seen. I have 2 years to acquaint myself with this part of the world and I need to get on it. I am thinking with my February break I will try and see a place or two. I feel like you know so little about the world til you actually see it. I could use some more culture in my life thats for sure. After I graduate I really want to do Europe so hopefully it works out that way.

Regardless, I like how all I have to do is open my laptop to feel like I am everything but alone.

One plus zero plus zero

I feel like its some sort of monumental milestone to have blogged about the random things in my life one hundred times. I am a fan of milestones, they show progression and growth, its like they are people standing at the sidelines of a race telling you that you can do it and to keep going. I guess I just feel like this milestone signifies my growth since I started writing.

Everything has changed in the last year or so. I finished up my four years in Utah, I had the opportunity to spend a whole month enveloped in yoga, I survived some really trying times and came out a better person, and I got into grad school and moved across the world. All in all, I think the last year has been exceptional for milestones. But more importantly, these posts depict the people that have changed my life, the ones that have rescued me in times of despair and the ones that have taught me so much and adventured with me. Most posts are my way of saying thank you for being part of my life, when I dont know how to say it any other way.

So today it is time to start reaching towards new milestones, to find myself progressing further on my path of life. And to realize my potential and the opportunities I have to be that person for someone else. Namaste.

I lied. It wasnt entirely because I was just wondering. But you know that, thats why you asked.

The Art of Dreaming

To me dreams are a form of science. Its neurons firing, or misfiring and the brain trying to make sense of those messages being fired, therefore putting them into a story. And voila, we have a dream. Although I feel like I grasp this concept and understand how dreams occur it does not change my opinion. I do not like dreaming. I do not like waking up in the morning wishing some crazy love story dream was real. But more than that, I hate the ever haunting nightmares that leave me waking up with tears streaming down my face. So as much I know that people find beauty in dreams, and think they have relevance to life or meanings, well I just dont feel the same. I would rather feel the numbness waking up after a sleep induced by medicine than wake up feeling exhausted from a night or restlessness and feeling haunted. Maybe its time for me to realize that moving just changes your location, and really, the slate is not as clean as it appears.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I actually feel like that describes my life a little in some ways. I let my imagination take hold of ideas and run vampant. Its like I cant help it. I get an idea and then I just think of how amazing it could be and it just keeps going and going. And the more I think about it the more excited I get for this idea and I start planning every second out in my mind. And then at some point I realize it was just a fantasy, just me wishing something would happen. And all at once its like someone lifts the curtain and I realize it was all just a show, a facade, and nothing was real. And yet I dont regret allowing my fantasies to grow because sometimes they provide hope or comfort or just something to look forward too. And every so often they come true.

I felt like I should bang my head against the mirror tonight as I realized my latest was so beautiful but twisted. And as I listened to this album I realized it was pretty much entitled for these moments in my life. If it was real it would be beautiful, we would be beautiful, but every single thing about it seems so messed up and twisted and impossible and the bleakness that is reality surrounding it is so dark, and that changes nothing. After I hit post its not like I will suddenly wake up from this fantasy and forget that I ever imagined it. I will continue sitting here trying to occupy my mind but really I will just be thinking of the possibilities and how to make it real. Thats just how it works with me. This time I have decided to just let it happen, dreams and fantasies are just another part of embracing life and so if it means I get my hopes up a little too high and one day it comes crashing down, thats okay, because at least I know its just a fantasy, but its my beautiful dark twisted fantasy, and today I love it.

Three Words

Often you think of those three simple words as "I Love You". Definately not where this post is going. So get your mind out of the love sick gutter that so easily drowns people.

I was thinking along the lines of "i miss you". A phrase so common and yet I think it means a lot. I can think of times when I have said it to people I would not see for an extended period of time, but really I didnt mean it. It was more like a "I am being polite so I am saying I will miss you, or I have missed you, or any variation of such, but reality is I do not care about your life" and there are the people who you say it to because they said it first. Those are not real. They are just the natural instincts of people trying to save face and to appear to be so kind and caring.

But sometimes you say it and it means more than anything else could. I was rereading my journal from the morning I left Calgary and how much I missed my sister. Saying goodbye to her and telling her how much I was going to miss her was heart breaking. And those three tearful words meant everything.

And then sometimes it is said and it catches you off guard. Maybe because you didnt think they would miss you, or maybe because you didnt want to admit that you missed them. But those surprises are the best. It is like putting on pajamas fresh out of the dryer when they are all warm and perfect.

Since I know you occasionally find yourself reading this, or at least say you do in order to leave me flustered, I figured I would let you know that I really do miss you.

What Really is Reality?

I think reality is something to ponder, and not just because of the recent movie Inception, which did make me ponder it and the effects of dreams.

Sometimes I just wonder what makes things seem real to us. What gives us that distinction between imagination, dreaming and reality? And how do we lose sight of what is real when we know its real?

I spent yesterday with kangaroos and koalas and it was epic and beautiful and I look at the photos and it feels surreal. The fact that I live in Australia doesnt seem real. And when I talk to people back home or think about life back home it seems like a dream sometimes. Its like I expect to wake up in the morning and be back in the Ikea house in Provo or back home. And yet I wake up each day and live life here.

And then there are the things I wish were real, and sometimes I think I wish so hard that I almost believe they are real. Like unicorns. Or like seeing someone from home. I feel like if I want it enough or wish enough and let my imagination run vampant it will happen. But thats not reality.

So I think its easy for me to lose sight of reality. And I think that is a beautiful thought sometimes. The ability to embrace life but to not lose your imagination creates excitement and joy. So I guess even though sometimes I cant believe things have happened to me, that clearly have, its nice to be able to let go and to move on but embrace the future and the memories of the past.

Maybe reality is what we chose to believe and take with us. I think we each have our own reality and its not something fixed, its ever changing.

Words.

"Make everyday worth it while you're over there."

They are just words. Words strung together to make a sentence. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mean we each do it a few gazillion times a day. But yah, thanks. Sometimes your words are put together to say exactly what I need to hear. And everytime it surprises me. Perhaps you do know me better than I thought.

Regardless, I think sometimes we need to put more thought into the words we choose, instead of just throwing them out there for the sake of speaking. Yah, I like talking, and most people know that, but perhaps it would be a little better if I stopped once and awhile and carefully thought about each word and made them count a little more. Everyday should be spent bettering yourself and the world around you so its just another thing to consider.

All I really know is that when you say just the right thing it changes everything for someone else.

Vanquishing Homesickness

I expected to move here and be super homesick. I mean I left with a lot of tearful goodbyes and I was moving kinda far. But then I got here and life just went. I didnt feel huge pangs of loneliness, I wasnt crying myself to sleep, life just continued.

Then today it hit. Maybe because the novelty was wearing off, maybe because I had a job interview making it all more real. Maybe because it was American Thanksgiving, a day for families. I dont know. All I know is it all became more real today.

I got to skype with my mum, which was definately needed but I guess it just was a harder day than most. But then I guess someone was looking out for me.

I got a phone call asking about my evening plans, well of course I didnt have any. She would have known if I did. So she told me we were going to hang out with the boys. I was like sure. Then she asked more about my day and stuff and mentioned she read my blog. I didnt think anything of it, until she said no one should be alone when they are homesick. So she arranged for a get together tonight, for me. I guess maybe nothing like this has ever happened for me. And especially not with someone I just met 2 days ago. So if you end up reading this, thanks, you are like a guardian angel. I just hope one day I can make you feel a fraction of the joy you brought to my tears tonight.

ps thank you. I almost cried when I got home because I felt so lucky to have met you guys.

The Second Annual Travis Turkey Trot

Last American Thanksgiving I found myself stuck in the states. A place most Canadians would love to be on that weekend, however, I just wanted to be home. With exams and expensive flights it just didnt pan out.

So Thanksgiving morning I went for a Turkey Trot with my friend Travis. Now let me preface this with saying Travis would run 5Ks etc all the time and he would win them. So my level or running and his are not even like in the same book. Yet I was dumb enough to be like "yah, this will be such a great way to start the day". So we ran, and I thought I was going to die. I did, however, make a mental note not to run with Travis anymore, and well, running before 2 freaking massive dinners was a good idea.

So today in Australia it would be American Thanksgiving. And instead of being with my family, or sitting through 2 dinners at a dear friends grandparents homes, I find myself alone. It gave me my first tinge or homesickness. So I went for a run, in memory of the Turkey Trot with Travis. That way at least something feels like how it should today.

Happy American Thanksgiving Day, I wish I was there.

ps I am grateful for the technology that keeps my family feeling close on the days when I realize they are literally across the world.

A Pet Jellyfish.

I think I would like a pet jellyfish. One to just sit in a fishbowl on my desk.

Sometimes my life feels surreal. Its like I am living in a dream, and I dont know what to make of it. I have been here for a whole week already, its crazy. Yesterday some of my friends ate Kangaroo, which is super wierd, but to think that I am in a place where people eat kangaroos just blows my mind.

I wish it felt more real. It just seems normal though, as if this is what I had always planned would happen. I went to Harry Potter last night, and it was so incredible, I mean I love Harry Potter. But to just go to the movies with some friends is like what I would do anywhere else. I guess I am really glad I dont cry myself to sleep everynight aching to be home, but in some ways I just want this to feel real, to feel like its actually my life.

I suppose having a pet jellyfish would not accomplish that at all, but still, it would be nice.

Typical

Typical me. I think I already have a crush.

04 uhm.. uhh..

Its hard to memorize a new phone number . Not because its new, well sorta, but mostly because it doesnt even have the same amount of numbers and they are separated all funny. So I had not tried. No one knows me here really, so its not like I am constantly asked for a number. The few times it has happened I just looked it up. Simple really.

I had made 2 darling new friends yesterday and tonight they picked me up. We were mingling with some other people later in the evening and lo and behold it came out that I wanted to go to the beach. The next thing I knew my number was being repeated, loudly, across the room. Wait what? Cid decided I would go to the beach with the boys tomorrow so she was making sure all of the boys had my number so they could come get me. I am overly shy for the most part and would never have had the courage to ask this attractive boy to take me to the beach with his friends, I didnt even know his name.

So now who knows how many people have my number, I would guess at least 4 in that room took note of it. I think this will be my new way to make friends, I will just wait for Cid to share my number with people while I awkwardly attempt to remember what my number is, it seemed to work this time. So thanks dear. Oh and apparently some boy has my address and will get me before noon tomorrow. That was easy.

Stereotyping

Sure, I have strong opinions and I voice them. Sometimes that means stereotyping. Ask any of my American friends, especially after I first moved there, I grouped all Americans into a group labelled "ignorant idiots". Let me clarify, I love the Americans though. My 4 years there changed everything and I am a much better person because of their influence. So the point is, stereotypes are ridiculous. I mean sometimes they seem to work. I have yet to meet an asian who drives well, and most americans are ignorant, but that doesnt mean there are not some asians who drive better than me, and I did meet some americans who actually knew tons about everything and were open minded.

And now that I think about it, besides the general Canadian stereoptypes that were my life for a few years I have never really been lumped into any sort of sterotype. But I think I was sorta lumped into one the other day.

"Healthy Freak"

I am pretty sure thats the only way to describe it. I was out walking with some speech path girls and they knew I was currently living a vegetarian lifestyle (since we had just had lunch they knew) and we got talking about work. I mentioned how I really wanted to teach yoga since I am certified. They were surprised. It then came up that my background was a bachelors in Exercise Science, and you could tell they were already starting to form some opinions. Then we walked past the pool and got talking about swimming. The one girl, bless her heart, doesnt really know how to swim so I offered to teach her, mentioning my extensive history with lifeguarding and teaching swimming. A little bit later we talked about sports or something and it came out that I was starting training again for my second half marathon. I was then informed that I am super healthy and crazy.

Perhaps with that information it seems that way. Maybe in some ways I have tendencies that steer me towards health but then again all I want right now is a chocolate bar. So as much as I might even want to be lumped into that group its not true. I love eating chips and chocolate bars and just watching tv. So I think I have a well rounded lifestyle, not a healthy freak one.So I think since I am starting fresh here I am going to avoid stereotyping people and actually just try and get to know them. It seems like a good idea on paper.

Apple Life

Apple products are taking over the world.

I rewarded myself with a 30gb Ipod when I was 18. It was a gift for my hardwork in preparing for my grade 8 royal conservatory piano exam. I loved that Ipod. Since then it has been through many difficult and trying situations, leaving it, well, nearly dead in every way. But Spartacus and I have many fond memories together.

A Christmas or two later I got an Ipod shuffle for Christmas. Due to my uncanny ability to destroy precious things it found its way into the washing machine a few weeks later. It was tragic. Another year or so later I found myself on the recieving end of a new shuffle during a white elephant game as my little sister knew what had happened to my shuffle and she felt so awful about it. Beatrice, my new shuffle, loves long runs.

Onto the graduation of university. My first laptop was a toshiba PC. And I loved it. Until it sucked. Part of that is my fault since I dropped it a few times as I epically fell while walking, or because I expected it to work miracles that it could not do. When this laptop surpassed its last limb and was dead more than it was functioning I knew I only had one choice. A Macbook Pro. Justin and I grew close very quickly, and spend too many hours together daily.

Fortunately, when you are a student buying a macbook in just the right months you find yourself recieving an Itouch. So there it was, my Itouch joined my ever increasing mac family. Since the arrival of this Itouch came as I was finally about to beat Pokemon Blue on my Gameboy Colour, he was named Charzard, and has lived up to that name.

Upon my arrival in Australia I knew a phone would be essential. I planned on yet another crap phone for when I needed to get into contact with someone. Except I actually wanted a decent phone for once. I was hoping for a blackberry. Then it turned out those are ultra pricey here, but I was informed that I could get an Iphone 4 for no money down, 60 a month, with unlimited international texting and tons of data and calls. So, surprisingly enough, I ended up with an Iphone. Coraline is the newest member to my Mac family and is so happy to be a part of it.

So, as you can now see, Apple products are worming their way into my life and slowly taking over the world. At least I am naming them, and making them human like, ergo making their world domination more plausible.

Canadian life in Brisbane

It feels like I am in Canada.

Perhaps because two nights ago I had dinner with 12 other Canadians.

Perhaps because yesterday I had 2 orientations, lunch and a tour with fellow Canadians.

And perhaps because today I went to the market and the mall, taking 2 buses and the city cat with another Canadian.

I suppose when most of your time is spent with people from Canada, well, it just doesnt seem like you have left. You forget that everyone else has an accent, and that you are somewhere tropical and that its foreign.

I think this has stopped me from feeling the unbearable pains of homesickness.

So I am grateful for the taste of Canada that has been ever so present in my life the last 3 days.

Its Different Here.

It freaks me out that they drive on the other side. So when I cross the road I look both ways like 3 times since I can never figure out which way the cars will come from.

They walk on the opposite side of the sidewalk too, and when all you do is walk, well its wierd.

And everyone has an accent, I wonder if they all think I have an accent.

And its like a tropical forest when I walk through campus.

So far thats it. But it was only a few hours. Its not that different. I mean they still speak english. Oh but there are a million asians here. Which reminds me of working at Cardel.

Change (Day One)

I believe that humans were made to resist change. We like things to stay the same, because we understand that. We resist it when things shift because it is forcing us into an unknown. If change is inevitable than we do anything in our power to keep things the same. Today was a day of change. And looking back on the last few hours I can see my innate desire to resist these changes.

In the airport I watched Paper Heart and Coraline. Two of my favourite movies. And I did this to give me a feeling of home, something familiar. Then when I got to my house I just wanted a shower with familiar shampoo and clothes that reminded me of home. On campus I listened to Taylor Swift and the first thing I bought here was a Boost drink- yes, it is the same as booster juice! In fact, some of the names are even the same. That was like drinking home. I watched Gossip Girl to ground me and then ate Subway for dinner. I know, it seems like I am doing the same things I would do if I had not left, but heres the thing, I am just trying to cope with the changes.

Today I moved literally to the other side of the world. I was dropped off at a house where I knew no one. I moved into this random house, and it is amazing. I fumbled my way to campus and found the bank, set a few things up there, talked to someone about getting a phone and am now waiting for them to get the one I want in and then wandered campus. I found the building where my classes are, twice, which will be beneficial and I didnt get lost really finding my house.

So as much as I am resisting change, I am embracing it. Welcome to my future in Australia.

Tuesday Never Happened

I literally never had a Tuesday. I fell asleep on the plane and it was Monday night. I woke up just before 3am Wednesday. No I did not sleep through all of Tuesday. I just crossed over 20 hours so suddenly Tuesday didnt happen. So then it was Wednesday.
Wednesday meant it was real. I actually moved to Brisbane. So here I am. Sitting in my house, which is gorgeous, and chatting on fb. It does not even seem real. I went to the campus and its like a tropical rainforest. Mixed in with like a flair of mexico or california. Everything is outdoors. So not like Canada or Utah. And then they have people selling things between buildings. Its so lovely. I think I will love this place. But for today it seems like a dream.

Sometimes Random Roommate equals Soulmate

http://kaitlinrosegraff.blogspot.com/2010/11/turk-and-jb-bid-farewell.html

So I read this in the airport. Before flight 2. And I cried. Kaitlin changed my life, and was there for me in the worst times. Times when no one knew how dark things were, and before I even knew. She was there this summer when I broke and has been there for every happy moment too. 3.5 years and still going strong. I love you Kaity.

ps I will do a better ode to our love when I am not crying in an airport.
pps I am shaking I am so nervous right now.

Last Day

Tomorrow I fly to Utah.
Monday I fly to Australia.
I guess its real.
I am moving across the world, alone.
Now that I sit here with my suitcases packed, and just a few things on the floor its hitting me.
I am terrified.
What was I thinking?
I just wanted something to do with my life.
I didnt want to work yet.
So here I am.
About to move across the world.
To a place that apparently has large spiders.
I am terrified of spiders.
I just hope its lovely there.
It will be lovely there, it has to be.
I am freaking out.
Why didnt someone say "Lauren what the *@&# are you thinking? Moving across the world alone is scary and you have no idea what you are doing and its costing you more money that you had ever imagined"
But no one said that.
So I am doing it.
I will blog lots.
And cry lots too probably.
But today is my last day here, and I look beautiful.
So its time for some last minute loving.

xo. Next post will be from my new home.

Goblin Babies.

I didnt see them at first, they were so perfectly set in the crib. Then it was pointed out. You actually have Goblin Babies in your crib. Only during the day it seems, or when you are home. Which makes sense, its just good parenting. I mean, we cant just leave goblin babies out on the lawn in a crib when its dark out. That would be ridiculous. Overall, I love your goblin babies, and I perhaps lust after them a little because they are so glorious. And Goblin Babies are wierd, sure, but I think that expressing those weird inner thoughts just shows personality or insanity. Regardless, I love those goblin babies on your lawn.

Fourteen.

Fourteen Days is equal to two weeks.
Which is equal to my time left in Calgary.
I dont know where the days all went.
I clearly remember that moment in the hotel room in Butte when I opened the email that changed my future.
It was conditional acceptance.
I cried.
But it was surreal.
Just something that was now an option, nothing official.
And now its only fourteen days til I hop a plane.
It is real.
I am such a short step away from moving to Australia.
I want to make the most of each day here.
And not because its goodbye, its not.
Its more a Dasvedanya situation again.
Just waiting til we meet again.
Yes, each day needs to be productive and beautiful.
I love Canada, and am scared to leave it.
But I am initially leaving it for Utah, which is pure love.
So I guess there is no room for tears.
An email changed my life.
My life is beautiful.

XO.

I love how you love Gossip Girl too. You are the best. I am glad you were magically in town this weekend and we could have booster juice date night, even though booster juice was closed. gah, catching up was so great. Which has led me to even more thinking than before. You are so insightful, and encouraging. Maybe I will go for it. Maybe I will say something. I hope you can come visit me in Australia. That would be amazing. Oh and I adore you. Too bad you have been living in Van. Oh well. I am so happy you were in town and that tonight was so perfect.xo.

Inspiration or was it Perspiration

One: How many people does it take to make a difference?

I read that title on your coffee table one day and wanted it instantly, yet its been hard to come by. But it has crossed my mind several times over the months. It really does just take one person to make a difference, and yet that change has to begin with ourselves.

This week I found myself re-inspired. I have nothing stopping me anymore, no more lame excuses or things to fall back on that can be blamed for stunted progress. It is time to move on. And I feel so ready to begin that change within myself.

Today I started training for another half marathon. Day one. I ran 2.5 miles. I was actually satisfied, its been 4 months since my first half and it killed me, nearly. Physically I am finally at a place where I can train again and emotionally I feel more stable. So the training begins. I leave in 5 weeks so I would like to be in a solid routine by then. I am planning on doing yoga on my off days to cross train. This will be epic.

Along with the physical renewal I am ready to take control of my life. I move to Australia in 5 weeks. I should be living there for the next two and a half years. So its time to plan a life there. I started touching up my resume and working on a cover letter today. I also am going to get back on top of practicing teaching yoga so I will be more prepared. Yesterday I had a business dinner about finances. Yes, I am ready to take control of my life.

Please feel welcome to join me in the self search for the best me, because I am ready to be that person, and to make a difference in someones life. xo.

The Letter M.

I have resorted to blaming things out of my control on the letter M. It is all much more logical in my head. However, if you want me to visit, then ask me. You know I would be much more inclined to try and make that happen if you asked. Instead, you have resorted to asking other people to tell me to come, or telling me other reasons to come. Do you feel like if you say it, then its admitting that there is something there? Its okay, I mean we both know I am leaving so we cant get attached. Just say it. Secondly, you are such a dork. Maybe I will show up at your parents for dinner, haha, that would be ridiculous. We will go get your ladder instead. But really, bets? Come on, we should just talk about it. So because I find that most of my mass confusion is a result of the lack of open communication about emotionally related things involving people that have names that start with M, I think I will blame M.

A Life Lived to Its Fullest

You are an inspiration. You achieved what most people could only dream of. You battled cancer 4 times and never gave up hope. You always put your faith in God first and never looked back. You and your beautiful wife are a constant reminder of true love. And you have left a legacy, one that will be hard to come close to.

In loving memory, Timothy Lance Harriman. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, to live with more courage, to face my fears and to never let my faith in God falter. You will be missed by so many, but know that you truly changed thousands of lives.

Hundreds of days to a conclusion I knew from the start.

Nearly a year and a half. Filled with letters I would never send. Boys I would just compare to you. Moving away thinking it would resolve everything. And yet here I am. Almost where I was before, except in such a different place. I have changed in most ways. I met you and was so insecure and lost and just trying to find something to grasp onto to find an identity. And now I know exactly what I want for a future, I have direction, I understand my own religion better and I have a greater appreciation for life. I also learned what it means to truly be there for someone, and have someone there for me even in the most inopportune times. I thought that first time we talked I knew, and now I know I was so wrong then. You invade my dreams, and my workplace and my mind. And I cant help but fall for you a little more everyday. I spent that year and a half telling myself to get over you, and that I was over you, and that I would be over you for good. I was wrong. I currently cant imagine being over you, ever. I cant help but to think if there was not that one difference that things would be so different right now. You say the right person comes at the right time. I think i disagree. Love is so inopportune. Perhaps I do love you. Regardless, I am a better person for knowing you, and I will always be grateful for that.

ps too bad you dont read my blog.

Ineffable

I finally found a way to describe it all. Ineffable. There is no real way to put it in words. I am trying to, because I see how it tears you up when you dont, but there is not way to make you see how I feel or to make it go away. I cried through dinner last night. Not because the food sucked or anything, it was actually an enjoyable vietnamese meal. But because life is so hard, and everything here reminds me of that. Everytime I see your faces I am reminded a little bit of how we are broken. And now little things keep reminding me that you died Heather, its real, you are gone. And now Tim is gone and Christa is alone. I cant imagine being a widow. And its all real. And it hurts so freaking bad sometimes. I kept telling myself Heather was still here, but shes not. And I didnt want to believe cancer won and now someone else is feeling loss, so until I asked for work off for the funeral and read the obituary it didnt seem real. And until I realized that you were never coming back and I have to learn to rebuild my life and to try and mend myself it didnt seem real either.

So its ineffable. I cant explain to you why somedays I feel overwhelemed with sadness. Why sometimes its hard to see past the pain. It doesnt make sense. I cant understand why two beautiful people in their early twenties are gone. I dont understand how you can stop loving someone. I dont understand the bigger picture.

I have faith. I know things will get better, and some days they are beautiful. But being here is a constant reminder of the pain. Of the loss. Of the brokenness that has become a part of me. So I am sorry. I am sorry I cant be stronger for other people. I am sorry I sometimes dont call or remind you that I love you all. But I cant explain to you what is going on. I cant put words to the hollow feeling that haunts me sometimes. I cant express to you how I see the happiness and the progress I am making and the future I am building while at the same time feeling like their is little hope and that I will never heal.

The emotions I feel and the brain process and illogicality of it all is not something I can explain. I just need more time. I need to start letting myself heal. And being here feels like I am letting the wounds just be tugged at so they wont heal. I dont expect you to understand, because I dont. And I dont expect it to go away, because now I know it wont. But it wont define me forever. It just will a little bit today. So next time when you realize you are not okay, dont feel pressured to explain it, sometimes feelings and brokenness are just ineffable. And I accept that. And its okay. Everything will be okay.