Re-Realizations

"Actually, it is only when we rise above the trivial options and ask ourselves in the depths, 'What do I want tot be?' that we emerge from the bondage of a flitting and faceless mode of life." -Truman G. Madsen

The last few days have been long. And full of what I call re-realizations. It's when something happens and I have to stop and re-evalute, when things change and I realize reality once again. The sharp sting of reality is lessened as I come to terms with my role in it.

It began with the re-realization of my apathy. I ran into you at work this morning, and I was not stoked, in fact I felt nothing. A few short weeks ago you made my days, now you are just another face. And yesterday when we were lifting, well I was less than impressed even with your acknowledgement of my hair cut and being sick last week. It was just like, really? You had your change. And then Sunday. I didnt feel anything. I guess they call it the past for a reason. So I suppose as I recognized my apathy towards the three of you I stopped. Reality. For once there wasnt anyone. There was not the butterflies, the anticipation, the excitement. There was nothing. And perhaps thats what I need right now. I re-realized that I need to focus on some things in my life and you were all likely distractions at this point. See you around.

Then as I tried to choose courses reality set in again. I have a semester and a half left after this. Then I am done. Life changes. What happens in the next 7 months and how it turns out could have a very deep and real impact on my future. And that scares me. It really does. But it's time to grow and move on. Finish school. Graduate. Find a future for myself. So as overwhelmingly stressed as it has been, I am needing this reality. I have to find myself fast and what I want before I graduate because time is not waiting or even slowing down for me.

And possibly the biggest re-realizations came as I looked at my wrist. I had wrote CHANGE. All week I have been really focusing on becoming a better person. And it's so hard. I would not say I am a bad person. I just sometimes shy away from things I could do. I could do better. And I know it, and like everyone, I have shortcomings. And I re-realized that they will remain shortcomings as long as I do nothing about them. So its time to change.

Only I have the ability to choose who I am. Who do I want to be? Do I even know? What sets me apart from others? How am I changing society? As these questions torment my thoughts I feel drained but at least I can see that it is all for the best. I am trying to find myself and ensure that when I do I will be happy with who I see.

"We will become much more aware of and alive to the many possibilities for doing good that are present in life's daily situations. Even the moments that seem humdrum are full of possibilities. Nothing is routine." - Neil A. Maxwell